I apologise now if this is long the only person apart from my ex and 1 member of BB is DH that i have really spoken about this to and even then its been pretty brief except with DH.
So it all began in 2002 at 15 on May 22nd a man 4 years older than me the son of a family friend who i considered my best friend betrayed my trust resulting in me going off the rails so to speak.
On that day the person who i thought my best friend confided everything to raped me resulting in a pregnancy. This story is quite complicated and i apologise now for it being a little all over the place this is the first ever time ive told the whole story in one go. At the time I had a great bf who I still to this day owns a part of my heart (does that make sense lol!) Ok so back to the point I was raped and my world was spiraled by that alone I told my partner at the time and he understandably was furious and wanting to kill (not literally but ykwim)
3 weeks later i found out i was pregnant and had never had sex with anyone but the filthy betrayer so of course it was his. Being 15 and brought up by very strict parents who i was never and still am not close to I couldnt tell them so obviously couldnt abort the child. In august of 2002 my parents were planning to move us to Australia (i am british) I was devastated the only person who knew my secret and i was being torn away from him.
I never told the guy that i was pregnant my then bf and I had planned to act like the baby was alexs (then bf) but I still couldnt tell my parents 2 of my cousins had there 1st borns at 16 and the things my parents said about them i just couldnt do it so Alex and I made a plan he had quite a bit of savings so once i had moved over I was to runaway back to England my parents would never know I would be back where I wanted to be - problem solved!
We moved over in August 2002 thankfully it was winter here i kept rugged up to hide the slight bump that I had, my parents were non the wiser. November 2nd Alex came over from the UK he was worried about us making our great get away on my own so came over to help me break away so to speak. As he had never been out of England before he planned on staying in Australia for a few weeks before we headed off. On November 6th 2002 I woke up in our motel room (i had already run away by this point) with sever stomach cramps, I passed it off as just a stomach ache although it hurt far worse another 4 hours later and i couldnt walk, stand, barely talk or anything so Alex decided it was time to head to the hospital who informed me i was in pre-term labour (i was 25 weeks pregnant) i had a drip inserted and was given orange pills (cant remember the name) to attempt to stop the labour but I was too far gone, 2 hours later Anthony James was born, weighing 1lb 4oz.
He was surrounded by doctors and nurses the whole time I didnt get to hold him at first, 2 3/4 hours later even more doctors and nurses were rushed in I was panicking to the max sitting up in NICU my baby had stopped breathing followed 13 minutes later by his heart stopping, the medical team were unable to resussitate him so my baby Anthony James passed away barely 3 hours old.
To this day I still cannot cope with it, I have tried so many ways (many not the right way) drinking day and night, drug use anything to try and block the pain. When I met DH something was different I told him my story and he understood I got myself cleaned up and now have an beautiful daughter to him after making yet another mistake with DD1's father (aka the sperm donor)
I am sorry this is so long and a bit all over the place but I feel a lot better getting my story out, if you have any questions please do ask it will probably help me to talk a little more! Sorry will have to cut it off here can barely see the screen through tears
