My friend's baby was stillborn - what can I do?

I was hoping to never post in this forum, but unfortunately things don't always go the way we want them to. I just heard today that one of my close friends gave birth to a stillborn baby three days ago. I saw her often during the early stages of her pregnancy and there was even talk of me being her birthing partner when the baby came (fortunately for her, she worked things out with her DP, so I never went to any classes with her or anything, but I was still very happy and excited for her).

Recently we kind of lost contact because I went back to fulltime work and because for reasons unknown to me, her DS went into foster care, so he and my DD didn't play together anymore. Furthermore, my sister gave birth a month ago. My friend knew that my sister was pregnant and although she had only met her once was quite excited at the prospect of someone close (even by proxy through me) having a child of a similiar age to hers. I haven't seen my friend for a while now. She doens't even know about my sister's baby. So what should I do? When I see her, she will no doubt ask about my sister. Should I talk about it? Should I bring DD with me (my friend loves her), or will that only reminder her of her absent DS, as well as her lost baby? What can I do to support her and not upset her any more than she must already be feeling?

Ohh hun im so sorry for your Friends loss xox
How heartbreaking for her and her family.

i havent got any great advise as ive never been through something like this before, but just being their for her will mean alot to her im sure, sometimes times like this people worry so much (as they do) and get so scared of upsetting the person in some way that they miss actually being there for the person because of that fear, i know its easily said than done but try and focus on being their for her and asking and offering as much support as possible.:hug:

You sound like sucha great friend hun, your friend is verry lucky to have you beautiful xx

:hug: I think that is one of the worst things that can ever happen to a mum :hug:

Your friend and her DP would be going through so much right now.

I think it is still very important to aknowledge the baby. Ask what she called the baby, bring a little gift for the baby. I know a very special lady in our BB group gave birth to her beautiful daughter who very sadly passed away and we bought her a beautiful rose plant in memory of her.

I wouldnt take your sisters baby in yet. I am sure your friend is feeling very raw and seeing a newborn when she should be holding her own would be quite hurtful.

You sound liek a loving friend :hug:

Sadly we dealt with this in September :( Here is the thread that I did with lots of lovely suggestions on things you can do for her - https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...-her-baby.html

:hug:

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies and thank you Sarah for the link to the other thread. I'm sorry to hear that you went through this too, as have other people on BB. :( I will look into some of the ideas suggested, as they all sound really nice and appropriate.

I suppose what I am after is more practical day to day advice, e.g. for when I see my firend for the first time. As I mentioned in my original post, I haven't seen her for several months. I was going to visit her last week, but she wasn't there. I was going to bring her some baby gifts as well as photos of my sister's baby. Obviously I won't be doing that now. I was thinking of maybe getting her a little plant as a gift.

Thanks again for your help.

Starfish

Your friend is truly blessed to have a friend with enough humility and insight to ask for advice. So you are already off to a good start. Don't be afraid to ask your friend either, because grief is such a personal journey.

I read through the other posts including the link to the historical posts, there are lots of wonderful suggestions. I've listed in broad categories what seems to work for me.

But if you aren't comfortable with any of the ideas below - as a first step, a very simple recognition of the loss of the baby and their dreams of parenthood, such as I am so sorry and I don't know what to do or say, is a really good start.

first - knowing people are thinking about them demonstrated through their actions - flowers, cards, calls, txts, visits ( a bit hard when you are in different countries), cooking meals, and regularly checking in - days, weeks, months on. Thinking of her without acting is probably not really helpful, and is likely to give your friend the impression that she's not important enough for thought to become action. It's actually probably quite cruel to say "oh yeah I was thinking about you" when there has been no action backing it up. It sounds hollow. It doesn't seem like you will be like this, but spread the word to your friends wider circles of friends.

second -acknowledge their precious child - ask about the baby - such as name, weight, length, hair colour, if appropriate about the delivery and birth and aftermath, remembering special days, and making your own memorial for their baby - trees, stars,photos of sunrises, creating a memory book or memory box, donating to charities in their or their babies name, balloon release, butterfly release, - the ideas are only limited by your imagination, their circumstances, it's also important to mention the baby by name when you speak to them.

third - acknowledge your friend as a mother - she needs your support to start a process of believing and validating that she is a mother, albeit parenting in absentia. She has a very special life long relationship with her baby. But don' forget your friends partner - who is a father in mourning and father's often get forgotten when a baby dies.

fourth - make sure you toughen up and not take offense at something your friend might say or do, or if she behaves differently from how you remember her. She is grieving and trying to find her way through a very tough and confusing time and struggling with so many things - possibly including her own views of the world and her place in it. At the same time be patient, your friend may wish to talk about things you find upsetting and she may repeatedly talk about her experiences.

