I am such an *****!!

What is wrong with me??

XH has been so freakin lovely to me and tells me that he is so miserable that our marriage is over and woe is him he is the hard done by one. Then I feel bad and be nice back to him and start questioning my decisions. Did I really do the right thing? I do still love him, so maybe I shouldnt have left him?

Well there was so much chemistry between us and we ended up kissing then one thing led to another. After the act though, he was back to himself and annoying me a lot. So yesterday we had a discussion and he claims that he didnt know our marriage was over, but that he got told by others second hand when he thought things were fine WTF??? I dont understand this! I explained that I gave him an ultimatum and he didnt ever give me an answer, so i just moved on. So i ended up telling him that we could get back together but he would have to let me have my way half the time and i want more kids eventually:wall:

Well, he wanted some action today again and was all over me like a rash. Of course I was flattered by the attention anjd ended up doing the wild thing with him. Does he only want me for sex? Is he not going to make an effort ever, he just wants sex? Or am i being super hard on him??

He really seems to think he hasz been so hard done by in all of this, like he still doesnt properly understand my problem with him......

AAAARRRGGGGHHH, I am so embarrassed by being weak and going back to him that I wasnt even going to tell you all:redface:

Maybe I am wanting things to be fine cause my life will be so much easier with him and Arch will have his parents together....

And I think to myself, even if i do get back with him I might be so hard on him constantly that we would be miserable anyway...:doh:

Oh Elissa ... wish i had magical words for you to hear ... but with what i have read about your relationship in the past & now with EX ... um, oh dear hope i don't sound hard here BUT Ex doesn't seem to have made you anymore happier from back then until now and he doesn't seemed to have really truely improved in very important areas of concern in your relationship with him. He JUST doesn't seemed to be listening or more to the point honestly trying like any man would 'if' he really deep down wanted to be with you ... he would be trying much, much harder. He is of mature enough age to have an idea of what he wants in his life so if that was the case he would be making improvement with you rather then NOT.

Elissa ... you kinda know me and i'm far from being negative so that's not my outcome of this post (as again you would know ;)) ... So, gorgeous Elissa " IS " it time to let go with a man that hasn't made much of an improvement since your seperation. I worry if you will go through this again & again with him in the future. You don't sound like someone asking for anything out of the ordinary, that would easily explain your tiring of the whole ordeal as that's what it sounds like it has been.

If it's a little bit of happiness with him that's not enough ... and as far as love goes .. you know what i'm gonna say ... yep, harsh but true from my own experiences ... Love it NOT always enough. It feels like you can't find love feeling this way again but Elissa you will be mind blown that it can happen again. Might take some time but there is always a majority rules that there is a lovely man that can make you feel comfortable within life and i don't mean about money but every morning you get up you don't have to think about the if's & what's BUT just live life and feel as content as you can be for the time.

OMG, i could go on & on ... i think that catch up is gotta happen with you & i and we can have a good yarn about blokes ... (and a few laughs too) ;) ... I reckon a nice Summers night in Melb having a pizza on Lygon St would be a great idea later in the year :think: (See how all pans out with us both with dosh situation as the year will no doubt go quickly).

Hope i haven't sounded harsh or negative ... but just speaking out loud with what looks to me as an outsider ... BUT then i don't claim to know a lot ... i guess just enough at my age, LOL ;)

Take super care Elissa ...and cuddles to Archie too from me :hug:

P.S - Don't forget you have youth on your side, that's the biggest bonus you have in wanting another child as it gives you lots of time to see it happen :D ... AND as for jumping in the sack with the Ex ... cough, cough i've had my fair share of that, it's nothing to worry about i mean it's not like you both haven't had sex with each other before ... hello Archie ;) ... AND it's not like you signed on the dotted line of some new commitment. It was a bit of FUN ... yeh, that's ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The situation your in now is the exact reason why I told my exhusband there would be absolutely nothing beyond the occasion kiss happening between us while we try to figure out if we are going to fix this or not. He hates it. But I just think we have better things to focus energy on and the sex isnt one of the broken parts of our marriage. Habit is hard to break though and we have libido's too (although mine is AWOL most days after chasing two toddler and a baby 24/7) so your not an idiot; just human!

TBH it sounds like he has figured since your having sex with him everything is sweet. Sounds like it isnt though.

My ex hasnt really made too much effort either and I always get the impression he thinks I'll just get over it eventually and we'll be fine again. Um not a snowballs chance in heck unless he shapes up. I deserve the best and I will have it, with or without him.

You have to really decide if your getting back with him because you miss him, want to be with him and because he's fixed what was wrong in the first place - or whether its because of Archie; your lonely; its habit...............not very good reasons to do it because in the end the old problems crop back up and your back at square one again.

