Keeping fertility help a secret?

Hi
I'm a first time poster
TCC for a year and a half, saw a FS, she gave us 2 months to do it ourselves, them she wants to try IUI. My mans count is low but not that low, I seem to be working okay.
My husband and I are willing to try anything we have to, BUT...
He doesn't want anyone to know what we are doing, and I truly mean no-one. No work friends no family, not even my best friend.
He says it is because if it doesn't work, he doesn't want people feeling 'sorry for us'.
I agreed at the time, but now that it looks like we need help, I think this is unfair on me. I'm not saying DH isn't supportive, -he's wonderful, it's just it's not the same as confiding to your Mum or best girlfriend, or someone who has been through it like some of my work friends.
I guess that is why I've joined, to spill and to see what others think, has anyone had the same thing with their partner.

Hi Lisa, I haven't been in your position but I think comes down to what you guys each need. Your DH needs anonymity - he doesn't want to discuss it or talk about it and wants to be able to hide from it with his friends and family. Totally understandable. You sound more like me - need to share and talk it out and deal with it that way. It's a tough situation. Hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise..........I share lots of things with my girlfriends and just don't tell DH. I don't tell him I tell them and I don't tell him I don't tell them if you know what I mean. :) Hugs for you.

My husband didn't want to tell anyone either but I did. Told my family and alot of friends and my co-workers. Turns out its the worst thing that I could have done as now everyone keeps putting their noses in and asking me what am I doing wrong and to try this and that etc which now makes me so emotional and cry. I think because I had two easy pregnancies I expected the third to come along without any hiccups. Now its harder then ever as we have been diagnosed with some problems and I only have one tube now from an ectopic pregnancy. In hind sight I think I would have not told anyone and said our family was complete to avoid all the questions and advise on how to get pregnant and what I should try next.
Thats in hind sight though and there is no way I could have kept it to myself but I do wonder if I would be coping better emotionally if no one kept asking me why I am not pregnant already.
Welcome to BB anyway. You will get lots of support here from people who have similar situations to yourself. I hope you get your BFP soon.

Hi Lisa. I know what you mean about the difference between men and women. We've changed tactics slightly. When we first started having fertility issues, we told no one at all. Eventually I snapped and told a very old friend to whom I write regularly who doesn't really know any other friends and therefore quite certain that our 'secret' would be safe.

With my first IUI, I got pregnant and told some people, then had a miscarriage and told them too. So, our 'trying' became rather out in the open. Now three people and my Mum know that we are having assisted conception and when my tests are and so on but I don't discuss the source of the problem with them, I just tell them it's unexplained.

There are strong arguments for telling people (such a burden off your mind to discuss it, esp if you want to more than him) and against (more people hassling you every time you have a test or a deadline). The one thing I know for certain is that BB helps a great deal - whether it's asking silly questions that you dont' really want to ring up your FS about or finding the answers to "is it normal" questions. So whatever you decide, stick around here and at least you know you are not on your own.

Good luck :goodluck:

Hi guys, thanks for replying, it has made me feel a bit better to know others are or have kept it secret. It was keeping it secret from my family that I was really feeling guilty about, but from what people say it seems to be pretty normal to keep these things from your parents. Thanks for all your support.

hi lisa,
we were different again. We told friends and family that we would need IVF mainly cos i had a large tumor removed from my ovary just after our wedding and it all sort of came out in the wash in terms of our diagnosis. We didn't discuss it much with anyone after that tho.

We didn't tell anyone, not one person, while actually doing IVF. we were asked many times over the years about when we'd breed but always said "oh it's expensive, we are still saving up for it (ivf)'' which was partly true (wanted to get some decent savings away pre bub).

We did 6 months of IVF before getting our BFP in march and no one knew. We will do the same again when we go back for number 2 (if we are blessed to be able to have another) as it was truly the best thing not telling anyone.

It took a lot of pressure off and we avoided awkward questions. Plus most people have no idea about fertility treatments and resort to fairly ignorant statements, even if they think they are being helpful. It also helped keep our lives 'normal' and didn't become the whole and sole focus - all anyone asked us about. so was good for our sanity.

as regards to DH's reaction. He too had poorly performing sperm and I don't feel comfortable telling people this. I'm sure he doesn't care but I don't want people thinking he's "less of a man'' or crap like that. So if asked why we needed IVF i just say, "oh we both have a few issues" and that's it, keep it vague. that or "we are completely useless at baby making that's why". lol.

maybe you guys can reach a compromise or he'll agree to let you tell 'one' friend or such.

good luck, hope that helps.

I didn't want to tell anyone, whereas DH wanted to tell his whole family!
We came to a compromise and we told our Mums and a couple of close friends. After we told them, it felt like a huge weight lifted and one friend in particular was a fantastic during the 2 years we were doing IVF and I was so glad I had her to talk to.
I think it really is hard to keep it to yourself, and it can definitely help to have that little bit of extra support. I did make it clear to both of our Mums that it was secret and not to ask a million questions all the time, we would volunteer information or news on our terms. It's a sensitive topic, and not nice to be regularly asked how your fertility treatment is going, especially if you're having a rough time.

