My heart is still broken.

Many of you would know I suffered a m/c @ 8 weeks for my first pregnancy. It was an early loss as they term it and I was very lucky to fall preg again with Bella the cycle after my loss. I was exstatic with being preg with Bella and I think I just locked the loss away and tried to focus on my preg.

It has always been in the back of my head and in my heart but I never allowed myself to really deal with it. I "delt" with it at the time and I greived a bit but then I fell preg again and I just pushed it to the side.

I was watching Neighbours tonight and they had a memorial for Libbys baby (I know its TV, I know) and it just hit me like a head balloon...

I feel that my heart has broken all over again.. I think I need to do something to honor my little on and maybe deal with the emotion that I have not..

I love Bella with all my heart and soul and I am ever so greatfull for her... so how do I honour my angel bub and not dishonour my earthside bub??

Sorry Im a bit of a mess and Im unsure as to why it has all come to the surface now.

Maybe also as DH and I have been speaking about TTC again and I am so scared that Ill suffer another loss..

Sorry for the ramble.. Now I need tissues..

Kate xox

Oh Kate. I'm sure many can sympathise. I lost my baby at 19 weeks in 2007 and I was just bathing my son when I heard Neighbours in the background. To be honest, I had to turn it off. Whilst I cope much better with the grief now, it still comes back in heartbreaking strength sometimes. Something will trigger a memory and I feel like it all happened yesterday. My DH and I also want to add to our family but I don't feel ready yet, and somedays, I'm not sure I ever will??? I'm petrified of suffering another loss. It's taken such a toll on us. But, in saying that, had we not tried again, we wouldn't have had our DS who has brought more to our lives than we could ever have imagined. Allow yourself to grieve and know that it's normal to have bigger waves of grief at certain times or when certain memories are triggered. Big hugs to you and I hope you find your way through this difficult time.

it's never easy to know what to do to honor the memory of an angel baby - especially one that you have lost early and those around you seem to discount very soon after the loss. i have had a tattoo done on my back for two of our angels, i wear a bracelet 24/7 for the third - we have a design in mind for a tat for the other two. they are simple, but permanent markers for me in their honor - and when people ask, i'm not afraid to say why. we also have roses in the garden for each of our angels - no one would know that they are special in a garden with over 200 plants - but WE do...

it doesn't matter how early you have lost your angel - you have still felt that connection from the moment you suspect you are pregnant, and a love for that bubba that grows every single day - the pain of the loss is still there

only you will know how to honor your angel baby - but don't feel like you should just move on - if you don't allow yourself to process that grief properly, it will be with you and impact you more as time goes on. you'll never be able to forget, but you may be able to find peace. for me, those angels gave us the answers to have our precious girl...

hugs
BG

Powelly - I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for your words and sharing your storey, I can truely understand where you are coming from.

BG - You hit the nail on the head - ppl dismiss my loss due to it being early. To me we lost a baby - no matter how early it was. I am getting a tattoo for Bella on my foot soon and I was thinking of adding a shooting star at the top - to symbolise Bellas sibling that will forever be looking over her. The more I think about it the more I love that idea.

I dont feel like I can even say anything to DH - he has moved on in his own way and I think it is a shut book for him. Its hard for him because I was going through loosing bub and he was helpless and kind of detached. I can talk about my feelings and he wil listen and comfort me but cant really understand.

Kate

I think honouring your little bub is a great beginning to some healing. It's hard to move forward when you have unfinished buisness.

What ever you choose I will be sending all my love

xx

Thanks so much Tan xox