Advice...the 'real/donor' FIL

Ok, previous thread - http://forums.bellybelly.com.au/foru...-we-right.html


Since then -
DH has spoken to his brother & sister a few times since then. He's also spoken to his father a few times.

We've kind of explained it to the kids. I was so scared of telling them. I didn't ever want them to know.

DD1 knows that nan had a different boyfriend before pop & they had a baby, dad. Then nan had aunt & uncles & the old boyfriend had babies too. They are dad's brother & sister. Your aunt & uncle. She hasn't put it together enough to realise yet that FIL isn't really poppy (biologically) I'm happy with that.

DD2 just knows there's an aunt & uncle she doesn't know & they ring up sometimes & talk to her.

Then we get a phone call the other night. A drunken phone call...the donor (father).
Him - 'Skye, Is DH there?'
Me - 'aaaah'
Him - 'No, not aaah, is he there'
Me - 'who's this?'
Him - 'Its his father - D'

I put DH on. He gets off the phone...gives me a look that tells me I probably won't like what's about to be said, then tells me the father has decided he's coming to visit...yay. The other 2 kids don't talk to him much anymore coz he's an alco & lives with his alco girlfriend. Left their mother only a few months after we first met them, 8 years ago.

It might not be too bad. It might be ok, but I know that he's going to want the kids to call him pop. I refuse to let that happen. He's hoing to want DH to call him dad. I don't want the kids to hear that.

Next time they talk, I'm just going to have to be the biatch & set the rules I guess. How do you tell someone you don't want his son calling him dad & that you don't want his grandchildren calling him pop??

I can't even type poppy coz it sound so wrong!

Oh you poor things, maybe he won't come cause he was drunk when he called? I would be firm and say that everyone will call him by his name not dad or Pop. This is very much like a thread Leash has started, she is having the same hassles.

Maybe, but I'm pretty sure he will at some stage. Then he can do the whole 'I tried to find you' spiel again, trying to convice us that its all MIL's fault. (Who lived in the same house for 10 years & he actually visited her in that house - once, so he knew where they were :rolleyes: she's only moved once since!)

DH's sister knows that the kids don't know & understands. Maybe if she & the girlfriend come too I'll survive?

Maybe you could just get your DH to meet with him for a while at first and try to find out exactly how long he'll stick around or whether he actually wants to be a real part of your lives and not just some token effort to make himself feel important because it is going to be really hard to get the kids to understand the dynamics and then have to deal with him just disappearing again, which is probably a dead certainty from the sound of it.

Just tell him you're not comfortable adopting names like dad and poppy yet - his first name will do for now. It takes time for bonds to grow.

I have a wonderful stepmum and I refer to her as my stepmum but I *still* call her by her first name..."mum" just doesn't feel right. This is 25 years in and i love her to bits and it doesn't change the way I feel about her at all. Just do what seems right to YOU, there aren't any 'rules' that apply in situations like this. :hug:

Thanks. I'll discuss it with DH. Hopefully next time he calls he'll be sober. Not something I want to be telling him drunk.