This is my release......

sorry this is so long i need to get this all out before it eats me alive.( the writing in brackets are snipets of what happend in the past with xp )

I hate him...
when will i stop feeling
when will i stop caring
why do i let it all hurt me... soo much?:(

When will he realise
why cant he make it up
when will he grow up?

(Since the day he told me in the car that day..we were on our way to my first ultrasound, i was 6weeks we'd just found out i was pregnant with dd...
He left me.. left me to go in to the ultrasound to see dd all by myself because he just couldnt do the whole thing with me he was scared ...he left us)

i keep having these flashbacks of what he did to me..to us..how do i forgive him

how can i trust him with her...she doesnt know him
he doesnt know anything.. anything about her..he pretends to, even though he cant even be responsible enough to turn up on time or at al once a week. how do i let go?(i know he loves her, but sometimes you have to put that love into action.)

( I Remember being 4-5 months pregnant trying to study for my hsc, getting abusive phonecalls from him and his dad begging me pleading for me to have an aabortion to sign legal pappers if i was to have dd, so xp wouldnt have any responsibility to dd.)

I cant do it all...ill wipe the tears from her eyes when shes sick, ill be there always i do everything all on my own.. thats more than fine with me because i love her, more than life itself.. she is my everything. But i cant handle the pain the emotion and the anger that eat me up, that wash away the good and kind person i know i use to be when i see his face, when i hear his name, when i remember what happened..

:confused:
this is verry big ramble sorry its so long i needed to get it all out.

:hug: :hug:

:hug: What an arse!

I'm sorry :comfort: I hope getting a tiny bit out helped

:hug: to you honey remember youre strong and if you ever need to talk Im here darl

Hun

Im so sorry your ex is such a pig

let it all out hun

hugs

xxx

Hi Emma

You know what you legally dont have to let him see her (if you have not any court agreements).... If your arse of an ex if he wants to see his biological daughter he may need to apply in the Family Courts to do just that.! Now im talking from my own experience here my love so im not talking out my own bum ok ... if you dont feel safe leaving her in his care then DONT!

Can you believe i went through a similiar nasty situation but my stupid arse of an ex only wanted alone time with my son when a) i got married (back in march) and b) when ds was 9 yrs .... he couldnt or wouldnt have him when he was 8 mths his mother had him for me so a) i had a break and b) could go to work.....

I did end up going to court as he applied to get access to see his son without having his mum hanging around ... I did that and his mum did that as ex **** was always drunk stoned or just plain angry !!!

By the way i left him and told him to get out when Tom was 8 mths old ... best thing i have ever done ... looking back i shouldnt have told i was pregnant at all! Hindsight is great but knowing a few legal things is best !

Good luck darling girl .... remember dont do anything you dont have the right gut feeling about. Oh the court trip did nothing for my ex and everything for me YET again!

Cheers Bubno.3

Hun, other than to offer you cyber hugs I can only say that you have the best part of him, being your gorgeous DD - who is sooo lucky to have a mummy looking out for her like you are!

I just want to wrap you up and cuddle you right now darling.

You know what? You're a Woman - you are a Mother & from what I can see on here you are a devoted Mama to Grace. You are doing such an amazing job. :hug:

I understand flash backs & bad memories - they suck they really do... :hug:

The pain is real - don't try to run from it. Let it wash over you - when you are almost drowning you will swim for air and be free again. How that happens is different for us all. :hug:

He is her Dad - he is just a little boy - & I have empathy for his confusion and fear.

Try not to run stories of projection in your mind. Try to live in this moment. In this moment Grace is here, you are here and her face shines with love! Right now she has all she needs because she has you. You are the most important thing right now.

One day he might grow up (don't hold your breath unless you enjoy having blue lips!). If not that is her journey with him. You have to reconcile this enough to be peaceful about the fact you cannot change him. You cannot help him have a good relationship with Grace. You cannot. It's not possible. Thats his journey & for some reason she chose him as her Dad. That has brought this lesson for her. Your lesson might be to let go of the need for it to be perfect.

Life has taught me that there can be perfection in the imperfect - if we just let go enough to love the imperfections.

I am not making light of this pain - I truly understand it.
My FOTY pointed at my belly when I was pregnant and told me "I wish it was dead like the others"... I have never had words cut me like that. But I am here! I am whole and I have lived through it... :hug: You will too.

BUT the longer you hold onto the pain and the disappointment the more life you lose. The more pain you suffer...

Don't give him that power darling heart. You loved him and you and he created the perfection that is Grace. Bless him for that and let him go... You are gorgeous, you are kind, you are gentle. You are so young with so much of your life ahead. Make the most of that life honey. Show your Daughter what Women can do when they are compassionate and kind, strong and wise.

Big cuddles again. :hug:

:hug: :hug: what he did to you is just so terrible, to let you go through of all that by yourself and then have the nerve to call you up and beg you to have an abortion, that is just digusting!! he does not deserve to be in your daughters life, he hasnt shown that he has that right.

You are such an amazing caring person and i do not doubt for a minute that you couldnt manage on your own, you need to do what is best for your daughter and only a mother knows what that is.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through that :hug: and dont EVER blame yourself!!!!!!

Big squishy cuddly hugs Emma :hug:

This made me cry, not out of pity, because you are clearly a great mum and caring person... but out of anger that he hurt you and left you and did those horrible things and that it is making you feel so angry! BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!! xxx

Emma, big comfort hugs :comfort: :comfort: for all that you've been through. No wonder you're feeling angry. I just wanted to say that I've often admired the quote you have under your ticker: "When a person in our life can walk away from us let them walk.. Our destiny is never tied to anybody that leaves." It sounds so strong and true. I hope things get easier for you. You are a wonderful mum!