Why are some ppl so...

Why are some people so....URGH!! :wall: And more to the point, how should I deal with such people.

(Mods I thought this is the right place for the thread as it is more about emotional growth than a boohoo as such, it just stems from my boohoo ;).

Certain ppl on DH's side of the family are sooooo defensive. No matter what we say; if it is anything different to their mode of thinking - we get shot down immediately and spoken too like we are immature children. It seriously does my head in. How long should we be expected to 'keep the peace' at the expense of our feelings / self esteem?

From work I adopt a fair and firm approach to people, but this just puts their (DH's family members) heckles up even more. They'll get more defensive if we try to have an opinion :rolleyes: if we don't back down it will almost certainly end in a fight.

How do you 'keep the peace' yet get your point across without getting a defensive attitude back in response?

Is it just life that some people act this way and nothing can get through to them?

Is it possible to lead someone else into emotional growth without them even knowing it (like training a puppy or similar)?

People like this won't change because this behaviour works for them. They more than likely don't care about others as long as they get what they want (always keeping the peace for their sake).

So having said that, you can't be responsible for their apparent hurt feelings or hackles rising - BUT you don't have to bend for them all the time. In fact that's what perpetuates their behaviour.

You can't really teach EG to those that don't want it/can't see they need but, but you certainly can train them how things work in your world iykwim?

You don't have to get into a fight with them...two to tango :), state your case and walk away.

The only thing you can control is your reaction to others' words and behaviours, you can't change these for them.

Staying calm in the face of confrontation can help defuse aggression. If it doesn't, then they're looking for a fight. Remember, just because a person yells the loudest, it doesn't make them right or wrong. The calmer you remain, the sillier they look (even whilst they feel smug and superior). Pity them, if you can, for feeling so insecure they need to browbeat others. And if someone feels insecure and defensive, you can't change that - that's their own self-esteem issues. Some people need to feel persecuted, unfortunatley.

You can suggest that you agree to disagree on things. Some things that can be useful include:

"That's an interesting perspective, tell me more..." followed by lots of eye contact, nodding and "ah huh", "mmm" etc. They get to be listened and you get to think "WTF!" in your head. (If you feel like being a cow, wait til the end, then look all wide-eyed and state "What a fascinating way to look at the world! That works for you does it?" but then you'll really start an argument)
"That's an interesting way of looking at things."
"That's one way of looking at things, I agree. Not the way I see things, but isn't that what makes wthe world such an amazing place...do you mind passing the potato salad?"
"Hmmm. Well, that's an interesting theory. I think we'll have to agree to disagree there. Where did you get that fascinating [insert object here]?"
"I can see you feel passionately about X. Good for you"
"Wasn't it Voltaire who said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it?" btw - it wasn't Voltaire, but is comonly attributed to him.

Otherwise, if none of that works, humming to yourself and imaging them all naked/in their jammies, may help you stay sane.

GL

Unfortunately this person will 'black list' anyone that stands up to her...which is not so bad if it just isolated her out of the picture, but it creates a further distance with DH's father - who just lay's low in the background. He won't say boo to a fly.