She won't play!

DD1 is 3,5 yrs and she won't play. She has never really but it seems it is getting worse where she will not even try. I don't mean if she is left on her own. If she is on her own, she just wants to watch TV or play on the computer. She won't play with any of her toys. She likes that I play with her and when I do she just sits and watches me. When we go to playgroup she will just watch all the other children. Is this normal? What can I do to get her to play? She is not a very active child although I do try to take her to parks etc. She does dancing once a week which she loves but that is it. Any ideas?

ETA: I have enrolled her in Kindy in the local Primary School next year and really hope this helps her.

are you active? do you like the tv or the computer?
when you go to the park do you play to?

children do learn quickly to like doing nothing.
maybe having tv and PC free days will help her play skills.

Can you get things that might encourage her to dance etc, ballerina costume, dress ups, those dance mat things or the tiny ballerina bars?

Maybe something that encourages things she already likes to do without using the TV or computer?
Maybe dancing barbies etc?

Sorry prob not much help as DD is still pretty young and although she LOVES watching telly and the wiggles she loves nothing more than being outside with our dogs...
Does your DD have a pet? maybe thats something she would be interested in if your able to have one.

Does she socialise? I mean, is it just imaginative play that she doesn't do, or does she avoid socialising and interacting with others altogether? Has she had must contact with kids her own age or mostly adult contact? Has she attended many play groups? Have you noticed any other behaviours or tendencies that you're worried about?

Kids learn social skills through watching the adults around them (primarily mum & dad), and they're also born with their own natural temperament and social tendencies (introverted or extroverted). Some are naturally less social than others, and that's ok, as long as they can make a few friendships along the way.

Are you or her father the quiet type? In social situations, do you engage with people or are you more comfortable letting it happen around you? If so, she's probably modeling your/his behaviour to some extent. It's also quite natural for pre-school kids to be shy. Never fear though, you can teach social skills. Sometimes children just don't know what to say to other children. You can model this for her by talking to the other children while you're at playgroup. "hi, what's your name? That's a nice dress you're wearing, isn't it DD?", etc etc. Dlo this so she gets some ideas for what to say in social situations. Show her how to take an interest in others and engage them. When you're at playgroup, you can get in there and play with the other kids, don't just push her in the midst of things and expect her to know what to do.

I can totally relate re: computer and TV - I limit both so that we *have* to find something else to do. When DS tries to engage me in an activity, I almost always oblige, because I want to encourage a sense of confidence that he can entice someone else to join him in activities.

If she loves dancing could you put on some music and make up some dances together?

What TV shows/computer games does she like? Suggest a game where you and she act out the roles of her favourite characters. This will encourage her imaginative play. When she starts enjoying this activity, encourage her to take the lead, set the stage, determine the direction of the script, etc. Doing this with her will increase her confidence & self esteem; she will feel like her games and ideas are interesting and worthwhile to others.

Do any of your friends have children the same age? If they do, could you invite them over for a playdate? This will give you further opportunity to encourage & model social skills, but it will be less intimidating as it will be one-on-one and she'll be in her own environment.

Hope some of those ideas are helpful. The only other thing I would say is that it is very nomal for preschoolers to be shy, so try not to be too worried, but if your gut tells you it's more than standard shyness, take her to your GP straight away for a paed referral. If there are any deeper issues, she'll fare best if they're identified early. Goodluck xx

Thanks for the replies and ideas. I do spend alot of time at the computer. So I will limit that from now on to in the evening when the kids are asleep. I don't watch much TV though. Maybe just the news and two other shows a week. My husband does watch alot of tv though. I will definately use some of the ideas given. I do play with her so much I just feel like I get nothing back. I also feel like I leave my other daughter out (she is 11 months) because I spend so much of my playing time with DD1. No one said being a mother was easy I suppose. Thanks again for the ideas.

It is hard to meet everyone's needs isn't it? In some ways I wish I'd waited longer between kids (I have a similar age gap) because just as my firstborn was taking huge social and emotional steps, I became pregnant, exhausted, and then, preoccupied wth a newborn. I noticed DS (2.5) became a bit withdrawn and quiet with all this going on, so I made a big effort to spend more time with him, work fewer hours, limit computers & tv in favour of more creative & interactive activities, go to more playgroups and social activities, etc, and noticed an immediate improvement in his demeanour. So from that I learned that you can turn things around when you change things up a bit. Bloody hard with another little one to tend to aswell, but it's worth it.

It's impossible to be a perfect parent but you're doing a great job. Goodluck and let us know how you go :)