Cyber Bullying

Just thought I'd put a few questions out there as lately this has been constantly on my mind as the last young girl to take her life was DS's friend.
How do you as parents of teenagers monitor your childs internet use?
What programs are out there that allow parents to check our childrens msn/myspace etc?
I would really love some feedback, as much as I'd like to think DS is a strong enough person not to let bullying affect him, at the end of the day I can't be 100% sure. Have any of you actually found evidence of cyber bullying and how did you go about handling it?

I think it is very important to instill in our children good morals and ethics and hope that if anything did happen they would be open with us as parents to enable us to help them.
I would just like to leave this open for anyone with ideas or questions so that we may be able to help each other.

Regards,
Dianne

This is a very real and very out there problem. We teach a bullying and social skills program at school now called Friendly schools & Families and there is a whole unit contained in it about cyber bullying, we were PD on it at the start of the year, and I really was quite astounded at the extent it goes too.

I will bring the book home in the week and put up some of the skills and strategies in there about what to do, and how to minimise your child's exposure to it etc

As for monitoring your childs internet use, you can download a program called KeyLogger, just do a GOogle search for it.......its available as a free download. It can then be installed and will log every keystroke done on your computer, and it can be hidden so your child doesnt know its on there. So you will be able to monitor what they are typing on MSN, or any website that they visit (please be aware that it will record ALL keystrokes like backspace and space, so it will take a bit of deciphering!). We have it installed on both our home comp and laptop to check what sites the kids are visiting, and what they are typing, so that we can monitor the comp's use
Also with this, you will be able to access passwords etc so that you can log into MSN or whatever else they have...a good way to monitor their use on these social networking sites.
Good luck :)

Ali, Friendly Schools sounds like a great programe, there definately needs to be more education in schools re Cyber Bullying.
Demon, I will definately look up KeyLogger, sounds exactly like what I'm looking for.
Thanks again ladies.

Regards,
Dianne

We keep out computers in a family room - so we are fairly aware of what they are doing at any time. Anything they can socialise on though - I have set up the account and they have a stock standard password. If they change it they lose their computer rights.

I plan on sitting down with Angie soon and having a very frank conversation about the inherant dangers lurking on the web because she is about to get a laptop for her birthday. She will still have access to MSN and Facebook, but she cant change the passwords or add people without my approval.

On the bright side, she does understand that all this is done with her best interests in mind and not because I am part of the third reich.

(Just subscribing with some info, from the perspective of a victim of cyber-bullying - have to hang out some washing so will BBL to write properly :D).

Looking forward to hearing from you Glamourcide.

Regards,
Dianne

Diane, that's awful for your ds - how is he holding up? Must have been a huge shock for the school community.

Like Inertia we have internet access in family areas only. Email accounts are not private in this house and the kids know I check them from time to time.

Even so, my 11 yo sent some questionable emails to a friend last month, just *****ing about another friend. I sat her down and talked to her about how that might be misconstrued - what if the friend who got the emails passed them around to others and the girl found out? What if it came out that the things dd was saying were a misunderstanding, and she was accused of spreading rumours? Did she understand that that kind of thing could lose her the internet at school and at home? When I reminded her about the documentary we watched recently about a young man who committed suicide following cyberbullying, she was horrified and upset to realise that what she was doing was on the same spectrum, albeit much less directly harmful.

She lost her internet privileges for a while and had to explain to me today exactly what the issues were before having them returned.

Because cyberbullying has been a problem at her school, the teachers have also talked to the kids and handed around pamphlets explaining how to stay safe, and also how to respect others on the net.

I think like with most things adolescent, starting the conversations early and keeping them going, and setting consistent boundaries are the key.

DS has actually been coping quite well. This was the 4th suicide this year at his school, pretty scary stuff.

