Lost, lonely and really angry!

I had a beautiful baby girl 9 weeks ago and love her to death but i've been single since half way through my pregnancy and I still hold so much anger towards me ex. i don't know how to let it go. He left us, then had multiple partners, came back only when our daughter was two weeks old, then his sister put her nose in with some outrageous lies to him, he then left us again after only about two weeks, and now he's ignoring me again. I want so badly to hate him but I can't, we have a daughter together. I guess i'm angry and jealous that he's been able to go out and live the bachelor life while I take care of the choice we made. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter more than life itself, i'm just hurt and lonely. It doest seem fair that men can just walk away when they feel like it. Apparently he has a new girlfriend again and while he's spending money on her he hasnt contributed to or bought anythign for his daughter, not even a xmas present. Even his family are ignoring me yet they go around town telling everyone they want so badly to meet their grand daughter. I've emailed them so many times to catch up that i've just given up being ignored.
How do you get through the lonely times and how do I get over being angry at him? I don't want all this animosity around our daughter and i'm breastfeeding so I don't want her to pick up on my sadness. :-(

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer a :hug:

Hi,
First off congratulations on the birth of your daughter. My XP sounds exactly the same as your except I left him when DD1 was a year old I couldnt handle his drugs, criminal activity or physical and mental abuse anymore. It was very hard to adjust to he saw her every 2nd weekend for about 6-9 months after our seperation then just became uninterested which honestly was fine by me his lifestyle choices were not something i wanted my daughter around then 18 months ago i got a sms from his sister saying "Michael doesnt need or want claire in his life now he has 2 other daughters" this hurt me terribly although it was what i wanted the wording doesnt need or want my daughters not an unwanted gift shes a human being. Anyway back to you got side tracked sorry! Have you thought about setting up a meeting with a solicitor and getting mediation done so that visitations ect with him and his family can be legally worked out? Also with him giving money to his new gf have you contacted CSA because he has to give you money to help support your little one, if hes unwilling to hand over the money himself child support can deduct it from his wage or centrelink pay before he even gets it thats the way i have to do it.
Best of luck.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must have been very emotionally draining having him come back only to have him leave again. I agree with Mrss re: gettign child support organised, he is responsible to help out with his dd financially and I agree it is very sad to have parents shirk their responsibilities to their children.

I think what is important to remember is that isn't a life sentence, you won't always be a single mum and feel like this, if you look at mrss signature she has obviously found someone new and had another little girl. Also though I think it is even more important to be ok on your own and to not not need a partner but more want one.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, this is a wonderful supportive forum and I am sure you will find many other mums, some single and having had similar experiences as you, that can chat about motherhood and life. You are on the most wonderful and amazing journey xo

awww hun, :hug:
Congrulations on ur beautiful baby girl hun!!
i could have written your post hun when my dd was ur dd's age(especially about the anger), because we were in the same/similar circumstances to you, xp left me when i was 7 weeks pregnant(after a couple of years together) because i wouldnt abort and he moved away but came back wen she was born when he pleased.. up untill recently i have been living with a whole lot of anger too which stemed from all the hurt. the last 9 months have been hard but i have been working at the anger and trying to heal and forgive atm because it wasnt healthy for me or dd. Anger only eats at you and makes you verry bitter id really suggest seeing a couneslor and trying to heal hun it takes time but better to deal with it. im at stage where i have accepted the way things are im not saying its not hard but ive tried to deal with the anger and own it, i dont understand how they do it to there kids you can't keep thinking about it because you will never know what goes on in their heads all you can do is be happy and healthy and be the best mum you can be for your beautiful daughter which i can see you are :) We are all here on bb to support i dont know what i would have done without the support i have recieved on here :hug: im thinking of you i know how hard is is but try and focus on your beautiful girl and the joy she is bringing if u ever need someone to chat to i could give you my msn or email etc xxx

Ohh hun i forgot to add have you put him on the birth certificate?? like the girls have said definently get in contact with the child support agency !
i know it may seem hopless now and just so unfair and hard but remember after the storm passes the sun will come out :) your dd is so lucky to have such a strong beautiful mum like you xx

Thank you everyone. Your support is invaluable. .
Mrs S – That must have been terrible to hear that from his sister. My ex’s sister is the one who broke us up again the second time with her lies and search for drama. We were doing couple counselling through Relationships Aust and that’s who I organised mediation through. I initiate mediation because I hadn’t heard from him at all. We haven’t had our mediation meeting though as they’re really busy. I didn’t think we’d need it when he came back. I haven’t contacted CSA as yet because he came back into our lives. I’ve got til the end of the month to do so but I’m in two minds about it because he’s not on the birth certificate. I couldn’t find him to get him to sign the paperwork for the cert so I wrote them a letter to say who he was and why he couldn’t sign so they didn’t put him on. At least I can get her a passport now without his signature. I’m kind of hoping he wants nothing to do with her and then I wouldn’t bother with CSA, I’d just work it out myself. He’s too busy with the drugs right now also and I don’t want her around that. Sometimes I think it’d be easier without him all together. I know children need their fathers but they need responsible ones who love them, not ignore them just to go out and get laid. I’m led to believe he’s moved away from where we live anyway so I don’t know what to do. I’m so happy that you’ve found happiness though. How long did it take you? I’m only 30 so I’m not too concerned about finding someone, I just miss having someone to share all the exciting new things my dd does each day and someone to hold the camera and take photos’ of us or video things. I need a “rent a hubby”, lol.
Butterfly Child – I love your quote at the end of your emails, I’ve included it in my diary and think I’ll print it and laminate it for next to my bed as a kind of affirmation. It sounds like you’re a very strong person to go it alone too. My pregnancy was so difficult and it was made worse because I’m still living in the house we own, he pays the mortgage as a way to clear his conscience about not seeing his daughter and another way to control us. I can’t sell without his signatures and I can’t move out as my money is tied up in the house. I’m seeking legal advice. So, he controls me and he knows it. During my pregnancy I just had so many people come up to me to tell me about the women he’s with and it broke me every time. My DD stopped growing for three weeks and I had multiple visits to the hospital. I guess this is another reason I’m so angry at him, for endangering our unborn child and myself and robbing me of what was supposed to be the most precious moment in my life. I went through a time of hating myself for not being stronger for my unborn baby but emotionally I was a wreck. My NY resolution this year though is to “try not to sweat the small things, and look at the bigger picture”. Anytime I’m down I just have to look at my DD and she makes everything worth while. I just hope I can get out of this house soon and really start my life again. If you’d like to chat sometime my MSN is sunny_79@live.com.au xx

I think you should put him down with csa because you have told births deaths and marriages you know who he is and with centrelink if you know who the father is but don't try to claim child support they majorly reduce your payments.

It won't force anything to happen as far as custody goes. your ex would have to go through the court to get custody so there is no real down side I can see for you.

Also as far as your house goes you can actually go through court and they can force him to sell. I would definitely definitely see a lawyer about this contact legal aid. My dad was abusive and when mum moved out he lived in the house for several years and wouldn't sell it, he eventually agree to sell it after someone put a letter in the mailbox to offer to buy it, mum had seen a lawyer to find out what she could do (he didn't know about that) he was paying the mortgage at the time and even though he wasliving there and wouldn't sell legally he could have tried to get money back off her for the rent once the house sold and there were other downfalls, so I would really get onto that also you would be entitled to a higher percentage of the money from the house due to you caring for your dd.