GL!

i agree with miss tree hun , it may seem easier for now to get back with him but wat ever you do dont go back to him just for arch u need to be happy n not be stuck in bad relationship for u and arch , there was a reason y you broke up and untill those issues are resolved and he understands that then i wouldnt give him the time off day ( in my opinion) Goodluck hun, and remember do the right thing for yourself you know wat it is, you just need to trust that voice inside xx

lorelle - wow!! I rally hold you in such high regard and no wonder, you care so much about others. I do not think your message was harsh in any way, I think I actually need harsh messages, thats probably why I posted in here to tell you the truth. It is good to here from someone who has had more life experience too. I wish we could meet up regularly for chats and pizza. Thankyou for sharing your wisdom with confused little old me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mistree - thankyou, I think I have a huge case of 'dumpers remorse', makes a lot of sense. I did go back and read through my posts, but I am just so confused in all of this! Thanks x

anna - gosh it sounds like you have been in my head and know me inside and out!! Great advice for me. emma - thanks hun, you're right I need to listen to that voice inside, and that voice has ben screaming at me to get away from him!

It is good to know that I am not the only one who has been this confused and ended up sleeping with the X and confusing things even more. He actually just said to me that men only want women cause men crave sex and companionship.....well Im craving a heck of a lot more than that in my life! Also he reminded me that he isnt into kids at all ever.

Well then, girls, thanks again for reminding me I have done the right thing xx

Lorelle has said it beautifully :)

I just wanted to add...now that you have had sex with him he is definitely going to think that everything is perfectly ok. It will once again come as a shock to him that it is not. It's a man thing!

I understand where you are coming from. I've done it myself & always regret it afterwards as it just causes further issues. Make sure you are being very careful about it if it happens again or you could have a lifelong reminder of your brief reconciliation.

I think maybe skin fever played a part too, plus spring is coming...
But the others are right; aside from proving that he still wants you physically it doesn't sound like he's shown any kind of insight into who you are, what you need, or what needs to chang in order for you to be happy in this relationship.
Don't forget, he never actually thought he'd done anything wrong, he was just waiting for you to 'get over it'.
I really think the only time scratching the itch works is when you're both on the same page, otherwise it confuses things and can turn them grubby (I only mean they have for me in the past)
As someone else said, if sex isn't the problem maybe you should focus on what is for the moment.
I remember you saying that the thing he missed most from your relationship is bonking you? Not exactly incentive for making it work, if you ask me. But I do know what it is to miss that intimacy too.
Hope I'm making sense, not sure that I am. I just would hate to see you settle for less than someone who can cherish you just because he knows which buttons to push.
I'll join you for that pizza, too! Lol

marlene - thanks for the warning, why does it always come down to sex??? GGRRRRR

satya - thankyou for the advice, I am hopeful that it wont be happening again

lara - yay, more pizza buddies :) your advice is sound. I had some very weak moments this week, but I am feeling strong again thanks to you all

My Uncle said last night that the reason he and his wofe havent ever split up is cause they are friends that dont want to hurt each other, plus she cant deal with the kids on her own. I dont want to settle like they have, I want all or nothing

Hey Elissa,

First, massive hugs to you darling :hug:

"Change is a process, not an event." - I used to have this as my user title (but swapped it for my current one liner which I'm sure is much more profound and useful :lol: actually and funnily enough, probably an appropriate thing to say to your XH!). Change is something I have always struggled with in all sorts of aspects of my life, hey don't we all. I like to be reminded that you can't just "change", there you go everything is different now. Change has to happen gradually, with stages in between, and sometimes you might feel like you're going nowhere, or worse, going backwards but actually it's all part of the process of change.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Of course, be honest and look for clarity but also know that what you're going through is really tough stuff. And your XH seems like he's being a complete and utter ****head about everything which is helping to confuse the situation even more.

And FWIW, when an extremely important relationship in my life broke down I had sex with my X a couple of times over a month or so. We just couldn't help ourselves. There were so many things that we loved about each other and would miss terribly. But in the end, for us, the bad stuff did outweigh the good stuff, we both accepted this and then were able to move on with our lives. Of course I felt awful about it at the time, but I can see now, for us, it was part of the process of saying goodbye. Please allow yourself to grieve for the good and wonderful things about your marriage. Even though it may appear to be a step in the wrong direction right now, don't beat yourself up for taking it, learn from it where you want to go with your life from here.

More hugs :hug:

Rachel - that is all such wonderful advice! I love how you explained hange to me, that really helps me to understand what I am going through

btw, today I straight out said to XH "do you love me?" He answered "Im trying to" WTF!!! How dare he! needless to say I have not spoken to him since

Lol@I'm trying to. Sorry to be laughing at that, Widdy. To me, it seems like you two do love each other and just going through difficult stage.

Elissa ... any news update ?? ... i'm heading to Qld on the 9th, Ads might be taking his work laptop so if he does i will pop on BB if i get the chance while away and see how you are ok lovely lady ;)

lorelle thanks hun xxx no real news here.

It is my 5th wedding anniversary today, yay for me :( But good on the person i am married to, who at this moment is partying hard with my family while i stay at home cause I am to poor. I am watching The Breakup on telly, gosh, its like watching my own life only they dont have a child LOL