sudden extreme separation anxiety - 2 1/2 year old

hello

from the age of six months my dd has been going to my mum and dads to be looked after, while i worked, when i needed a break, and many times overnight.... as a toddler i would drop her off and she would not even acknowledge me walking out the door saying goodbye, she could care less, she would even ask to stay at gran and grandads and sometimes not be happy about coming home...

a few weeks ago, which co-incides from when we (me, DP, DD) got back from a family holiday, she developed what i can only call extreme separation anxiety from me and cries and cries if i have to go anywhere on my own... she doesn't seem to like being left with her daddy either, and usually she would love to go to my mum and dads, she cries and asks to see her mummy pretty much the whole time (besides when she does start to have some fun ie if they go to the park etc).

i am also expecting baby number 2 (am half way) to throw a spanner in the works and she is aware there is a baby coming and is excited.

i really don't know how to deal with this sudden onslaught of separation anxiety, particularly as my mum and dad's house is her second home, literally. Its almost like something has happened that has 'turned her', although we cannot think of a thing, unless the holiday was a bit unsettling, or baby number 2 is unsettling her. She has also become quite sensitive and goes very quiet and gets upset if she thinks people (ie us, her family) are laughing at her.

She is as bright as a button and can articulare herself extremely well, when i ask her why she doesn't want to stay at gran's house she just repeats she wants to stay with mummy. When I do have to go out without her, she brings it up for days/weeks later saying 'i wanted to come with you to the doctors/concert/whatever, i needed to come with you'.

Has anyone else had something similar happen with their previously happy toddler. Looking for any stories, advice, tips - anything, as I am at a loss as to how to approach this and am unsure if i am making things worse.

(sorry for length of post it all just came blurting out)

Yes, I have just been through this over the last 6 or so months with my DD (it started when she was 2.5yrs and it was completely out of the blue). My sister described her as being in "a state of terror" if she couldn't see me, even if for only a few seconds.. She also stopped going to stay at my in-laws who she used to want to go all the time..

She is so much better now, she even stayed with my in-laws for 5 hrs the other day!! and she has stopped her "extreme" reactions and will now let me go outside or into another room.

Everything I read recommended reassurance & patience so that is what I did.. I taught her to say "maybe another time" to my in-laws everytime they asked if she would go with them, I would always talk to her in the house while I would gradually step into another room, if she would freak out I would just go to her and hold her and tell her that I was right here but just in the other room, give her a cuddle then kind've brush it off and say "would you like to help me over here" as I would walk away.. eventually she started to respond "no".

I would also bring up the topic while she was happy and just reassure her that Mummy will always be waiting at home for her etc.. Interestingly, I announced one day that one of her (countless) dolls was the mummy to one of her favourite dolls and then let her play and she actually said something along the lines of "I want to stay with you, don't leave me" I then jumped in and took the "mummy doll" and said "Of course you can stay with me, but if you would like to have a little play at the park or at grandma's house, I will always be waiting for you" I then seperated the dolls for a second and then reunited them with a big hug..

I don't know what worked but I think that listening to her fears and not forcing her into a situation that made her uncomfortable (hmmm, many a birthday party with her sitting on my lap) finally built up her confidence again..

Hope this rambling helps in someway - it is really tough to not lose it (especially with the lack of personal space). Not to mention all the comments friends and family made!!

I was going to ask if you were preg because the same thing happened with my DD1 around the time I started showing. It was just a phase but I can't remember how long it lasted.
She was going to my ILs weekly for well over a year but then suddenly didn't want to go, crying. She only ever wanted me to do everything, even simple things like taking her plate after a meal she would cry if Df did it, always was mummy do it, wanted mummy. I wondered if altho they know a baby is coming still might be some uncertainty to them.

Yep, us too. Again, very bright well spoken chickie who had never a care going off to daycare, has started screaming in the last 6ish months.
Iberru has given some great advice.
I've never been one to force situations either and fund that she will get her confidence back at her own pace.
Throughout the day I always tell her where I'm going (to the loo/clotheslines/letterbox etc) and ask if she's right or does she want to come. Also I never leave when she isn't looking and I always tell her when I will be back.
:hug: mate. It does pass.

yes yes yes, she also says 'mummy do it, mummy do it' if her dad tries to do anything, which i am actually trying to break the habit of, i just reply that daddy can do it and everyone is allowed to help, not just mummy....

we are booked to be going on a weekend away this weekend, and i was going to pull out, and my mum thought i should too, but then mum had a change of heart and said if i was going to work (i only recently just finished up) then dd would have to cope with me going to work, so i should still go on the weekend away as it will be our last chance most likely before the baby is born later in the year.... i am really torn as i don't want to make her even more insecure, however if this phase is going to last quite a long time, then there are going to be lots of times when i am going to have to bite the bullet and leave her (ie when im in hospital, appointments, etc etc)...

thanks for your advice it helps knowing others have gone thru it too!

I'm going through the same thing with my little guy. He is 21 months and he cannot stand to be away from mummy. I work Saturdays and he is OK with staying with daddy all day though he would much prefer we were both home, and if he hurts himself or gets tired he cries for mummy to come home. I tried to put him into day care so I could work a 3 week temporary position but at the end of the three weeks he was still hysterical every time I dropped him off at daycare. He did have fun at there but he would cry for me often. Now if I scold him for anything he cries and begs me not to send him to daycare again.

His personality has changed too. He used to flirt with everyone he met but he has recently become very shy with strangers, especially men. I don't mind that part as he was a bit too friendly before but now he too has become very sensitive and gets very upset if he thinks people are laughing at him. He was being really cute in Canadian Tire yesterday and came running down the aisle to me laughing and wearing a hockey goalie mask. An older couple started laughing at how cute he was and he instantly dropped the mask and started sobbing.

He's also got some crazy mommy radar. No matter where I am in the house, or how quiet I am, as soon as he wakes up in the morning he makes a bee line for me. Usually he wakes before me and comes and crawls into bed with me. Yesterday though I woke up first and came down to the basement. I heard him crawl out of bed and DH said he walked right by the bedroom without even looking in there for me and came straight down to see me. I don't know ho he even knew I was there, I wasn't making any noise at all.