Worried about DH, how did we get here?

Ok so we have had some ups and downs since our #1 was born. I had PND and struggled with the transition to SAHM, issues feeding, flat head probs and continuous sleep (or lack of sleep) problems. DH was really sick for a period of 6 months and virtually bedridden in between going to work and back. He also has a stressful job. We had a really rough time - he didn't do any of the baby stuff or housework. I really resented this as I was exhausted - returned to work which helped with the social aspect for me. He got better after a torrid time.
So we were in a good place - had DD2 and have struggled since then. He has been here but not really helping out too much. I was ok with that as I was back home FT and he had to be ok to work. We have had serious issues with sleep again - thanks to #1, and issues re help etc. I had thought we were getting things together - communicating better and finally getting a few more hours sleep. I am due at work Wed so a new routine for all.
DH has been really short and withdrawn, I fronted him on it and he says he feels like he has let me down and not done enough to help over the last 3.5years as I am always unhappy and tired. He feels like an observer. Whilst I feel that part of this is true I have felt like we have made massive changes in the last few weeks that have really addressed some of these issues.
He is a great Dad and a good husband - I love him dearly but can't seem to reassure him of this. It has been hard but that is ok, surely we can look forward to the future rather than dwell on the past. I am not perfect and am a firm believer that we all generally do the best we can. I am considering booking him a GP appt - I really think he is getting depressed. Argggh....not sure what to do???
Thanks for reading if you got through all of that.

from the sounds of it he sounds depressed. You BOTH sound like you need to give the kids to family and friends and go catch a movie and do lunch or have some fish and chips on the beach. sounds like you need quality time or date nights :hug:

Hang in there hun. I think seeing a GP is a great idea and if he does have depression medication can help him get back on track. Hope everything works out for you both.

Regards,
Dianne

:hug:

DH and I have had a few chats like that recently, and I think it is really hard for some men to feel like they aren't contributing - especially if they're used to being in control at work.

Is there a practical way DH can feel like he is making a difference? Can he take the girls on a designated day or time to give you a little break? Or can he pick up some house duties?

For me, it seems part of the issue issue is I don't let him contribute as much as he could, or ask for help from other people. I feel like I should be able to do it all.

Go easy on yourself and maybe turn to any support people that may be around. It sounds like you both need a break and some time together to nut this one out.

GL.

Thanks so much for replying with such great advice - definitely think it is time for us to spend some time with each other. I am also pretty bad at asking for help and it is time for some! I am sure it will be ok - but time for some changes. Thanks again.

Hey Mak, I can totally understand where you are coming from. My DH has post traumatic stress disorder and i am being treated for PND which is a fantastic mix lol. we are looking at going to a camp or councilor or something like that so there is the third person there to look and assess the relationship issues. talking to our gp has helped alot too.are you close to brissie at all?

I kind of know how you feel Mak. DP and I have had a bit of a rollercoaster over the last three years and if it wasn't for my age, I would have preferred to have stuff well and truly sorted out before having another baby.

As the others have said, what does make a REAL difference to us is spending time together. And asking for help. I used to be really atrocious at this. I didn't even ask him to take more leave when I was wheeling myself around the house on an office chair unable to walk with a newborn when each feed would take 1.5 hours and even just holding her hurt like crazy. I just got on with it because I thought that's what you did. It just didn't occur to me that's what partners are there for.

Now, the penny has finally dropped that asking for help is not whinging and DP is not a mind reader. Now I ask for help at the absolute drop of a hat and our relationship is much, much better for it.

Thanks for the caring words fionas and Rinnie. I posted this in October last year after feeling very isolated and quite desperate. I am pleased to report that things are much better than before. As you (and the pp's) have higlighted actually spending some quality time together has been the key to making everyone happier. We really had lost our way together and I think that as outwardly everything looked perfect then we didn;t get any offers of time out etc. We have had a few nights out and this has helped but it is very easy to slip back into old habits. I am also getting much better at saying I need you to this and that rather than just ask for generic help - not specific enough for my DH to know what to do. So this has been a very timely reminder to get on with it all. xxx

Oh that's great Mak. It's so easy to drop the ball on spending time together - we went out for the first time in four months the other night :redface:

I did the test in Love Languages (just google it) after it being recommended on BB and I'm someone who feels loved when given one-on-one attention by DP whereas he expresses love in other ways such as helping out - cups of tea, making dinner etc. We had a chat about this the other day and I explained that I need that one-on-one time - we don't necessarily have to go out; it could be when DD is in bed.

So glad that things are going better. Sometimes I think that I should write a list of all the things that help when stuff gets dodgy to remind myself.