So devastated, haven't slept for five nights :(

I'm so sorry for posting an all about me, but I'm so devastated and I need to let it out somewhere.

I am meant to be 8 weeks pregnant today but I miscarried over the weekend and I'm really, really not coping.

I burst into tears when I found out I was pregnant four weeks ago. I didn't know how I felt as it was so unexpected. Before long though my little person in there became everything I lived for and I was so desperate for my 9 months to zoom past so I could be a mum.

Somehow I just knew something wasn't right. From the start I had a horrible feeling I was going to miscarry but tried to convince myself I was just being paranoid about nothing. Then the bleeding started. At first it was just light brown spotting. The obstetrician said it was most likely nothing to worry about but booked me in for a scan, just to be sure. On Friday afternoon, DH and I were sat in the obstetricians office waiting for said scan and I started bleeding heavily. I knew that was it then, and I miscarried over the weekend. Excuse the graphic nature of this next statement, but when I passed a walnut sized lump of something when I went to the toilet on Saturday afternoon, the worst, worst, worst thing I could have done (and did) was to look down to see what it was. I've had nightmares ever since.

Today I had to go for a scan to make sure everything had come away and it was horrible. The sonographer (or whatever they're called) made a point of showing me a picture of (and I quote) "my very empty uterus" four times. I was so upset - he knew I was in there because I'd miscarried, its obvious to look at me that i've done a lot of crying, and it was just so insensitive. Then as I was leaving he gave me a huge cheery smile and said oh well! Better luck next time eh? There was a chair next to me and I had a good mind to throw it at his head, but I just walked away, shut the door and burst into tears.

I have cried more than I thought possible. I didn't even know this level of emotional pain from something you only knew about for four weeks was possible or sane. But the tears keep going. I'm trying to hard to pull myself through this, but I'm really struggling. DH can't take any time off work and I stay at home all day as I haven't been able to find a job. I'm on bed rest, and staying at home alone all day with nothing but my morbid thoughts for company is doing me no favours.

I just don't know what to do. ? want to start TTC again right away, but DH wants to hold off until I've got a job, which I know is sensible but I feel is like some horrible insurmountable task that will never reach fruition. I'm suddenly desperate to be a mum, my maternal instinct has kicked in with full force, and then some.

The biggest part I'm struggling with is that DH has a son from a previous relationship. His ex is horrible. I mean, I know a lot of people probably say that about their partner's ex, but she really truly is. We've had huge issues with access and she freely admits she has different children to different men to "maximise her income" and that she wants none of those men to have anything to do with their children. I've got so much anger and hatred towards her right now - its probably a good thing that she is in England to be honest because it means I have no contact with her. It just doesn't seem fair - people like her, who are openly screwing up their children (DS is a mess and the only three year old I know that shows serious medically diagnosed signs of stress, but apparently we still don't have a leg to stand on in terms of custody, which is rubbish)... people like her get to keep their babies even though they do the wrong thing and are horrible, horrible people. Why can't DH and I, who want nothing more than a loving and close family unit, keep ours?

I feel defective and like this is my fault. Like I should have done something different and then maybe this wouldn't have happened. I'm trying to do positive things to bring myself out of this - I applied for uni today to start teaching next year, and I also applied for some jobs.

But I can't sleep. On Friday when it all started I was too upset to sleep. Since then, every time I drift off I instantly have the most terrifying nightmares about seeing what came out of me when I miscarried, and I can't sleep after that. This is the fifth night that I haven't slept. Its 1.15am and I have been to bed and ended up getting up again because I was keeping DH awake with my fidgeting. I am like a zombie and I look like someone has taken a baseball bat to me because of the dark circles from the crying (which has mostly stopped now thank god) and the lack of sleep. I can't sleep during the day either, which doesn't help. I'm sure if I could actually get some rest I'd start feeling a bit more positive about things.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long but I really needed to let it all out. DH has been brilliant, but I think only women who have been through it can truly understand.

Night all... I guess i'll go and find a movie to put on. xx

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Husbands are great and supportive and all but they just don't seem to understand the same way other women who have been through it do.

My M/C was 2 months ago and I still get teary over it, and DH says I'm getting too emotional. All I can say is that it does get a bit easier with time. I too passed the amniotic sac and was horrified. We put it in a little box and buried it under a tree in our backyard and I get a lump in my throat every time I pass that tree.

The thing that gets me through it is the knowledge that I will get pregnant again one day soon, and I'm lucky that I was only 6 weeks when I m/c and not further along as that would have been even harder. Hang in there. You need time to grieve and you will start to feel better one day and then you will get pregnant again and you will be a mom.

My DH wanted to wait 3 months before TTC again but when he realized how much I NEEDED to start right away he agreed to wait for one normal cycle and then try again. TTC is hard to go through too but at least I feel like I'm getting closer to what I want.

Take care of yourself and enjoy all the things that you won't be able to indulge in when you are pregnant again.

Thanks TwinSister. Its nice to hear from someone who actually gets it.

DH absolutely won't budge on TTC. Instead he thinks I need to see a psychologist which has really made me mad. He doesn't understand that its what I need. I am a little worried of the effect of that on our relationship because right now if th?re's not a chance it will make me pregnant again then I don't want to know. The other day I almost told him to either start trying again once I'm all good or get out. Harsh I know, and I managed to keep it in, but it doesn't seem right to feel that way.

*sigh* Prob doesn't help things that I'm only day 6 of NO sleep. I was up until 3.30 this morning just trying to make myself tired watching TV, reading etc. Crawled into bed at 3.30 when DH finally came looking for me and stared at the ceiling until it was almost light. Drifted off for maybe an hour, had horrible nighmares about dead babies and then DH woke me up when he got up to go to work.

