Am I being ungrateful?

Ok so my latest anxiety is one I feel really guilty about. I have found the closer I get to the birth of my little one the more I am getting anxious about my relationship with my DH. There is nothing wrong with our relationship. In fact it is stronger and stronger everyday and that is the problem. I am beginning to mourn the loss of us as just a couple. I found myself crying sometimes thinking 'this could be our last night just the two of us' I am desperate to meet the baby and for us to be a family but I cannot shake this grief at losing 'us.' Is this normal and I am just beating myself up about it because I am a LTTCer and so therefore think I should be more 'grateful' for this baby than anyone else who conceived easily? We have been together for twelve years and I think that is a long time just as the two of us. Will it ever be the same? Will we drift apart? I am sad for my DH that I may detach from him and he will be neglected. I feel so terrible that I feel like this. Has anyone else felt this?
I have a feeling it might also be because my dad is due to come and stay with us as he is leaving his wife and the stress of that might be a big contributory factor. I sort of feel if our last night as a 'couple' was decided by the baby and not by when my dad arrives it wouldn't feel so bad.

I guess I must be the only one to have felt like this....oh well.

I don't think you are being ungrateful at all and it is very normal what you are feeling. Having a baby changes a lot of things and there are a whole world of emotions that you can experience. I went through what you are going through when I have had all my kids. Before the birth of each one I have started to feel sad about my family changing although felt very excited about our new baby. I think it sounds perfectly normal what you are feeling and what you are anxious about is the unknown. If you are like me, it will be fine once you are actually in the situation because you can just deal with it and make everything work including your relationship with your DH - it's just the anticipation of it that makes it a bit daunting.

Good luck with your upcoming labour and birth. Enjoy your last few days with your DH as just a couple - try to use this time to do some special things together. You will have time with your DH again, babies don't stay little for very long.

It's totally normal!! I was the same. I cried that I would never have time with DH 'just us' to just talk and be together. But it turns out it's not so bad. You can't imagine it yet but the baby sort of becomes part of the 'us' and you want to spend all your time with all 3 of you :D
You still get some alone time with DH when baby is in bed at night too.

Thanks Justme and Heaven..I don't feel like such a monster now!! I do want my little baby and I love imagining our life as three and our future but change is bound to cause a little anxiety!

Also I was thinking that it could also be a hangover from LTTC. One of the buffers you put up while LTTC is telling yourself constantly that in the event of there never being a baby that it is OK because you have each other and you can live with that. That is something DH and I said to each other constantly through the seven years of trying. I guess it is a hard to deprogram that!

not ungrateful at all hun its perfectly normal having a baby is a big life change! What DH and I have done since having children (well we were always with children as DD1 isnt biologically his) is every week we have a "date night" once the kids are in bed we put aside all work, forget about the housework and do things just us. Rent a few movies, have some candles going and just have "us" time. We try and mix it up so its not always just movies but its time for us to just be a couple without worrying about the kids or cleaning or work, i think IMHO it makes a real difference. Good luck with the birth of your baby

What you are feeling is perfectly normal - LTTTC or not :) I guess my piece of advice is to keep talking to DH about how you are feeling. Also, pls try and not feel guilty about how you feel because of the journey you have been through. I have just had a few months of battling PND, and feeling very guilty because I had negative thoughts about my baby, and being a mum. I keep thinking that I should not have been having these thoughts because our DS was IVF and we had gone through so much to have him. This placed extra stress on me and my mental state and was not helpful. I am now trying to learn that irrispective of how your baby is concieved it is natural/possible to experiece the same emotions as those who concive with less assistance etc. I guess the best advice is if you have any doubts or are worried, try getting in touch with someone to talk through how you are feeling!

Also, having your Dad come to stay with you is a additional stress at what is a stressful (and exciting) time - dont discount the extra pressure it will cause and maybe plan to have some time out with your DH so that you too have some 'you' time away from your Dad.

Best wishes for the rest of the pg and for the birth of your little one!
FG

I was exactly the same, i remember actually feeling quite peed off, like when you have a house guest who over stays thier welcome and you just want them to leave so you can have you house and your DH back to your self!!! In my last few weeks of pregnancy i felt like that some days, but it hasnt been like that atall, We make a great family and we still have some moments to our selves, And its not like i thought it would be, the LOs dont detract from your relationship, they enrich it!
I feel the same now when i think about having another one day, like it would just get in the way of my beautiful family and the 3 of US, but i know it wouldnt be like that!!!
Dont give your self a hard time. Hugs to you

Hi,

I am not a lttter but I couldn't read this post and not comment.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all about the way you are feeling, it is normal, especially when you have been together for so long as a couple. Having a baby is a huge huge changer and yes the honest truth is that it does impact your relationship a lot but as you said yours is strong and will be able to handle it and the impact isn't neccessarily a negative one. It creates challenges such as less time to the 2 of you, stress, adjusting to being a mum and dad not just bob and jane anymore but I also remember when ds1 was born it was like falling in love with my dh all over again, I just felt so in love and amazed by this beautiful baby we had created.

Having a baby, specially your first is huge and everyone is going to have anxieties about the things to come, it is normal and natural. As far as you fil coming is there anyway he could stay somewhere else? or is this something your are comfortable with? Are you comfortable with him there when you go into labour and with him being there when you bring home a baby, it can be a very emotional time bringing home a new baby and I really really strongly believe you need to have ppl there you are really comfortable with.

Wishing you the best for your labour and birth :hug:

Poppyfairy - I feel EXACTLY the same as you do hun and so does my DH!
Actually DH and I talk about this a lot. We totally realise that after 11 years just the two of us (5.5 of those TTC), things are going to be soooooooo very different.

Have you chatted to your DH about this? I can tell you that he will be feeling much the same as you babes.

You're not being ungrateful at all, if anything you are being very self aware. It's good that you are realising that things will be different and not in denial that everything is going to stay the same.

Huge hugs and thank you for a post that is so honest and thought provoking.
Sue xxx

Oh Poppy hun, wish you'd said something earlier! :hug:

Of course it's normal to feel this way, your life is undergoing a huge change! (Oh and good on your Dad for finally leaving the wicked witch!)

And just think, after a few motnhs when everyone is settled in maybe your Dad can take the little one for a walk or something so you & DH can have little snippets of time together, and yes I was also going to mention not to forget date nights!

Also for you (and anyone else out there feeling the same) I have been recommended a fantastic book to read, it's called "Your Marriage Can Survive a Newborn" and it's by Glenn & Natalie Williams (Broadman & holman Publishers, ISBN 978-0-8054-4060-7) I'm still reading it but so far - brilliant!

Good luck and I hope all goes well with your delivery!

Poppy - I can't offer any wonderful advice sorry as i'm still in the early stages of pregnancy number one, but I can tell you that i've had the same thoughts and you're defnitely not alone, and I think it's a very normal reaction to having a baby! And with all the family stress you've had over the last few months, well I can imagine it would be very easy to feel overwhelmed by everything. Sounds like you're doing a marvellous job - wishing all the very best :hug: