Violent toddler behaviour from a friend's DS!!!!! What to do?

DS of a good friend has been going through a phase for about a year now of really violent behaviour. He is three and a half years old.

Everything I read says it is just a phase and he will grow out of it but I am not so sure.

He hits hard, wrestles, jumps on others kids heads, gets hard toys and whacks them over heads - and not just kids, he does it to adults too!!!! He punched me in the BBs the other day and has hit DH in the delicate bits too. He is extremely defiant and no strong talking to or time out has any effect. It washes straight over the top of him and continues to get worse. This child is an absolute menace when he is in this mood.

I don't want my children playing with him anymore.

His parents are a couple of the most genuine, lovely people you will ever meet and I don't want to lose their friendship.

Has anyone been through anything similar and are there any cures?

I really believe this child has a medical problem. He rarely sleeps through the night and his behaviour goes really off and he gets extremely grumpy if he is at all hungry.

Can anyone point me somewhere where I can tactifully suggest to my friend where she can get some help? She is over it too! He is violent towards her too.

Thanks for your help.

:hug: Oh what an awful situation, I cant offer any help sorry. :hug: xx

There could be a medical problem - he could be intolerant of some food, which is causing pain, which is why he's not sleeping and acting like this. Would sound like that to me.

It could also be a lack of consistant boundaries: do the parents reinforce that he cannot hit when it's just them with him?

Good luck, I hope you can stay friends and protect your own child.

It's a tricky one isn't it, especially when you want to keep your friendship.
Perhaps you could direct her to the Food Intolerance Network. If you google Fed up with food additives, you'll find it. I have had a couple of instances where I've mentioned to people who were struggling with their child's behaviour. It's definitely worth a look.


Good luck :)

I was thinking the same thing as Lady Zaidie about a food intolerance or reaction. Esp. if the violent episodes come and go like moods.

If it were my child, I'd be taking him to a good paediatrician or a child development team and having a thorough assessment done. There are so many possible causes for behaviour like this (medical, behavioural, emotional, developmental) and so many questions I'd want answered. The whole context and history needs to be taken into account. Her GP should be able to refer him to a paed. or a local child development/assessment team.

I understand you not wanting your kids to play with him. You need to protect them, but it is hard for your friend as she is probably starting to become socially isolated because of his behaviour. Is there a way you can catch up with her to offer support without your children around?

We went through this phase with a friend of my ds's. I started only having them over to my house. That way I could enforce the 'my house, my rules'. My ds and I had a chat before this boy would come over about the consequences of hitting/throwing/kicking/snatching etc... then when the child got there I would ask ds if he remembered what we spoke about, in front of the other boy and his mum. This usually resulted in my ds reciting off all the things they are not allowed to do. At this point I would butt in and let them both know that if anyone in my house does those things that person would get time-out. My child or not. Again, this may be harsh but it's my house, my rules. The friend got time-out a couple of times, quite a mild version (had to sit with his mum for 3mins rather than play with toys), but over time he got the message and the behaviour settled down.

I only knew the mum from mothers group and didn't feel like it was my place to say anything to her about her childs behaviour. She was going through a hard time and I don't know how she would have taken it which is why I chose this approach.

Hope this helps and maybe gives you another option!

Thanks for your support and advice.

I have already given her a Sue Dengate book to read but she hasn't done anything to change his diet. He used to react really badly to tomatoes but because he no longer gets bad eczema with those she gives still gives them to him. I have been around when he has been complaining of his tummy hurting.

I don't think it is lack of boundaries - his parents always tell him that the behaviour is unacceptable but it just has no effect.

Sharon - thanks for your input. Boundaries are easier to set in your own home. His mum would have no trouble taking him home if he at all misbehaves in someone else's home. His behaviour is definitely worse when he is at his house but it doesn't stop him trying to hurt other kids when he is at other places too.