I just can't cope with this lack of sleep. I'm meant to be finishing my uni application off today but I'm so afraid of making a mistake because of being so tired.

Oh well.

I posted in the other section before I saw this....I'm sooo sorry that it's so rough for you, It will get better - and you have already taken positive steps to get your life back on track again. As for the sleep thing, try to take an evening out for a 'pamper yourself' time....a lovely bubble bath, a fave meal (sod the calories or any guilty feelings!) just treat YOU. Hopefully, if you can get relaxed enough you might be able to sleep a bit better. I can't suggest much else - as I was only one day ahead of you I'm still feeling my way around too. :pray: that things improve soon....L xxx

I posted in the other section before I saw this....I'm sooo sorry that it's so rough for you, It will get better - and you have already taken positive steps to get your life back on track again. As for the sleep thing, try to take an evening out for a 'pamper yourself' time....a lovely bubble bath, a fave meal (sod the calories or any guilty feelings!) just treat YOU. Hopefully, if you can get relaxed enough you might be able to sleep a bit better. I can't suggest much else - as I was only one day ahead of you I'm still feeling my way around too. :pray: that things improve soon....L xxx

Have been thinking a lot and :pray: for you too, Loubee xx

:hug: hun, maybe its worth getting in contact with a councellor to have a chat, you need sleep/rest for both your body and your mind. hope your heart heals soon :comfort:

Yeah, Maybe AJP.

Though I'm pleased to report that this afternoon I FINALLY drifted off and had almost a whole hour of sleep. Its not much but it helped.

Although now i'm back to square one because DH and I just had a big fight about TTC again and now he won't speak to me because he says I'm being stupid and unreasonable. Its okay. After that I don't want to speak to him either.

*sigh*

Hi Yarrawin.
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your baby. It's a very difficult experience. I had a lot of trouble sleeping too, but after a while I ended up so exhausted that I just slept through it all.
I have had to wait for TTC, because we lost our baby due to molar pregnancy. At first, the six month wait made the loss seem much more devastating, but now I'm already halfway through that, and I can see so many benefits. You may remember an overwhelming feeling when you found out you were pregnant of all the things you had to do, arrange, figure out. I feellike I've surmounted that - I've got an extra 6 months of knowing what to expect. Emotionally, having this time with DH has been like having a second honeymoon. We are so sure now that having a baby is what we want, and we're working towards that. It's also given me a lot of time to reconcile what's happened, and to properly farewell the baby that we lost. I've hd a lot of time to reflect ont he whole experience and recognise an inner strength I never knew about. Physically, it's an extra 6 months of folate and other supplements, and bulding my core muscles (as well as working the pelvic floor!) and getting myself into great shape, ready to carry that baby when it is time. Financially, well, it's been a gift, as it's an extra 9 months of me working that we hadn't counted on.

So, although it wasn't my choice, I'm a big fan of the wait.

I hope you're getting through, and getting lots of support. It's OK to feel sad, for as long as you feel like you need to. I cried yesterday - a lot - and it's been more than 12 weeks since my loss. So don't feel like there's any time limits. It will never ever ever stop hurting, but the pain will get easier to live with.

:hug:

Oh Yarawin, I'm so sorry for what you've been through til now.
Sometimes you don't realise what you want until you get a glimpse of it; it was like that for me too.
Your dh doesn't get it, maybe in part because this ache obviously wasn't there before you fell pg, and maybe also because it's not logical or practical (to him) for you to feel this intensely so soon.
He may also be a little shell-shocked.
I would take some time out from the ttc talk for the moment (you can't ttc straight away anyway), maybe go and see your doctor (you've been through something SO traumatic, you may need help to heal), and in a week or so when you're feeling more yourself and more on track bring it up again so that he knows you were serious and it wasn't just the hormones and emotions talking and that this is real for you. Everything has changed for you, you need to give him time to catch up.
Stay strong, you will get through this, and we're here for you
Hugs

I am so so sorry to be reading about your loss. I lost my baby almost 7 weeks ago, and I still find to hard some days to get through it without crying, but it's a lot easier now then it was back then....It feels like the emptiness will never go away, and it may not for a while, but start filling yourself up with love, love for yourself and with your partner... and the love for your baby! My thoughts are with you!!

Thanks for your kind email :) It is almost four weeks for me now. It is still hard some days, but I started feeling a LOT better once I went to the doctor and was given some sleeping pills. I only took them for a week and I've stopped now but it made an enormous difference as in the end after almost two weeks of no sleep I became highly irrational (not like me at all). I still don't sleep well but I practice a strict bed time relaxation routine and I have started taking Natures Own sleep supplements which do seem to help.

DH and I have decided not to try for a little while - maybe in the new year - but right now we need to sort ourselves out financially. I'm sure my lack of employment has amplified this as I've had nothing at all to take my mind off things, but hopefully something will come soon.

I still cry some days, and sometimes most unexpectedly (like the other day I was laughing hysterically for no real reason other than I couldn't help it but then I suddenly started crying), but I also seem to have found some inner strength I didn't know I have and I feel like something very profound is happening (for the better) in my life at the moment).

Thank you everyone for your kind words :) I find it very hard to come to Belly Belly at the moment, so I will be signing off until we're ttc again. Best of luck to everyone, whether you're TTC, pregnant or raising your beautiful babies!

x

Hi yarrawin. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm glad that you finally got a bit of shuteye.

I lost my baby at 8w 4d in april, and reading your story was like reading my own. I was devastated and horrified at the m/c process, and even angry at my body for letting it happen. Unlike you, I had to have a d/c to remove everything, and I didn't sleep for a long time. All I can say is that it get easier, and waiting has been the best thing DF and I could have done. I home you're feeling better, and that you can find some peace.

Xx