how can they do it?

I'm sitting here , reading a few posts on here
and one thing i am really wondering
if all the men who have kids
who know they have kids
how can they just walk away?
how can a man father a child and just walk away from it
not caring how he/ she is
or the future impact it will have on the innocent child?
and why is it
that they are able to move on so quickly from the women that gave birth to their children
women that they spent years with
for the first piece off ass that comes along
that they dont love,, will never love
my ex moved on after a few month after our 5 year relationship ended.
with someone he i know through the grape vine he is only using and doesnt love
and i have read other stories on here that are the same
will they ever realise one day what they have done
will the light bulb ever turn on
or do they honestly not give a damn and never will.
and why is it.. after not seeing my ex in almost 2 years
a part of me still misses him and still thinks of him
and feels angry as hell that he is with another woman.
sometimes i just wish i could understand how someone can not even want to know their own childs name
it just seems so wrong......so very wrong

I totally agree, The sad thing is theres so many great guys out there who want to be married and have children but get missed. Then you think about all the poor people out there who want kids and cant have them. Its like the most amazing and beautiful experience theyll ever have and they want nothing to do with it. They dont think about the children and how theyll turn out. Just their back pockets because they have booze to buy you know

There are a lot on the other side of the story as well, dads who's wives leave them with the kids. I know of four men personally who's wives left them & didn't want their children (strangely enough I know no men like this). I don't think it is men necessarily, just some people. I just feel sad for the kids in either circumstance, it would be horrible to grow up thinking that one of your parents didn't want you :(

But i'm convinced that all kids of single mothers (or fathers) can still be just as happy. Can't they? :o I have to believe this, or else whats the point in pouring my heart and soul into being the best Mum I can be if i'm just going to raise a child who feels neglected anyway? Seems kind of like fighting a losing battle if that's the case.

I hope I never hear the line 'Well, I never knew my dad, what did you expect?' or something like that.

Surely, despite the unsuitable men some of us have chosen to be our baby's dads, we can still raise happy, healthy, fulfilled, successful children who have no doubt they're loved?

3 weeks from having my first baby, this issue is my biggest fear.

My DH has grown up not knowing his dad and he still questions why his dad wouldn't have wanted anything to do with him from about the age of 7 and just stopped contact, which I think is harder for him to accept than if he never knew him at all.

But at the end of the day my DH has grown in to a happy & successful man and he strongly believes a single parent who loves and adores their childen, is a better suituation to grow up in than in a hostile relationship where the parents stay together for the sake of the kids or use kids as pawns in emotional blackmail.

On the otherhand one of his best mates has been left to look after his 3 daughters, and this is something his mate wouldn't change for the world, even though he struggles to juggle everything.

Thank you Pheonix76 for sharing that. It's really comforting to hear.

My grandmother left when my mum was just a baby, I think she was around two, so she never knew her mum. She knows how much her dad loved her & I don't think there was ever any doubt about that. She grew up happy & had lots of love around her :) Don't stress, you can still make it work out :D

:hug: newmummy You will make a fantastic mum and your little girl will grow and know you love her and only want the best for her.

FWIW - my DH ended up with a step father and his half siblings are the ones who have "issues" and they grew up with both their natural parents

I have no idea how you could just walk out on your children and not have any contact with them. I go insane if I don't see/talk to my kids every single day. I guess it is just some people, both men and women, who can be this selfish.
But I truely believe that a single parent can raise kids as loved as a kid raised with two, sometimes better if the parents relationship is strained and they stay together for the sake of the kids.

cmama - sometimes there is no just no real explanation. Sometimes they don't realise until it's too late...or they go on to have another child and it hits them then.

I understand how much you are hurting right now - try your very best to move on and create the best possible life for yourself and therefore you daughter.

I had my daughter on my own for 8 years until I got married. S is the best step dad you could imagine. We split up a few years later and nothing stopped him from continuing on their relationship.

She is 17 now and still very very close to him, in fact I am too. She didn't miss out on anything, is a terrific and popular student.
Not having a dad isn't the worst thing in the world (it's not ideal either), get plenty of role models around you both and show her that family isn't necesarily about blood relatives.

