18 Month Old Tantrums HELP!! Sorry long!

Hi,

I need help urgently please! My 18 month old DD has begun tantrums for a few weeks now but they have developed and have got to a point where I'm not sure what I'm doing is actually doing anything so is making me doubt myself?? DP is usuallly at work when she 'does her thing' so he only saw one on the week-end for his first time. He reacted by yelling back which of course made her worse so I had to shut the bathroom door and hold her and as calmly as I could (my patience was VERY thin by this point) talk her down, mind you she had worked herself right up (can't even remember why now??) to that 'dry throat' cry to the point where she threw up a bit!

She is a very smart DD, she had reflux till she was 7-8 months and it's like she remembers how to throw up and our reactions that we'll do anything to stop her being sick so I'm worried that she'll now just work herself up all the time and be sick....which is more stress for me seeing it and cleaning it up.

I try to remain calm, ask her to calm down and show me or try and tell me what's wrong getting down to her level.....but it's not working as it does on 'the nanny' :redface: DD has picked up on me saying no and pointing my finger so she screams no no no pointing her finger at me. Sometimes she gets so bad that she can't be calmed down and when I try to get down at her level and 'reason' (reason with a toddler???) with her she cracks it even more as if to say 'I don't want to talk to you, don't want to see you' she walks off to another wall or corner turns her back screaming hits the wall/cupboard with open palms!! But when it's over she's back to 'normal'???? :wall:

I did not 'want' a child that made an arse of me in front of friends etc and she did last night, she's a mummy's gal and wouldn't even go with DP so I could eat....wanted to drag me around the yard to see the dog/cat etc and when I wouldn't go, explaining I wanted to eat the crying & tears would start and I was embarrassed! I know she's at that age and I can't 'stop' it but I don't know what to do if I keep doing what I'm doing or if I start putting her in a 'naughty' room or something else?? I figure most of it is because she can't communicate but then I wonder....... I have ordered into the library 'the science of parenting' as recommended in another thread a while ago to someone else but what if it's all over before I read it??? Please help with suggestions on how you've dealt with this 'wonderful' age!! Thanks and sorry again for being long

Hi Softy,

I don't have a toddler (yet) so my suggestions may be useless

1) Don't worry too much about the vomiting - unless it's really repetitive and large amounts, often, it won't really do her much harm. I understand it's distressing for you, and work to clean up, but try not to let her know that it's distressing you a lot. Just clean it up calmly and quitely.

2) Try and find a technique and stick with it for a week to see if it has any effects - it might get worse before it gets better. Have you tried time out? Or maybe a safe "tantrum spot" eg - a corner with pillows and a blanket, and when she starts to tantrum you can say something like "It's okay to be angry/upset, but this is the spot that you do that in/the spot you're allowed to have a tantrum in. Let mummy know when you want to talk about why you are sad/angry. Try two minutes (max) there and then try hugging her and talking to her.

I'm sure others that have dealt/are currently dealing with this will be more helpful then me. Hope I helped and the above makes sense.

Dollyroux

I'm going through the same with my 18mth old DD, I hear you on being embarrasing when you're out, we just had one at the doctors, anyway....

When we're at home I put her somewhere safe like on carpet because she bangs her head on the floorboards, then I walk away. When she calms down she'll come back to me and I'll give her a cuddle and forgive and forget. Ignoring it works best for us, she will usually put her head up and notice no one is paying attention then she'll give up. I don't even try reasoning with her because I know she's not there yet. Good luck there's no easy answer, you just need to find a way to manage it the best you can!

BTDT.

There are two types of tantrums - upset and controlling. If your bub is genuinely upset, an offer of a cuddle will calm them down. If they are tantruming because they aren't getting their own way, they won't accept the offer of a cuddle and will continue to tantrum.

Always offer comfort if they need it, but if it is a controlling tantrum the best method is to ignore. Place them somewhere safe and then ignore it. Offer an 'out' every couple of minutes eg offer a food/activity/cuddle/nap because once they get going it can be hard to turn it off without help. Try not to yell, although I know it is very frustrating and embarrassing when it happens in front of others. I have left DS's activities in tears a few times because of his tantrums. His record was a full hour.

