3 Parents?

Hi, I'm new here and I have a few questions. First off my wife and I are planing on trying to have a baby within the next year and we already have a donor picked out. He's my wife's cousin (I'll be having the baby so nothing creepy lol) and he's a really awesome gay guy and a great friend. We've talked about how involved he would want to be with the child and all three of us have mostly agreed that it's ok for him to really play the dad part.

My concern is how this would affect the child and my wife. I want him to be there as much as he wants but I'm worried that it might feel more like him and I are the parents and my wife is more like an aunt. I was wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled it. Any advice you could give would be awesome.

Thanks!!

Sorry i have no experience in this sort of situation, sounds like a tough one! I just wanted to say hi & welcome to BB :lol: good luck!! xo

Hi and welcome to BellyBelly! I don't have personal experience with a situation like yours will be, but I'm sure someone else will have some helpful advice for you :)

hi and welcome to bb. We opted for an unknown donor for that very reason. The child we are having is both mine and my partners. I think that it will be a very awkward situation for all persons involved. Personally i feel as though our child may have some confusion growing up with 2 mums so why make it more confusing. Just my opinion though. Hope i dont offend you. If you put yourself in your wifes position of course when bubs comes and all 4 of you are at the park playing she will feel like the odd one out. Anyone would. Is your relationship strong enough to handle this if it occurs? It will be tough and if its the decision you go with goodluck and i wish you, your wife and your wifes cousin the very best. At the end of the day all a child needs is love and support. Goodluck with everything and once again i hope i havnt offended you xx

Maybe my view has more to do with the fact that I lived in New York City for 18 years before moving to AUS and you all sorts of family arrangements there. I think your child will be incredibly lucky - to have 3 parents all who love them and who only want the very best for them and who will be there as parents...

a few things I would want to make sure are understood at the outset...oh, I have to add that I'm straight and married, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...but I wanted to at least tell you that I think it's wonderful for a child to have this...

- that in terms of all decisions that parents make - it's you & your wife who make those decisions...cousin can weigh-in, as maybe would any close friend, but you & your wife are the parents...also, that the cousin can't be used as a "tie breaker" in case you and your wife disagree - i guess this goes to what it means to "play the dad part" - as the baby will have 2 mummies and a daddy.

- legal issues - I would definitely get legal advice...what happens if you and your wife split up...and even if she moves in with her cousin for help - what would each of your want your rights be in terms of visitation? what would your responsibilities be? How would the Aussie courts recognize each of you in terms of parenting rights and responsibilities? who, in the worse case scenario, would dr's listen to in terms of administering medical assistance to the baby? As perfect as your situation seems now, things change and working these things through now may really help everyone clarify their expectations...and maybe show that this arrangement isn't right....or that it really is right for all of you.

- the child will be living full time with you and your wife, right? then I think the child will see you and your wife as the primary parents...and I think if you and her cousin are sensitive to the fact that your wife needs to be treated as such, things should be OK...

Hi Allyson,

We chose an unknown donor, like Bee, for that reason. I was the booby mum, and Shel was very concerned about being the third wheel WRT parenting, if there was already the mum-dad. I think only because we faced huge hurdles in the family, and if there was the possiblilty for them to stick their heads on the sand and pretend we were happy 'normal' families they would have, and happily pushed Shel to the outer. So unknown worked for us. We are the parents and thats how we wanted to parent.

I think it can absolutely work though, but everyone has to be on the same page. Hopefully some 3+ parent families can come in and give some advice :)

My friend and her partner opted to go with a known donor to have their daughter. My friend was the birthing mother and her partners brother was the donor. Their little girl is now one and they are happy with the donor playing as much of a role as he wants to. They all live in the same town and he is married with 3 children to his wife. He regularly see's his 'donor daughter' (term my friend uses) at family events etc and is happy to let her mums make all decisions regarding care etc as he see's them as her parents and himself as more the uncle.

Mind you I have to point out this is very much a situation based on great trust and a very close supportive family. It is not one carved in stone and will obviously change as the little girl gets older. I can only suggest that if you go with a known donor have clear ideas and understandings set out before you go ahead with it.

Good luck I hope you are able to work out a parenting situation that works for all of you.

I have seen this work well, and fail. In the case it worked well, the donor already had a family of his own, and was happy to be supportive and loving towards his donor son, without too much influence.

In the case where it all went to hell, so to speak, the donor was a lovely and caring gay male, with no children of his own. He came to see the donor son as 'his son' and became desperately attached, despite initially thinking that this would never be an issue. It was very sad for all involved, ending in the courts. He now has shared custody and it's a pretty hostile and toxic environment whenever all three 'parents' are together...

buliej made some really good points. At least, I would be seeking some legal advice...

There are some parenting decisions that people can feel REALLY strongly about, and it's amazing how much tempers and passions can suddenly flare up...

Hi Allyson,

If you're still on this site I'm interested to hear how you dealt with your issue - as i see your post is from mid '09.

In relation to the 'third wheel' issue - You will both be mums equally. Babies bond with those that nurture them. Mum's bond with those they nurture. By the time baby is even old enough to be thinking about her biological make up, you will have been a family with two equal mums for so long that genetics is only one factor in how your child will relate to you.

Think of all those mums that adopt - Baby doesn't judge the mum that parents them, that loves them and that has been there for them all their lives.

Regarding the role of the donor dad - I'm going down the same path. My partner & I want Baby to have a Dad. We want dad to be our friend first & foremost. Research shows that in gay families the best scenario is when all parents want eachother to be happy. We want dad to feel happy with his role and dad wants us to feel supported but not interfered with. Resolution of issues is made easier when all involved want the best for eachother - and for Baby. The well being of Baby must be the point at which all discussions stem from.

I'd love to hear how others managed this situation.

Caz

Personally I haven't been in your situation. But I do believe that families are just what you make of them, they're meant to be about loving people, surrounding and caring for the child, biology and stereotypical family structure isn't all it's cracked up to be ;)

Do what works for you! Your child will know s/he is loved and supported by those in their life, and that's what count the most!

Good luck on your journey :D