In fact one of the closest families I know (currently preparing for a HUGE Xmas dinner!) have not one blood relative among them. They created their own, you can do the same.

xoxoxo

ETA- I had a great time raising DD on my own. Some times it was hard but we had a hell of a lot of fun together and still do even though she is in the middle of teen drama queen years.
Have a good Xmas

cmama, i often wonder the same thing hun..
especially when you do as a mother, pour your heart and soul into your child, i feel like im in a total battle with myself at times at trying to be more than i can possibly be because of the fact my beautiful dd has a dad who i know loves her with his heart is just to irresponsible to immature to scared to even help out let alone turn up once a week to visit her, who know has told us hes moving away to brisbane... id be stuffed if i ever understand.. all i know is i will try and try to give grace the best possible life i just hope that one day i will realise its enough.

I watched last nite the movie 'Anywhere but here' (really recommend it)with natalie portman and susan sarandon its not a new ish movie but it was so beautiful about a single mum and her teenage daughter and it just shows the struggles and joys of life and the acceptance of life as it is

it did make me wonder will dd grow to resent me because i couldnt be enough for her... im probably totally off track with the subject so ill stop now.

i just want to let you know you are a beautiful mummy and your doing everything you possibly can for ur daughter.. put your mind to rest abit and enjoy the beautiful magical moments with her and enjoy it xx

I don't know any families personally where the Mama has left - but I do know plenty where the man has walked away with little or no contact.
I don't know how they do that - but I don't know that you need to spend time trying to understand this. It's not worth it my love.

It is also shocking to me how quickly men move on... Filling up a space with another woman as quickly as possible. That to me says there is a high degree of immaturity & an inability to be alone with oneself. Both dangerous when combined with a new relationship.

It's not ideal having a fractured family - but I think it might help to look at it like this... It's the way it is. Lamenting about what it "should" be like won't help. It is what it is... This is your story & it's your child's story. Just live in the moment. Enjoy the gorgeous times & grow as a person. That is the best thing for you and for your baby.

Merry Christmas my love - may the new year bring peace. :hug:

i know of a few people who it goes both ways (men leaving and women leaving) with DD1 myself and her "father" if you can call him that split up it was a week after her first birthday, 2 years later after a lot of arguements, solicitors etc he finally gave up and said in front of her "i have 2 other daughters now i dont need claire" and although it is best for her not to see him (long story but criminal, druggo, bickie gangs just not safe for her to be around him) it still hurt just the dont need her part shes not an object shes a human being

I know of both circumstances too... mother or father up and leaving and no contact

personally i dont know how they do it

my ex thought the grass was going to be greener on the other side of the fence and well I sit here and laugh at him because he is miserable and alone because he thought he would have no problems in the single world and women would flock to him (kid me not)

and as for me I am happier then i have been in a long time (nothing but the girls births has made me happier) I am in a wonderful relationship with the most gorgeous man..

and as for the contact.. sometimes i would have preferred he walked away and never looked back, because in my eyes it would be easier to deal with then his half arsed parenting which only happens because his family dictate to him that he needs to see the girls and they would be extremly disappointed if he stopped contact.. so really he only sees them because he thinks it the right thing not because he wants too. and well 90% of the time the girls would rather stay home with me.. which makes it sader.

DH left his Ex and two children. We continued contact and visits up until April 2008 - at which time things got nasty from the ex's end. Putting in malicious complaints about my (now) DH at work, almost ruining his career - in any event she has dented it slightly, but we should be able to jump that hurdle easy enough.

Once the ex got a b/f it all changed. She no longer 'needed' anything to do with my DH other than the CS $$$ - which of course she receives without needing any communication with him. There was no house she needed him to fix, or car - she had a new man to do that for her. She made every attempt at us seeing the kids incredibly difficult - and in the end said we couldn't see them at all. She has also stated that she will continue to put in malicous complaints about us at work so she gets her way.

We don't have the $$ to fight, and at this stage I just let DH know that at any time he wants to follow up contact with them I will support him 100%. Neither of us want the 'blackmail' of further complaints to do with our work - and due to our jobs they are all taken incredibly seriously. It was a tough 18mths from April 08 - fights, arguing, concerns over the house / kids upbringing she was exposing them too....

We've learnt thru a mutual friend who ran into DH's ex and kids that the eldest daughter said 'my daddy is dead'...the kid was 5 at the time :shakehead:. And she said that to the mutual friend, way to go with the parenting! Even if that wasn't rubbish put in her head by her mother, she made no attempt to correct the daughter, but she actually agreed with her and stated 'yes, daddy died'. :rolleyes:.

Of course DH cares about how the kids are, it is still very upsetting for him. It's not like he has just turned a switch off and forgotten them, although it may appear that is the case for some guys - just not my DH. His mother still has contact with the girls - although she is in Melbourne, and contact varies on whether the ex answers the phone and how easy she wants to be to get along with. So we at least know they are alive.

I don't think people should stay together 'just for the kids' - while I feel attempting to recover the relationship is important, sometimes it just doesn't work out. I think a happy single parent is much more productive and positive than two arguing ones ;).

Cmama - I wouldn't like to call myself 'the first piece of ass' that came along - but rather the person that brightened my now DH's life up - we just clicked, and we are still clicking ;).

Have you thought about counselling to make yourself feel some closure about the relationship that has ended? It may help you move on with your life by recreating your enthusiasm and positivity for life.

My father was in my life up until i was about 4 years old, i have not seen or heard from him in 17 years. Some days i am thankful for it but other days i wonder if he misses me at all, does he think about me? has he got a new family, does he treat them better than he treated us??

My mum always made sure we were well looked after, although i did have a step dad for a number of years it didnt feel like i had a father as he wasnt that involved in our lives. I don't look at myself and think i am any different from other families, i have my sisters and my brother and i have a great mother.

I have to say that i dont think it would be easy for them, it may be something they live to regret for the rest of their lives just like those women who give their babies up for adoption i am sure that a number of them regret their decision every day of their lives but its something we will never know unless we are ever in that situation. but i can never see myself leaving my child.

:hug: xxx

I don't know if this will help or not, but I hope it does! Coming from the queer community I've learned that really, biology does not family make. You pick and choose your own family. I think in straight relationships there is this enormous pressure that the bio-mum and bio-dad are the be all and end all for the child and the kid will grow with two heads or something if it's not all ideal. And maybe without much exposure except to happy two parent families, it can be horrible when it goes wrong for you.

But kids grow up fine in all circumstances with love and stability and protection. The rest is optional. I mean, yes, it's sad if people walk away from their children but it's how we react to that that can have a bigger impact and it's a waste of energy to focus on the "why" with people and their reasons for disappearing.

My story is also very odd - lesbian for ten years, experimented with men in my 30's and ooops, 9 months later I have a child after a fling. He wants nothing to do with the kid. I was angry/sad for a while then realised I can make my own support network. After all I know kids with two mums, one mum, two dads, two dads and two mums, two mums a bio-gay-donor-dad, then a second dad when the girl started seeing men! All sorts of combos and the kids are fine (and research backs it up too)

In my case, my gay best friend stepped up and is the "Gunkle" (Gay Uncle) to my boy and was at all the birth classes, the birth, cut the cord, buys clothes, toys, cooks cleans and loves the hell out of my kid. So I will have to explain to my son that while his father and I didn't work out, it should be obvious how loved and wanted he is looking at the people I've "created" our family with!

I guess what I'm trying to say it as hurtful as it is when people walk away from their bio-kids, too much energy is wasted agonising over it all when that energy could be put into making new support networks, however you find them.

XP stayed out of DD1's life for years - his choice - & has recently attempted to re-establish a relationship.
The problem is, she is now 14 & he is a stranger to her. She doesn't feel comfortable alone with him, but he doesn't understand - to him, he is her 'daddy' and he can't work out what the problem is. He thinks it's us :rolleyes:
DH has been in her life since she was 11 mths old & he is her dad & always will be, whether we are together or not. He tells her he fell in love with her before me :D so she is lucky to have had that in her life.

My mum left me with my dad when I was 2 and a half, moved interstate. I did get to see her over the years but when I had my own children it hit me like a ton of bricks that she had up & left me, moved away - I could NEVER do that to my kids. So yeah I have had a bit to deal with (still am ;))
But I see it as part of my life's journey, I guess, we all have things to deal with & lessons to learn... these are mine.

It's normal to feel hurt for our children... but it's not the end of the world for them. There is still plenty of love in the world :hug:
I hope you find peace