DS is now almost 2.5 and he is finally giving them up. They are now reserved for when he is really tired.

:hug:

I think that is great advice Artechim, and is exactly what I would do and would suggest. Try to distinguish what is behind the tantrum and try to remain calm in the face of it (I know, easier said than done!)

In public tantrums can take on a whole different level as your little one can pick up on your extra stress. I think you are doing the right thing to clearly explain to your DD that you need to eat/drink etc and can't come right now to be dragged around the garden but will in a bit (maybe use a time frame a toddler can understand such as when mummy has finished eating from her plate rather than in 5 mins - something a toddler will have trouble grasping) I try to remain really flexible and do what ever my child wants or needs, but when I have a need I make that clear too. I feel that this is teaching my DD that we all deserve respect in our needs and desires. It may mean the natural reaction is frustration and a tantrum but in time the message will stick and she will see that you always follow through on your promises.

I also leave DD to get the frustration out of her system when at home and just offer regular 'outs' if she needs them, eventually the distraction technique works ;). I also tell her, "you seem to be feeling angry, that's ok, we all get angry sometimes but Mummy is just over here". In public, if I see a tantrum coming on, I try to nip it in the bud and I generally scoop DD up and remove her from the situation straight away and have a little chat about being calm or listening etc, I find that the change of location and the removal of the stimulating situation can break the tension cycle. I say we can go back to play/shop/etc or go home if you keep up the 'unwanted behaviou' and I am willing to follow through on that option. This way my DD knows I am real and generally chooses to go back calmly. My mother did this with me and I remember knowing that I couldn't mess with her! She did say that on more than one occasion she had to leave a half full trolley at the supermarket... It is tough but the lessons are learnt quickly when you reasonable, firm and consistent with toddlers and it makes life easier in the long run.

One other thing to consider is diet, some children are sensitive in a small way to food additives etc which can really exacerbate irritable behaviour. Check out 'fed up"in google. It may make a small difference which can make the world of difference to your sanity!

Hi - I am going through the same things with my DS. I am no expert and am just learning by trial and error. It isn't easy and I find it embarrassing at times too (part of that is that we have decided not to use smacking as a behaviour management strategy but my family and friends think that would solve all our problems, anyway ...).

I agree with Art, ignoring and distracting are the most effective strategies for dealing with most tantrums. I also agree that there is a lot of power in explaining to a toddler that you just need to do something and you need them to calmly wait. I was surprised that this would sometimes stop my DD1's tantrums about sitting in the pram - Mummy really needs you to sit quietly in the pram because it is too busy for you to walk in the shops today. She would sometimes calm right down and sit happily. There are times though, where it doesn't work.

My DS gets really angry when he doesn't get his own way and bangs his head around and throws himself on the floor - not fun. We just grab his hand and say 'walk it off' and keep him walking until he is calm. It usually only takes a few seconds. Ignoring him wasn't working (though it worked fine with my DD) because he hits us and DD as well as hurting himself if we just let him go for it.

The other thing that has been working for DS is giving him 'cool down'. He has a lounge chair is his room that he really likes. If he gets really worked up, I ask him if he needs some time to cool down. He is usually too worked up to answer so I just say 'you sound like you might need some cool down time' and take him to his green chair. He has books and other things there. Sometimes putting him in his chair and closing the door slightly also calms him down very quickly.

Both my kids tend to throw food, plates and their cups during tantrums if they happened at dinner time. DD is past it now but when she was about 18 months. We always put them in a high chair for meals when they were going through this stage. If they threw things off their high chair because they were unhappy about something, we would pick it up without saying anything to them, put it on the table (out of their reach) and continue eating our meal. They had to ask for it back nicely (in an age appropriate way) when they were ready for it. If we gave it back to them too early it just got thrown again. There is something about having to be calm enough to communicate that they would like it back that means they didn't throw it again (at least until the next tantrum). We prompt their asking a bit by asking them if they would like it back now and they have to answer in a calm way (DS is a bit too little to ask just yet, though he does communicate by pointing).