The problem I have with the medical profession is that there is so much ignorance about the effect of food intolerances on behavioural issues that it is so hard to find the answers.

If anyone can recommend a good paed or other professional in Melbourne who can help, I would be grateful. Feel free to PM.

I'm the mum to a wild, full on boy. He is now 5 and i'm confined to my house when he is home. He has only JUST been diagnosed ADHD and its been a long, difficult, stressful and tireing journey. I dont go out to playgroups as we were pushed out of 2 groups due to DS and his behaviour.

All i can say is if there is an issue its not the child or even the parent fault in most cases. I feel like Both my son and i have been punished for something that is beyond his and my control. I know the situation is hard as NOONE wants their child to be hurt by another child but on the other hand should that child not be able to play because they are wilder and not able to be controled as well as other children? Its a very difficult situation. When DS was younger EVERYONE would tell me somethings not right with him... he;s wild, out of control... I was told he was ADHD from aged 2 by friends, family strangers etc But to get a GP or Paed to say that was the difficult part.

I was instructed to do parenting courses (being only 20 they figured it was my parenting) SO i did EVERYTHING they asked me to try. 3 parenting courses, 1 behaviour management trial program, time out, sending to bed, taking away toys for bad behaviour, elimination diets, Omeaga 3 fish oil and Evening primrose oil once a day sonce he was 3 1/2, Sue dengate Diet (which worked to a degree... i have info if you'd like), occupationsl therapist, speech therapist (as he also has a speech delay) behaviour management team, hmmmmm and i'm sure there is more.
Were currently working on a strict schedule for him which also allows plenty of energy burning time. We were recently told that Boys especially need to burn off energy and also need that rough play occasionally. We started allocating time for DS to play rough with Daddy and its their own special time. (i think it would have been better if we started it sooner) They wrestle and do their thing and when its almost time to stop daddy tels DS that they have 2 more minutes then times up. Once they finnished Daddy gives DS a BIG squeezy hug (for a while and this helps calm him down ready for safe play).

Despite the fact DS i intolerant of dairy, he was given chocolate yesterday by a chum - which I didn't know about (til DS came home and started asking for Cadbury's animal biscuits!).

Yesterday, he screamed for no reason, hit me, hit DH, ran around shouting, couldn't even sit still through The Gruffalo, which he had asked me to read for him. Refused to go to sleep.

Today, he has been an angel boy. Played nice - and yes, played rough too. But "nice" rough. Told me he loves me. Gone to bed with no quibbles. Listened to a story aimed at a 6-8 year old (I buy books in advance). Knew his manners. Played with words and letters.

It is ALL down to if he is given milk.

Tell your friend to trial her DS without tomatoes for a few days. I know it's hard. It still is hard to explain to DS that he can't have cake from a shop because it has cow milk in. (We use goat and soy at home.) No cheesecake. No pom bears. No scones or pastries or flapjack from the baker. But now DS knows what will happen if he has cow milk and accepts it - he usually asks about it. Clearly cadbury's animals were an amnesiac for him, which I quite understand. But when you see the outcome, all of a sudden pasta sauces can become creme fraise (an option I don't have!), cucumber can go with cheese or ham in sandwiches, home-made pizzas without the tomato puree... it is hard work, but it's harder work not doing it, IMO. And it's only really Italian food it affects.

Do feel free to share this with your friend: intolerances are AWFUL (I had dairy intolerance too, only nothing was done about it) and her poor lad is suffering just for a change in diet for a few days' trial.

Sorry it's just a very quick response because my own toddler is trashing the lounge-room, but you might find it helpful to refer your friend to the Failsafe dietary information as well. I believe it is similar to the Sue Dengate program in that it identifies and systematically eliminates certain known behaviour modifiers - if your friend's son reacts to tomatoes it is perhaps likely that he reacts to all salicylates.

She may find it a burden to attempt to modify his diet, but from what I know of other people who have done this the results are well worth any inconvenience.