I lost my miracle

Hi Ladies;

I am hoping this doesn't turn out too long. I need to get how I feel out. I need to talk to women who have and who are going through the pain of losing a child. I won't tell the whole story. I am a college student, I take care of both of my Parents. amongst everything that has happened to me within the past 5 months.

On July 1st of 2009 I found out I was pregnant. I was happy,elated and excited. I also 2 days later found out that my nephew committed suicide on the 3rd of july. I was devastated, crying day and night. a day later I left out of state to plan his funeral. I saw hi body. I felt like I was going to die. I was worried about being pregnant and dealing with grief. I am still grieving till this day. . it took me till sometime in August to stop ceying everyday over him dying. When i got back in town it was very very rough. The end of July I start spotting, very faintly. It stopped a day then came back on the 1st of August, i started cramping so we called the doctor i was seen on august 3rd. In the office after doing a ultrasound the doctor told me my pregnancy was threathened. I had to come back at 2pm that day. I had started bleeding again, but then cramping had stopped. Long story short i started going into premature labor at 3 months. I was standing in a puddle of blood and the contractions were horrible. . i was screaming,bleeding and contractions kept going. . My fiance rushed me to the the doctors office. . i had started passing clots of blood. He did another ultra sound and couldn't see the baby. . he apologized to us and i kept screaming except it had gotten worse and i was still contracting and the bleeding was horrible. I looked down and found my baby. . just laying there. . it looked strange, just in a sac. . and i started screaming. the nurse showed my doctor and i couldn't move, as if i was paralyzed. As my fiance cried i wouldn't look at him, I blamed myself ( and apart of me still does), I blamed it on my nephew dying, I blamed on the current stress i had in my life. I was torn and I still am. That baby was my miracle. Since then life had been so hard. . Its been 5months since and I don't cry endless i see the ultra sound pictures i first got. I am still hurting, I feel wierd, I feel lost and like a hole is there, I feel empty, I feel like i lost apart of me. I want to know there are others who are going through this .... I need help.


I started reading forums about a month ago and it has helped hearing others stories. If you are going through this I hope you'll respond. I feel like i kinda going crazy just because i feel so many different things . . so many emotions. I wish I had carried long enough to know the sex, at least. And on top of still grieving for my baby and the lost of newphew. My mother just had a stroke and my Father has gotten sicker.

I'm so sorry to every woman who has gone through this. .

Big :hug: to you. I am sorry for the loss of your precious angel and for your nephew. The pain of loss seems sometimes unbearable but in time you learn how to deal with your grief and slowly grow stronger. I know you will find lots of support here on BB.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

Thank you very much Dianne. :)

Big :hug: hun.

Am so sorry you are hurting so much.
Just remember to take one day at a time and grieve for both the loss of your nephew and your baby. It will take awhile but don't shut out those close to you, you need each other to heal.
You will never forget the baby you carried as it was a part of you.
Try and find a support group, not sure what you have there, that have been through similar experiences. These people know what you have been through and can support you as you deal with everything you are going through.
With your parents so unwell make sure you get some time to yourself. Ask the hospital social worker for support, that is what they are there for.
My thoughts are with you as you deal with all that is happening in your life at the moment. :)

Thank you very much. . . Your encouraging words help a lot! It was and still is very rough. The biggest thing was not being able to really talk to anyone and feeling alone. My fiance was and has been so amazing!! But, I pushed him away. He has cried just as much as I have, and i think apart of me forgot about how he feels, because of how I felt since I carried the baby. He has been TORN . . And I feel so bad.

Couldnt read this and not send my love and sympathies. I have not been through this but there are lots of beautiful women here who will help you. My hugs to you!

Hello Lyrics Ballerina,
Im so sorry you lost your precious angel so tragically, just know that you are not alone and that you must heal gently and slowly. It is sad but true that many many women on BB have lost angels and in my own experience the women here listen and help and understand the pain involved with the loss of an angel.
Be kind to yourself,
Lauren

Firstly I am so very very sorry for your loss, with time it does get easier although 7 years since my sons death i still have days that I find hard to deal with. I will be honest (though this is just my personal experience) you do not ever get over the death of your child but you learn to live with it. Are you thinking of trying for another baby ever? I am also sorry to hear about your nephew and your current situation with your parents. I hope one day you find peace with the loss of the baby.

sorry for the loss of your baby& your nephew.I'm a carer for my mum and i know sometimes it is hard to find time to go see councillors,i found the sids & kids helpline very supportive,it is a 24 hour telephone helpline.Hope your mum & dad see healthier days in 2010 & 2010 brings you some healing,the loss of a baby is absolutely devastating,guilt is a very common feeling after loss ,try to be kind to yourself,i found naming bub helped me,you could use a unisex name or nickname.

Honey, I am so so sorry for your loss. I couldnt read about your heartache and not respond, I dont have any answers or advice but just want to send you lots of huge and enormous :hug:.


Lily Dust
:angel: 9wks October 2008

Hello LyricsBallerina ... i'm just so heartbroken for you, i too have in the past experienced a m/c through which i was caused a massive amount of stress through the unneccessary and selfish actions of others, it was incredibly hard to not blame them (but then it was hard to prove if they were the actual reason of loss) but so sad what will be will be and us as human beings need to get past that emotion as it just fuels us with poison and the baby we have lost would have known we loved & wanted them dearly and they would never have wanted us to continue our own life with negative thoughts to those that didn't help the situation ... So, i guess i just wanted to pop by and say i so feel for you and i promise the pain of loss will get gentler as time goes by but within your heart your beautiful bubba will forever be & you keep that precious & locked away with your magical & loving key :hug: