Complaining

Hi,

I just needed to get this out because it upset me a little. One of my friends is five days away from her EDD and just emailed me to say that I should consider myself lucky that I had my first daughter a month early and my second daughter 10 days early because the last week is hell and all she wants is the baby out. Now I totally understand what the last week is like because I was in a lot of pain with DD2 and felt so ill that I thought I was dying. Also, I with DD1 we think she was a little more prem than what my dates said and I wouldn't wish the stress of a prem bub on anyone. I would much rather endure the pain and the waiting game of the last week in order to have a full term bub. But I just felt that she was saying that I had it easy with my pregnancies when I didn't. I know she doesn't know any different but I just thought it was a bit uncalled for. Her whole pregnancy has just been a total whinge. As soon as it got a little uncomfortable, it was like her whole world was ending and pregnancy was a nightmare that shouldn't be wished on anyone. Now my first pregnancy was very easy and I loved every minute of it but my second wasn't comfortable at all but I never complained. The way I saw it was I'd chosen to grow my baby and thinking negative thoughts was not healthy for me or the baby. What are your opinions and how do you think I should deal with this situation. I've been really supportive but I do find it hard when she drags my experiences into it and makes it out that she's hard done by.....sorry but it's just happened and I'm a little upset! :-p

:hug: Hugs to you hon as pregnancy/birth chats between friends can be so good but so hard at times too. Now, without knowing either of you or the full details of the situation, I would say that you might be jumping to conclusions. I didn't think for a minute that from what you said that your friend was saying you had it easy by having your babies early. I've been in a lot of pain the majority of my pregnancy (and I too have whinged a lot - I think we're entitled to do that ;) ) and I honestly would be very grateful if our baby arrived slightly early. I could imagine myself saying something like that to one of my friends who had delivered early but I would never be saying it in a nasty way. I think emails and text messages are often taken out of context.

In saying all that, you know your friend (and I don't know either of you!) so if she's the kind of girl to belittle her friends then that is very unfair and uncalled for. Just remember what it is like at the end of the pregnancy though - you're often uncomfortable, tired, cranky and over it (not all women are but a lot feel this way) and she's probably not meaning to hurt your feelings at all, she just wants her baby out. I can understand that and I still have 8 weeks to go.

Chin up and I hope everything pans out ok between you two

Oh sweetheart! That happened to me too. It was my best friend and she said a few thoughtless/hurtful things comparing our pg and babies (mine was prem, very sick and spent ages in hospt and slow to develop). I shrugged it off for a while with thoughts about her not knowing any better and not understanding how it was for me.

BUT then it got to the point where I didnt want to talk with her as she would generally upset me and I would be the one feeling crap after our catch ups. So I froze the friendship. Might sound extreme but I needed to do it for me and to save my energy levels for my situation. I just sent her an email and said that I was struggling with raising my sick bub and that I needed some space for a while - that I would contact her when I was ready. That was four years ago...

Sounds like you have been putting up with insensitive comments for a while and biting your tongue. Maybe after her baby comes (not long now by the sounds) she will be too busy to contact you as much? Maybe you will get some space from her that way. OR maybe after her bubs comes and she is still making the comments you might have a reply ready along the lines of "yes but you wouldnt trade your comfort over the health of your baby would you?" or "yes but being in special care baby unit (wherever yours was) was no picnic for me or bubs - you wouldnt want that". Dont know if any of that will help you out.

But I do know its hurtful and brings up memories and comparisons that are hard work to deal with.

Hope you feel a bit more settled soon. Chocolate helped me!

It sound like she has a case of foot in mouth. Huggs. I doubt she meant it the way it sounded, she is probably being so hormonal and crabby atm that she didn't even consider how it would come across. I know that doesn't make the comments any less hurtful, but hopefully you can see that she didn't actually mean what she said???

You could try and raise the issue with her, if you feel you need too - although I would suggest (as a hormonal cranky woman who is sick of pg myself), that now may not be the right time for that, because she is likely not to be thinking very straight atm, and cann't consider anyone but herself.

I have found myself making all sorts of comments lately that when I have had people point them out and I have had a chance to think about what I actually said, I have realised that someone else may find that offensive - but I was just to wrapped up in myself at the time I made the comments to think abouthow others may take them.