You're right, he is robbing you of a special time in your life

but if he's going to live life like that, i think he's done you a favour by leaving

but coming back and going again - that's just messing you about - that's so not fair

i hope the mediation (visitation stuff) and legal advice (re the house) make some things clearer for you.

it IS very muddy water, once you have a child with someone. it's the only r'ship breakup you CAN"T 100% turn your back on (for the sake of the child).

best of luck to you

grab EVERY opportunity, at mother's group, playgroup, child nurse visits etc, to take out your camera and say "would you mind taking a happy snap of us please?" - who woulnd't love to photograph a cute bub and their loving mummy? i would happily do that for a single mum (well i'd do it for anyone, but you get the drift).

so keep your camera in the nappy bag and dont' be shy to ask strangers even. You might get some dud shots but the more you get taken, the highter the chance of a good one. (i take lots, am estatic if ONE turns out well LOL).

you're a new mum, madly in love with your bub, extremely biased (as every mum is!), so of course you want photos. You're the reason your bub is here, so you deserve some photos together. Especially after having a hard pregnancy, if you want photos, get photos. Sometimes, having a baby, gives you the omph, to do things you ordinarily wouldn't do, i have found i am a bit braver than usual, if it's something to do with my child. I want to do it FOR HER. Even if i would never get up the courage to do the same thign, just for me.

wishing you well petal, keep posting, you need all the support you can get - i know words are only MORAL support, but it's something to keep you positive.

hugs

Hi Jas
Thank you for the advice on CSA. I hadn’t even thought about them reducing my payments. I’ll go and see CSA this week sometime. I would just rather he had nothing to do with her. Regarding the house, I’m trying to get legal aid but they’ve rejected my application twice just because I own a car worth $25K. They tell me to sell it first and then they’ll consider it. So, lawyers are out for now until I hear back from Legal Aid, I’ve applied again. Meditation is where I’d like to sort things out but it’s up to my ex on that one. I too think he might take me to task over him paying the mortgage but at the moment that’s his child maintenance. I’ve sent text messages on numerous occasions asking to pay half the mortgage and also to work out selling the house so I’ll use those too if he goes down that avenue.
Hi GiGi- I have a feeling that he’s going to come back in to my life again, as soon as he’s finished being a bachelor. This is what I’m struggling with right now because I don’t know that I’m strong enough to say no to him this time. I really wanted our family and we were supposed to be getting married in May. I’m not sure how I’ll react if he does want us back. My friends all tell me to forget him but as you would know, you just can’t do that when you both have a child together. My friends are all single or married of course. As for the photo’s – at least I have my family here and they’re great, I guess it’s just those times at home when you’re alone and she does something gorgeous but you don’t have time, or when she’s asleep on your shoulder and you just wish you had a photo of it. It’s not the end of the world though and I’ll have those memories in my head and heart forever. Great idea about the playgroups though and taking the camera. I usually have it on me everywhere I go. I haven’t joined any mothers/play groups yet as I was a bit embarrassed about having to use nipple shields whilst breast feeding and it can get a bit messy. I’m getting better at it though and I understand the other mothers are understanding, it’s just awkward. I’m hoping to one day get her off them and slowly we’re making progress but I have flat nipples so it’s a bit hard.

oh hun im sorry
i really dont know what to say except just keep putting one foot infront of the other.
my ex left when i was pregnant
been almost 2 years
and i still miss him
he is seeing someone who he doesn't love
and it burns me inside..i hate her for being with him.. cause he should be with me and our daughter.
and i hate the fact that he can go out and do whatever he wants.. whenever he wants it
and i cant even pee alone without a crying toddler bashing on the door.
i feel alone too
and i wish i knew how to stop thinking about him, how to stop feeling angry at him
please dont let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong
it takes as long as it takes for you to heal
i dont know what to say really.. no great advice
just i know how you feel and its ok to feel how you feel
and even though we are hurt , angry, resentful.. reality is we are probably alot better off on our own
and they are the ones who are missing out big time
this time they are missing with their kids they cant ever get back
which is something we have and will treasure forever
and something i really believe they will truly regret one day
but i know its hard to sometimes see that
hang in there hun
it does get easier
if you ever need someone to listen i am here for you
take care hun xxx