Regards,
Dianne

Oh Dianne :hug:

That is my worst nightmare, cyber bullying. The girls have given you excellent advice. I also recommend you talking to your DS. Tell him, that you are his friend as well as his mother and that you can listen to any of his problems by taking off the "mum" hat.

My little boy is still young to be cyber bullied (he's 7), but given that he is prone to being bullied at school, cyber bullying is frightening.

I think talking is also important.

GL hun.

Here in Ballarat a couple of weeks ago i saw advertised in our local paper an out of school program aimed for teenagers on how to deal with Cyber Bullying ... Your DS's school would have no doubt had something like this offered but if not at least you know that kind of help is out there !!

I myself have experience cyber bullying by a group of sellers on an auction websites forum ... what scared me was it was a group of woman that are Mothers ... Other sellers PM me to warn me the site is having huge problms cause of them & they didnt know how to deal with that matter ... And that's in an adult world :rolleyes:

I only two weeks ago experience bullying at of all places a playgroup i take me 3year old to by another Mother ... the playgroup committee tried to resolve the problem & spoke with this Mother whom targeted me only to have this Mother the next week at playgroup turn up with her sister, hubby & friend (who are not normanly there) ... Thankfully i wasn't there that week but the parish's wife of the church hall that the playgroup is held in rang me to inform me of how they are shocked as she said it was obvious these Four Adults were there to cause me a negative impact in someway. Now the organises don't know how to deal with this ... PARENT BULLYING AT PLAYGROUP ... OMG, i just can't believe it :doh: ... Is this what our children have to face in their adulthood too :rolleyes: ... We as parents/adults have to try stamp out what we can to help them especially in these times before it gets worst.

Hugs to you Dianne & your DS :hug: xOx

Okay, back again with what little, probably unhelpful info I can share. Sorry it's taken me so long :)

I was cyber-bullied for months on end in the last two years of high school. 'Cyber-bullying', as it's now known, has been around for much, much longer than Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and kids having mobile phones. I copped most of it through MSN, which teenagers (and probably you guys) are still using.

I know what I have to say probably isn't terribly helpful, but in a way, kids are kind of gluttons for punishment. It is SO easy to get rid of bullies who are targeting you online - there are so many tools to block, delete, and prevent the bullies' taunts from reaching you.
BUT - and this was my biggest problem - teenagers (and I'm sure we all still feel this way to some degree, adults are just better-equipped to handle it) have this inherent *need* be 'in the loop', and to know first-hand who is saying what about them. So the chances are that if someone is saying horrible things to your child on the internet, your child is not only letting the messages keep arriving in their inbox, but they actually *welcome* the taunts (by not blocking the bully) because they just can't stand to think that someone is saying things behind their back - they want it all out in the open so they can read/hear it, and if not respond or defend themselves, then they are at least not being left out of the gossip and b****ing and know exactly what is being said about them. Being a teen, the worst thing you can imagine is not that someone hates you and is saying it out loud, it's the thought that you remain in the dark about it and everybody else knows, and is laughing behind your back about it.

As a parent, you can do some things to stop cyber-bullying, but in reality, not that much. Programs that allow parents to monitor their child's web travels are a good start, but those things don't stop the bullies' messages getting through - you just get to read it after the fact, kwim? I definitely agree with not letting your child have unsupervised internet access (ie, keep computers in family areas and have boundaries as to what they can and cannot do online), and I believe MSN (which is a major cyber-bullying tool because it's like a chatroom, rather than email or commenting someone's MySpace page) has a function that allows a user to log all conversations, so again, you can see what conversations your child has participated in, but again, it's all after the fact rather than a preventative measure.
These tools work only in that they can help build a case of sorts against a perpetrator - your child *has* been bullied, yes, nobody can take that back, but at least if you are intending on pursuing legal action or even taking printouts of emails, MSN convos etc to the school principal to prove what is going on, you can use them to your advantage.

