10 weeks & 2 days - happiness smashed
The story of my angel baby..
This is quite long, I don?t know how to tell this without starting from the beginning, My life has just been turned upside down & maybe sharing this, knowing someone might read this & maybe someone might say something to stop the turmoil in my head.
Looking at my calendar? counting days 1, 2 ,3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 9, 10, all the way to 34?.my heart racing? ?How many days in a cycle? I knew the answer but a question I had to ask, I?m up to 34?. A flutter of hope a smile not possibly hidden?. 1 week late?. 1 whole week late!
I cannot begin to describe the complete joy of seeing those 2 lines? I screamed I jumped around I have never felt happier?. It?s happening!
My besties could only giggle at me having to keep re-testing for 3 days?. They know me too well, something I wanted so much was happening, something amazing and magical.. I just had to keep confirming to myself, it?s real! I am pregnant with my first baby, I am going to be a Mom. We are starting a family.
The instant love I felt for my ?little? was overpowering?. Pure Magic!
My first visit to a GP, I was so nervous, I wanted to know absolutely everything, Going by my last period I should have been approximately 5 weeks, and we booked my dating scan for the 9th July? I would then be approx 8 weeks.
My scan showed only very early pregnancy.. only 6 weeks J?.. So an Internal Ultra sound was done relieving my worries, a strong heart beat, my ?little? was there, and beating? It real! It?s happening!
Weeks went by, my boobs began to get very sore?.. I read so many books, I followed all the ?rules?.. People would laugh at me for being so strict.. I just wanted to do what was ?right? to ensure my ?little? got the very best start. I am a very fit and healthy 26 year old?.
Around 3 weeks after my scan, still no morning sickness, and my boobs stopped hurting. I don?t ?feel? pregnant I want to ?feel? pregnant?. Everyone told me it was normal, everyone told me, your lucky, this pregnancy will be a breeze for you?
Tuesday 4th August I wake up and head for a shower?.. it felt like I had wet myself, I undress and my world begins to fall apart, blood down the insides of my thighs, I panicked I screamed Nooooo, Noooooooo?. This is not happening!
My mom took me straight to the ED, after many questions, have you got pain, how much blood, what colour was it?.. I had no pain, nothing at all, I panicked I didnt look at the colour, to me it seemed like a lot, what else just tell me everything is ok.
I was sent to the toilet to check the blood, I?ve stopped bleeding. The nurse assures me this is a good sign, you have no pain, and no more blood, it?s a good sign. A doctor arrives, questions, questions, questions, over and over the same ones, I don?t know!! Just send me for a scan, I need to know. They didn?t, they sent me home because I was not in any pain.
I went straight to my GP, who ordered me an Urgent scan. He was too quiet. ?Im sorry? those words stabbed straight through my heart. For once in my life I can honestly say I was truly happy, and it had all been ripped away from me with those two words. My baby had no blood flow or heart beat and had not grown past 8 weeks.
He returned to tell me my GP sends his apologies but cannot see me until the next morning. The sonographer tells me to go straight to ED if I lose too much blood throughout the night or feel dizzy or sick?. Cheers mate, got a measuring cup.
I had no idea what I was about to go through.
2am I start cramping, it increases in strength, duration and frequency to the point I cannot walk, I cannot stand, or sit I am screaming and crying in pain. I thought I was dying. I can honestly say I have never felt pain like that in my life. Around 7am my Best Friend who had stayed over hears me & finds me buckled on the kitchen floor, I think it?s time for the hospital I think something is seriously wrong, I try the toilet, so much blood, massive clots, the pain is unbearable.
Into the shower?.curled up on the floor, I need to go now I cannot take the pain anymore I don?t understand what is happening. It felt like I needed to poo, I try the toilet again and it all comes out, the sac with my poor angel, I need to throw up.
The pain lessons within about 15 minutes and I know thats it, I feel so empty. I was having labour contractions for 5 hours. No-one told me I was going to have to go through labour pains. Why wouldn?t anybody prepare me for that?
My GP sent me to a specialist, and he was fantastic, he explained so much to me, he was sympathetic and caring, finally someone making the realisation sink in but giving me information I needed. No scientific answers as to why my baby didn?t make it though, my partner will ask me why?. Lifes just cruel & unfair?
The internal scan showed I had a ?Complete Miscarriage? my cervix had closed and I had passed everything. He also confirmed what I went through was just like labour and the sonographer is not allowed to give you that information as they are not Qualified. I am so angry with this. Someone should have warned me or made sure a Doctor or Specialist spoke with me.
I am a mixture of emotions, my heart feels so heavy, my body very very empty. I wanted to be a mother with all of my heart, it has been taken away from me and I cannot stop wondering but why me? In my own complicated mind, my life has been a struggle emotionally & mentally, nothing seems to ?work?. When I knew I was pregnant, everything was better, nothing else in the world mattered except my ?little?, I felt complete. Now I am another statistic? I am the 1 in 4?. I told myself, you only ?think? these things happen to you, this pregnancy is magical and you will have a strong & healthy baby, You will. But It?s gone?
I have so many fears. What If my partner doesn?t want to try again? He has not spoken to me about our baby since I started bleeding; he hasnt held me, he hasn?t shared how he feels? If he feels anything? Maybe he blames me? Maybe I blame me?
I don?t know how to deal with this? I have lost my first baby? I want to scream, I just don?t understand why this happened.:wall:
