little ellie

Hi all
Just needed to get this out and hope it can help me start making sense of this situation. Ill start from the start ...
I fell pregnant when i was 19 years old and gave birth to a little boy kai james on 21.06.05. on his exact due date weighing a healthy 7.2lbs.
My second little boy is taj william and was born at 33 weeks weighing in at 4.5lbs. After 3.5 weeks in special care he came home and is now a healthy bubbly little 2 year old terror. I had been over seas to Bali 2 weeks before his birth so i felt that the travel could have contributed to his early labor. I had PPROM which caused the birth with no warning making me think that maybe i had picked up a bug or infection from the food/water etc.
I was currently pregnant with our 3rd and final child up until friday 23rd oct 09. I was found at 27 weeks to be 3-4cm dilated and was put on strick bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. On fri morn i woke and as i got out of bed felt some liquid down my leg. It turned out to be blood and i went to the hospital straight away. On arrival i was assesed and was found to be 6 cm and with a bulging sac. I didnt even feel any pain just what i thought were BH over the past few weeks !
Every precaution was taken to stay ontop of keeping this pregnacy going. At 10 pm on fri night my waters broke ! ahhhh i was head down legs up in bed trying to hold onto my waters haha and swoosh down it came. Not too enjoyable ... With 2 contractions later and 3 pushes ( ellie was breech however due to being so tiny was very easy to labor naturally) ellie was born.:clap:
She was a beautiful peite little thing weighing in at 2.4lbs. She had a full head of dark hair and was just so precious.
I only had time for one round of steriod injections and unfortunatly she was unable to survive more than 2 hours. She had 2 horrible lungs. They said that at 28 weeks she had an excellent chance of survival if she had even 1 good lung.
She passed away in her mummys arms holding her daddys finger.
The hospital was excellent. We got to bath her, dress her and have a lay down and cuddles. i have many many photos and her hand and foot prints and we also cut some locks of hair for keep safes.
The hardest part was when we left the hospital and had nothing. Our little princess was there by herself.

The thing i am really struggling with is the fact that i have 2 beautiful boys at home that i have to keep going for but i just cannot get her out of my head for even 2 secs.
My milk has just started coming in and it has been only 48 hours and it sucks. Its like a knock back to reality because i have no use for it !
I was only 28 weeks so i was not that big. I wasnt in the first place however my stomach has already dissapeared. I am already back down to 47 kgs and i look like i wasnt even pregnant. I dont even have my jelly belly to hold on to !
My concern is also i cannot speak to anyone right now. I dont want to take my son to kinder in the morn even because that means i have to talk. The mothers new i was pregnant and now i turn up with nothing ! And i cannot break down in front of my sons but i fear i will if any question is raised.

So now i cannot do it anymore. I am klucky to have 2 beautiful boys but no one can take ellies place and i wont be trying any more. I am guessing i have an IC due to 2 premature births. I will prob be talking about that to my doc on my follow up visit but going from 1 full term, 1 at 33 weeks and 1 at 28 weeks its not looking good to me to take the chance again.

Thank you for listening and i know it has only been 48hours and im sure it will become even harder once the shock wears off i think but i really needed to get that out xxxxx

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little Ellie :hug:. Remember she will always be with you and hold those precious memories of her close to your heart. There is nothing worse than leaving a hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. Just take day by day and when you are ready and a little stronger to face people you will be able to go back into the world. It is so hard to be strong for your children when all you want to do is cry all day long but it will get easier as you get stronger. In the first few months when I'd think of Emmanuel all I could do was cry, I couldn't even talk about him without crying, it hurt too much. Now when I take out his memorial box and look at his precious memories I think of him with joy and how much he touched our lives in such a short time. My prayers are with you and your family.

Regards,
Dianne

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Ellie.
No mother should have to leave hospital without their baby, my heart is truly heavy for the pain you must be feeling.
Please take care of yourself.
xxx

Oh hun, my heart absolutely aches for you. Take comfort in the arms of those around you, it will be a awfully sad time for you and it won't go away quickly, there's also the hormone withdrawals that will hit and things will look 100 times worse. Make sure you do what you need to help you within yourself get through. Remember, it's not day by day, it is moment by moment.

Big cuddles and best wishes to you and yours

Oh bindw I am so very sorry for your loss.
Your story brought tears to my eyes.

Big cuddles you brave & courageous Mama. :comfort: Welcome to Belly Belly - I am glad you found us. I am sure you will find so much loving support here - I know I have. :hug:

I am deeply sorry for the loss of Ellie - it is unthinkably intolerable to go come home with empty arms. I understand trying to steer clear of other people at school etc. There is a little boy in the town I live that was born when my baby girl should have been born. Each time I see him I think of my daughter and what she would have been doing. It is hideously impossible to face others sometimes. Going to school was something I didn't do for a long time. I just couldn't stand the sadness of others, or how the world still seemed the same - when for me it was forever altered.

So, know what you are feeling is so normal. Rest, eat well and fall into the arms of those that love you and support you. Right now that is all you can do.

It does sound like you could have an IC - there are many success stories for women who have had a suture if you do decide to contemplate another pregnancy in the future. :hug:

Right now you are supported here, you are amongst many who have dealt with similar losses.

Fly safely Ellie - dance in the stars with all the other angels... :hug:

Oh my heart just simply broke when i read your story ... i'm just so, so sorry !!

All i can do is send you some warm hugs from me :hug: .... and say that you have found this wonderful website to possibly help you with the comfort & support of women here whom care & are willing to help you :comfort:

... AND may your sweet precious very much loved Ellie be in a very beautiful & peaceful place now xOx

She sounds absolutely adorable hon....what a special little girl, that touched all your familys hearts......

Do what you can...no one expects any more from you at this time...take as long as you need....

So sorry you had to go through what you did.....i really am....

i am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I dont have anything to say that will help you, im still learning how to cope, but i do know you have to look after you, if you dont want to go to school, dont, i know i didnt want to go either. And people will say some pretty stupid things, you have to ignore them. It is very hard to leave the hospital not pregnant, but no baby, and it is extreemly hard to get up in the morning and be there for your older children. there is no normal in this situation, just do what you feel like doing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I'm so sorry for the loss of precious Ellie :hug:

hi all thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice ! much appreciated. i am actually surprised to find this forum as 95% of them are on pregnancy.

i think its wonderful that everyone can share their own special stories and be in the surroundings of someone who has been in that situation. Your family means everything to you and are there unconditionally for you, however, are all going through this in their own ways ... but will not completly understand on the mothers side.

I hope this will not only help myself in this journey ahead but others and one day in the future, i can help others who will be going through the same thing (unfortunatly) but be on the brighter side of life again.

You are all wonderful take care xx

I cannot imagine the pain of not bringing your precious baby home safe and well. I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter, she will forever be in your heart.