As far as preventing or getting on top of cyber-bullying before it becomes so bad that a vulnerable child is at risk of taking drastic action, the best thing you can do as a parent is try and take off the 'mum' hat, or at least monitor your child's relationships offline as well as online. Cyber-bullying tends to be just the same as offline bullying, but the inhibitions of face-to-face interaction are removed, kwim? Back in the day, you knew people were saying things behind your back, but you only got whispers, because the bully was too much of a coward to say it to your face. Now, the bully can be safe in their bedroom and saying awful things to your 'online' face without fear of retribution - that's why it seems worse now than it did a decade or two ago.

I found a lot of bullying was from people who used to be friends - this is where I ask parents to be careful. Your son or daughter may never be bullied by anybody, until they break up with a boy/girlfriend or have a falling out with a friend over a boy/girl or another friend, and then the friend/ex/ex's friends/whoever turns nasty. The danger there is that these people, because they were once friends with their target, have a lot of access to the target - they used to text each other after school, now instead of 'goin 2 c movie dis wkend?' it's 'Ur a skank n we all h8 ur gutz'. They are on each others' friends lists on social networking sites, so status updates go from, 'can't w8 4 skewl hols, 1 wk 2 go!' to '*insert name* is a fkn loser, wish she waz dead'. In that instance, it's the equivalent of saying something behind your back - the bully is putting the message out there knowing that the target is going to read it and be hurt, but it's not telling them directly, kwim?
The worst part is that teenagers are pack animals - so if your child finds themselves being ostracised by one person, there is the risk that the rest of their peer group will also turn their back on your child because the other person is deemed higher on the food chain, or that they have more to gain by pledging their allegiance to the other person. And then instead of being bullied by one child, your child could well start copping it from all angles, even those they previously thought were trusted friends who could be relied on to protect them and help them feel safe.
That's when a child becomes a risk of suicide - one bully you can handle. Ten of them, and them being people you were so close to and trusted, is more than a fragile teenager can bear.

If you're worried about your child being a victim of cyber-bullying, PLEASE just reassure them that you don't have to wear the 'parent' hat all the time, and that they can come to you with ANY concern they have. Encourage them to discuss all the lame day-to-day banalities of teen interactions - find out who's dating who, who hangs out with who, who is friends with who and how your child fits into the bigger picture, as this will go some way towards helping you understand if your child does become a target of internet bullies. It's the face-to-face interactions that are important here - cyber-bullies are not faceless, nameless and anonymous strangers targeting your child. Cyber-bullies are usually the kids you previously welcomed into your home as friends of your child.
Educating your child on the power of their words, especially when written and sent via email/text/on social networking sites, can also help your kids to not become cyber-bullies themselves. A lot of teens just don't realise that gossiping amongst themselves on MSN etc can be construed as cyber-bullying, and most kids who taunt others online would not identify themselves as cyber-bullies - just a kid who perceives their target as having 'done something wrong' and 'getting their own back'.

i personally think the kids/teens being cyber bullied are already being bullied at school/on bus etc... its not a new thing at all, its just a bit easier to do these days.
I grew up with the pc with the net being in the lounge room/study/dads office.. i didnt get a pc with internet in my room till i got married and moved out! lol! :)
being savvy myself i know that teens could easily downgrade or turn off filters so i'd probably be sneaky and put a keylogger (type of spyware) on the pc just in case. Id absolutely deny the use of MSN or any other chat program/website.
i was bullied from 3rd grade, by year 12 alot matured and stopped being bullies.... now oddly i have them as facebook friends??!! looking back on it... the whole being a bully thing was a pack mentality. They all thought it was cool to look down on me and somehow it made them look good if they could poke fun at me. Very sad.

I was bullied during school, those stronger kids who think they are invincible and make the weaker kids feel awful. Don't think as we grow up bullying stops, we often find it in the workplace, even through groups of friends because one has said something that another person didnt like. I find it quiet sad we can't get over our differences and try to put our feelings to good use instead of crap bullying!