Hi
I can see pros and cons both ways. The fact is, though, with all the appointments, testing and treatments, as well as the physical and emotional toll that it takes, it's pretty much impossible to keep it a secret for long. Maybe if you only need a couple of cycles, but otherwise you're going to have to tell work and probably family & friends *something*.

That said, I would only give general information and details only where absolutely necessary - ie, telling work when you need time off. When everybody knows you're cycling it's extra pressure and your loved ones can't help but ask about test results and the like.

I think it's good to have someone, one person who is close to you, that you can confide in. That you can talk freely about this stuff with and who can comfort you when things don't go well and who can celebrate with you when they do. Sometimes partners aren't quite the right person for that, because of what they are dealing with themselves with the treatment.

I do think blokes can be extra sensitive about their manliness when it comes to fertility. Pity it's us girls who have to do the hard stuff and put up with the presumption of infertility - it always seems like people assume there's something wrong with the woman.

All the best~~

Hi Lisa,
When we started IVF, we told no one for a few reasons, firstly because initally it was due to poor sperm that we needed IVF and DH did not want people to know why we needed IVF, and then becuase there were other things going on that made us feel that it was not the right thing to do. After a little while I needed support, and told a close friend who was sworn not to tell anyone. After 6 months of treatment we told our siblings - and then DH's parents as we needed them to look after our dog when we went to Melb for treatment. It took DH a while to get his head around the whole IVF journey and to accept that we needed a few close friends to know...in fact I dont think he was really comfortable about people knowing, and certainly not of openally talking about it, until we had our DS. Of the people we told, I was a bit disapointed with the support we got - I guess I expected more but maybe expected too much. We did not tell my Mum that our DS was IVF till I was 6mths pg, and did not tell Dad till our DH was 10wks old! Friends found out at various times along the way...

For me, the support that I wanted was for people to ask how we were not how our treatment was going - for me they were two different things, but many people only asked about the treatment or ignored the fact we were doing IVF and pretended everything was ok with us - when clearly it was not. If we do try a second time, I think we would again not tell people unless we had to eg if we needed someone to look after DS. I might tell a few close friends so that I could ring in tears if I needed to, but it is hard for people to truly understand what you are going through, or that is what I have found. Personaly, the IVF councellors were a great support, and one that DH did not mind me talking too.

Good luck
FG

I sometimes wish we had told no one. It is hard though living in a small town and having to drive over an hour for treatments. The first IVF treatment we did I was honest with my work because of the time I had to have off because of scans etc. I also couldn'tn do my needles (I was freaking out about just having to do IVF let alone that) so I had to ask my sister and in turn my family found out. The other 2 cycles we have done work and my family has known because once work found out I didn't want my family finding out through someone else. If it doesn't work this time around I won't be telling anyone when we go for treatment again. My Mother is constantly annoying me at present with what I find annoying random questions and I am continously getting the when do you find out questions :rolleyes: I would say if you can keep it to yourself then do so. I find my strenght though forums. I have told my best friend and will continue to do so because I know I can trust her and she always knows when to ask questions and when not to.

I am sorry you have to go through all this - it is not fun but there is light at the end of the tunnel (I am not there though just yet!)

Lisa, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Everyone has given you really good advice. Some people who know about us have been great and I'm glad we told them, unfortunately most have been a dissapointment. Most people don't know how to deal with infertility, it's one of those things you can't really understand unless you live it. This journey is so difficult emotionally and even you yourself may not know exactly what you need to hear or need someone to do for you on any particular day.

Go with your gut, if you feel the need to tell a particular person, and it feels right at the time, share it. Let your husband know that you might need to talk to someone other than him (and you will at some point - even if it's just us on here). You don't have to tell him exactly who you told or the details. You might even find that your husband tells someone before you do - my husband didn't want to tell anyone at first either but he soon told a few people he selected.

Just remember that sometimes people, for their own reasons, are not capable of saying the right things all the time, or being what you need at the time.

We have told people I regret telling now. What I have done with those people is the last time they asked about our treatment I said "please no offence but we don't want to discuss this part of our lives anymore, I appreciate you care but we don't feel comfortable talking about it". Their answer to us was "that's ok, but you can talk to us if you need to" - now it's not mentioned anymore between us and I feel better about that. We stopped sharing with these people as they were zero support after our miscarriage, we still love them but they dissapointed us and they are just not capable of being the support we need.

So even if you do tell someone and they turn out to be the wrong person you can take some control - be honest and tell them what they are saying doesn't help, or it's a private matter now - you'll tell them your good news when it happens.

Best of luck.