Well, my ex has just made my life even harder by getting his lawyers to send me a letter for settlement on our house. He's given me an offer which is $25K under what I have invested in this house and a month to move out. I can't believe he's being so stupid and paying lawyers rediculous money just to get the house. There is no way i'm letting him buy me out, I want the house sold. I know i'm entitled to more of the profit as I'm the sole carer for our child. The worst thing is, he's fighting for his house but not his daughter, that's so sad. I was told last night by a friend of his that apparently he thinks our daughter was the biggest mistake of his life and he wants nothing to do with her. If that's the case i'd love it if there was someway I could get him to sign her over to me for good and that he would then have nothing to do with her at all, ever. I'm not sure if I could afford to bring her up on my own though so I don't know which avenue would be best. I'm sure i'd find a way though and it would be better then having her around him or his family. Now i'm going to have to get legal help to fight this battle. I was hoping we could do it through mediation as it wouldn't cost anything but i'm not giving up on this one. I'm so angry again and angry at myself for choosing this man (if you could call him that) to be the father of my daughter. I know without him I wouldn't have her but I feel sad for her and what might come of all this. Grrrrrr!!!!!

hmmm as for signing his rights away
I'm not sure if this is accurate at all
i should probably check it out further for myself but anyway
i was told that
because my daughters 'sperm donor'
left before she was born
has said many times he does not want her or anything to do with her
and because he is not listed on her birth cert and does not pay child support.
it means that he legally has no rights to her anyway.
i dont need his signature on any legal document
the only way he could have a say in her life is
to go to court
which i dont see them doing.. as a judge will ask them where the hell they have been for x amount of time.. they will be ordered to pay x amount of child support and quite likely back payment child support...which is something they both seem to really not want to have to do.
signing away his paternal rights might come back to bite you.. so i am told
one day you might want him to pay for something to do with her
school fees.. medical.. child support ect and if he has signed away his paternal rights
you cant get any kind of money from him.
i was also told that it could affect inheritence for her if he was to pass away.
i dunno if that is true or not
but it was what i was told.. so i thought i would pass it on
I know that you are angry, ****ed off and hurt
i completely understand that
our ex's sound very similar
and still after 2 years i could beat the crap out of ex and probably enjoy it
just please hang in there hun
i dont understand why they behave like this
why they seem to just go out of their way to be an a$$hole.
you are really better off without him
and i hope that when all of this is over you and your baby can have a peaceful happy life together.
cause you and your bub deserve to have a happy and peaceful life.

so let me get this right
you are saying
even though
my daughter's father left before she was born
has never ever acknowleged her..told all of his family to have nothing to do with her
which they have done.
has never paid a cent for her
and i dont think he even knows her name or date of birth
he could come waltzing into the picture in a year or 5 years from now
and say 'i want to be a part of my kids life
even though to my child i am a total and utter stranger'
and the court will more than likely allow it?
and force this child to spend time with someone who is a complete stranger to them..
who never sent a birthday card,, never a phone call
and who has never even laid eyes on his own kid
that just does not seem right

Make sure you get decent independent legal advice as soon as possible.

As your name is on the title, they can't make you move out of the house without a Court order, which generally takes months and months.

Good luck.

It's rediculous isn't it, the way the courts are now? I am totally for separated fathers to be a part of their childs life, on the grounds that they are capable of being a good father and that they want to, not just to have a token child to show off when it suits them.. I have a few male friends not able to see their children and it kills them, and they are great fathers. It's not fair on the children, they get so many mixed messages. In a way, i'm gald thigns have happened while our daughter is so young becuase perhaps things will be worked out before we do any damage to her. I just want her to be safe and a father who does drugs, got arrested for domestic violence, sleeps with backpackers every week and has no interest in his daughter is not a good father. I have bent over backwards to allow him in her life, I even got the police to remove the DV order (silly on my part I see now) but he's gone too far this time. Trying to kick us out of our home, how can you do that to your child! Sorry, ranting a bit. I'm going to get legal advice this week or early next week and will let you now what comes of that. There are way too many grey areas in these situations.
This time i'm not backing down and i'll try to as strong as I can. I know things will get easier, it's just been 10 months of hell and while he's out there having the time of his life I struggle to get through. My DD is an angel though, I couldn't have asked for a more placid and happy baby with no problems at all. She's amazing!