fifth - be gentle and not expect too much. So many people are afraid to upset a bereaved parent. It a beautiful intention, but sometimes people are so scared to do the wrong thing, they do nothing. Most of the time, with some sensitivity most people aren't going to do or say the "wrong thing". Remember that your friend is already upset, and it's ok for her to show it - be it by crying or being angry. As hard as it can be - when she's angry or crying, support her - try to avoid offering platitudes such as "it was meant to be", or "better luck next time", or "don't be angry". Your friend just needs you to listen and not feel like her grief journey is being judged. Don't expect her to want to be around large groups of people. She may re think some of her friendships. She may want to coccoon herself away from the world and when she does venture back into the world - she needs support, time to re enter the world slowly because its likely she feels very detached from it. Small things that most people take for granted, such as answering the phone, take a great amount of courage for newly bereaved parents.

sixth - read up on grief - books, web sites - so that you have an understanding of some of what your friend might be going through and possibly ask her what books and resources she has access to and make suggestions. Some people early in their grief find forums like this one invaluable whilst at the same time heartbreaking.

seventh - remind her that you love her and that she is courageous.

eight - don't talk too much about world events, especially tragedies. It's likely she won't have the capacity or inclination to even want to listen and if she is, she only feigning. To her ,now and for a while to come, her grief and her memories of her baby will probably consume her.

ninth - take care of yourself too, helping a grieving can be hard.

I would expect your friend to be very sensitive to the thought and sight of pregnant women, new borns ( including the sounds) and infants and possibly even older children. She might be sad, jealous or angry at them. They are a reminder of her empty arms and broken heart and lost dreams By sensitive- I mean the thought or sight or sound is gut wrenching and agonising and most likely overwhelming and will put her back in touch with her very raw grief and hurt. She will need time. Don't take DD and don't mention your sister until your friend does or asks.

This time is about her and she needs support and permission to grieve a very real tragedy.

I know this was a really long reply - I could go on for much longer - I hope it helps you. My heart aches for your friend.

.......... i just wanted to pop by and say what an incredibly caring, deeply compassionate & truly thoughtful friend you are :heartbeat:

Warm hugs to you for doing what you can to help her situation be less painful then it already is :hug:

She would be very fortunate to have you in her life ' again ' !!! xoxoxox

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss, but she sounds lucky to have you in her life.

As hard as it is, just try and be yourself, I'm sure she would appreciate people not tip-toeing around her. talk about her bub, and offer a shoulder to cry on if she needs it. Ask her if there is anything at all you can do, often people will say no, but make sure she knows you are there anytime she may need you.

A plant or something to remember her bub by, like a memory box or something, sounds like a great idea. There is also someone who writes their names in the sand, I can't remember who/where they are, but I'm sure someone on BB can help you out there if you wanted to do something like that for your friend.

You sound like a great friend, and I hope she can soak up your support and kindness to help her come to terms with what has happened. :hug:

Mark babys birthday in your future calendar and send a card or message a year from now xoxoxo

Thanks again for all your advice and kind words. :hug: You are all such lovely caring people. BB makes the world a better place. My friend doesn't have a computer at home, but I will offer for her to use mine and come to BB if she chooses.

Dory - thank you for your post. That is exactly the type of advice I was looking for. I am the type of person who often "thinks" about someone, but don't always follow through with actions for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, or appearing foolish. Your post is so helpful in this regard and it has given me the courage to go and visit my friend tomorrow without being concerned about my own insecurities. If my friend doesn't want to talk to me or something, she will tell me, but it is up to me to reach out and let her know I am there for her.

True Dory - such valuable words xoxoxo

My goodness Dory, that is just so spot on. I am so sorry you have come to know this journey so well. So very sorry hun.
Starfish, you are a precious friend and I hope your friend heals with the time she needs.

My advice is to listen to her....I know that seems vague but it has been my biggest issue. I have been very open about what i need and that is space and time. That has not always been respected. It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking she might be going mad...and to some extent that is true. She needs to hear that she is normal, this is all normal. As tragic as it is, she is normal and what she is feeling is normal. But i couldn't agree more with Dory, actions speak louder than words. By space i mean space but not to be forgotten either. There will be a lot of damned if you do and damned if you don't so dory's advice on being strong and patient with your friend could not me more accurate.
take care of yourself hun and what ever you do, be honest enough with yourself and your friend that if you get stuck and don't know what to do, say so, don't give up and let it go. She already feel like her world is falling apart.
Love HM xoox