Dealing with anger/frustration

DD has just started getting angry an having little tantrums!! I didn't expect this sort of stuff to happen so early!!

If I do something she doesn't want to do, e.g. put her on the change table to change her nappy, she will go stiff and kick me and yell and wave her arms. You can see on her face how cranky she is.

So I know it's because she's angry and that's fine she's allowed to get angry but that doesn't mean it's going to stop me changing her nappy. She's just a baby who's learning that she has all these new emotions and my job is to help her deal with them in a healthy way when she's feeling a bit overwhelmed.

But how to do that...that is the question...

What do you do?

This will be long I think...

For starters, when it comes to nappy changes that is a hard one. We stoped using the change table as it did become to dangerous, she's try to roll off, now we change her on the floor (since about 6 months), give her a toy to try and distract her. Sometimes we do it in two lots if she gets very worked up about it, so take the nappy off, let her crawl away and calm down, and then once she's calmed down we say "are you calm now? We'll put your nappy on". We hope that it will let her know that yes it will get done, but sometimes its good to calm down and try again. I know, fairly abstract ;) but thats my rationale.


When it comes to outbursts, I try to get down on the floor and distract her or cuddle, maybe bf her if i think it'll work LOL! Or maybe she is frustrated because she can't fit a toy in so I'll help, or that she is bored or whatever, but if that doesn't work, and saying "STOP Jazz, be gentle" doesn't stop her from kicking and screaming, and she is intent of going through the motions of kicking and screaming and hitting etc, what I do is pick her up and put her on the floor in her room.

We have created her room as a 'safe' room, with a BIG space on the floor, and some pillows and soft toys in there so she can roll around, kick, scream and carry on as much as she needs to without hurting herself (or anyone/thing else). I do NOT shut the door. I do NOT get angry with her or smack her. I just put her on the floor in there, and say "I know you're anger/frustrated but it's not ok to hurt each other. When you're calm, come back out to us" it took a while of me picking her back up and putting her back in if she came out 'violent' but now she has mostly learnt that cranky pants kicking screaming pinching hitting Jazz can go to her room, lay on the floor and have a tanty in the pillows, and when she comes out with gentle arms and legs (she might be still crying and not be completely calm, but gentle arms and legs is all we want!! LOL!) she gets cuddles and we go back to helping her calm down, distractions or reading a book etc.

This is what we feel is right for us, and it may not work for everyone.
No feelings are 'bad' and we accept that she'll get cranky, but if she gets violent, or may hurt herself, or us, or break something, the safest place is in her room.
We can see her and she can see us from her room too so it isn't isolation or punishment. She has her space to get it out. I don't know if it is 'right' but at this stage it's not as though we can sit and down and have a deep conversation about feelings, so for her physically getting it out, rolling on pillows or whatever, is what works for us. We do comment on feeings, like "oh Jazz you look so happy" or "Are you frustrated Jazz? What do you need?" but yeah she's doesn't have the language yet to talk it out so my advice if you think it sounds like what would work, it to create a safe space for her to physically get it out, make it an acceptable space, not a punishment. I did wonder about her associating tantrums/anger/frustration with her bedroom, but we haven't had a problem with that. I don't force her to stay in there, it isn't punishment, it's giving her the space to be cranky, but if she comes out and is still crying/cranky but not violent, and wants cuddles she gets them.


Ok that was a ramble, did it makes sense?

I had worried that it was like controlled crying, so we don't stick her in a confined place like her cot, we don't isolate her by shutting the door or putting her in the back room, we don't get angry or smack her or treat it as punishment. I feel this is a really respectful way of dealing with it, allowing her space to physically express her frustration/anger while also allowing her to come to us if she needs to. Hitting, biting, scratching, kicking etc is just not on, but it makes no sense to me to say stop hitting me and then smack her :o

Some people smack, and thats fine for them. Some people don't accept physical expression at all, so discourage kicking and screaming, and thats fine for them. Some people don't think the child should be put in their room, and that's fine too.

I don't know what I'd do if she decided to do a full on kicking screaming event in a shopping centre, I guess I'd be the mum standing there watching her! Maybe I could find a Pillow Talk :think: :rofl:
But right now this works for us, mostly we get whinging and usually theres a reason which makes it easier to solve - distraction works a lot of the time. We haven't yet had kicking and screaming tantys outside of the home which is lucky. Well, she does arch and kick in the pram, because she wants to get out, so I put the sling on.... works most times ;) Otherwise distract with a toy in her nappy bag (the tanty toy ;) that sings and talks). I think I work harder at distracting when we're out than when we're home because I know I have plan B at home. Of course that won't work forever, but it buys me time for now hahahahahaha. One step at a time!

Anyway, thats what we do. Take it or leave it ;) :)

Oh, I did a bit of 'modelling' to show her what the pillows were for, laying on the ground and having a roll around while yelling a bit. LOL, it was very amusing to her. I did it a few times. We did only start when she was just on 12 months too, but thats because thats when we needed to. Tantys before then were easily distracted.

short answer - distract distract distract!
try and get a laugh - any way you can! I know this is hard when you yourself get frustrated, but you just have to try and have your clown face on :p

Thanks guys! I've been mainly going with the distraction route so far!! But then I got thinking maybe that wasn't good coz I was teaching her it wasn't ok to be angry iykwim.

I think too much, lol.

at this age distraction is the best :)
you can start giving names for emotions - that can be helpful early, but I think its valuable to avoid tantrum situations by distracting them till they are older (but I guess by then they shouldn't be tantruming?!) :think:
:lol:

Agreed- distraction ;) If ds chucks a full on kicking and screaming one, I'll put him down on the floor and step back, and wait till he's done with the violence, then give him a cuddle and tell him it's ok, I know he is cranky/tired/hungry/ whatever but we can't kick and hit people. I find naming it helps a lot too- angry, frustrated, sad, etc.

With the nappy changes, maybe put her on the floor and distract as best you can, change the nappy as quick as you can, and tell her you understand she is cranky but you need to change her nappy and t won't take long.

HTH :)

Leasha - we do exactly the same with the nappy changing drama and the emotional outbursts and it seems to work well so far. We had the same thoughts about whether or not it was 'right' but it's working well with our DS so we'll stick with it for now.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. That's all we can do :D

With nappy changes I find something abstract that DD hasn't seen before, like a tea strainer or a teapot lid or a bag of cotton balls and I have them ready to give to her to look at when her nappy is being changed. I tell her the rules about the new toy though:

"Look DD, look what mummy has for you! Its a teapot lid, wow, isn't that amazing. Ok you can have it, but you have to lie still ok? If you roll, mummy will take it off you. Ready, here it is."

And I do take it off her if she rolls, but I give her a warning first. "lie still bub, or Mummy will take it off you"

It seems to work. DD was doing the full body stiffening / arching thing too but not anymore.

DD does a bit of this too.... I give her the pack of baby wipes to hold and she's happy (most of the time it works!!) :lol: she loves the crinkling sound the packet makes and she thinks she's helping me by taking the wipes out!! Cute.
Like the girls said, distraction is the best!!
And I also talk to DD and say "it's ok, I know you are upset and angry but I won't be long I just have to change your nappy and then you can play ok??" just talk to her.

I am having the same troubles Heaven.

The last 3 days I feel like I have a different child. Doesnt want to sit int he car seat or pram and stiffens her legs and back so she wont sit down. She's also doing a fake cry/howl when she is frustrated (the dog started howling back at her) :rofl: - that distracted her!

I am finidng it really wearing at the moment as I am so tired.

Thanks for the thread and thanks to everyone who posted with some good advice.