We do a lot of meal practice at home without visitors so that when we are around people they should be used to what we expect of their behaviour (that's the theory anyway, but it has taken a long time for DD to learn and we had a few embarrassing moments along the way). Our expectations at meal times is that our kids will eat at the table with us. When they are finished, they have to ask to leave the table and we usually make them wait until everyone else is finished eating. DD is doing this now, but we are in the process of teaching DS. I think it is important to know what behaviours you expect from your kids and plan how you want to work toward them. That way the things that happen around these times can be very purposeful and you know when there is behaviour going on that is not acceptable. Kids also get used to routine and tantrums become less and less if they know what is happening.

We eat dinner each night at the table all together. DS is still in a high chair. When he finishes eating he usually let's us know by standing up in his high chair. We sit him back down and point out that Mummy, Daddy and DD1 are still eating. At the moment, we only make him wait a couple of mins and let him out before we are all finished, but praise him for waiting nicely. If he screams while he is waiting, we remind him that he needs to be calm. If he stands up and jumps around we strap him into the high chair. He is reasonably safe there under supervision so we ignore him and go on eating. As he gets older, we will increase the time we ask him to wait. At the moment, we are just trying to give him opportunity to have success so that we can give some praise for his positive behaviour.

I think that they grow out of it eventually and your DD is very normal. It is embarrassing and I think everyone feels a bit out of their depth in that situation. I think where possible try to set her some small and accomplishable goals where she is most likely to have success (like sitting at the dinner table for one minute after she is done eating) and that way you get to give her some praise for her behaviour. She will learn that she does get praise if she does the right thing (though it can take a while for them to figure out). You can work out small achievable goals for lots of different times when her tantrums happen.

It is also important to take care of yourself. Sometimes when my kids have had tantrums and I feel like I am going to blow my stack, I tell them that 'Mummy needs some cool down time' and I take them and very calmly put them in their cot (cots are safe places too) and say that I will be back to check on them in a few mins. If they are screaming, I still just say all that in a very calm voice. I close the door slightly (not all the way) and go and make myself a cup of tea or call DH and have a vent. It is better than staying and getting angry. It gives me a chance to get my head back in a place where I can make good parenting choices that I am happy with. I also think that if my kids throw tantrums, sometimes the consequences of their actions mean that I need cool down time too. It can be really hard on you to deal with it all the time and it is okay to give yourself a chance to cool down before dealing with it further.

Also preparing kids for what is going to happen can be a great management strategy. My DD1 likes to walk when we go to the shops but sometimes it is just not possible. I prepare her before we get out the car and she even sees a pram or a trolley. "Mummy has lots to do and it is too busy for you to walk. Today you need to sit in the pram." There have been a few instances where I have sat in the car with her in her carseat for a few mins until she is prepared to sit in the pram. Eventually she gets her head around the idea and gets out of the car and happily goes into her pram.

There is no magic fix for this age ... just time and patience really. Also know that there are other mums out there who know exactly what you are going through and you are not alone. It is hard work. Good luck. I hope you find some strategies that work for you.

Some good advice here :) And I think what you describe in your first para, holding and talking her down, sounds like your instincts are spot on. It's tough, but I'm sure you'll get through this.

Like jackrose suggests, try to get into her head and mirror back her feelings with words. It really does help. She is no doubt frustrated by not being able to tell you what she wants to.
Have you heard of baby sign. It's awesome for helping pre-verbal toddlers to communicate. You could check out your local library and see if they have a picture dictionary you could try. At this age she can learn signs very quickly if you model them for her consistently so she gets the idea. Even just a few signs could really reduce her frustration.

If, for example, she wants lots of mummy time, then try taking some time out for quality mum & bub time. Sometimes the whinging comes when we've been too busy rushing around doing everything else to really spend good time with our kids, know what I mean? I know when DS is like that, if I just sit with him and read a book together for a few minutes, then he's good to go and play by himself for a while again. But if I put him off and try to force him to go on his own again, he just whinges more and more and then the trouble starts...

All the best~~

great point marcellus, I had forgotten about baby sign! DD has stopped using it now as she is very verbal but at the 18 month mark it was wonderful! There were a number of occassions she was able to let us know what she wanted and averted a frustrated tantrum.

I started teaching it to DD at about 12 months and she picked it up very very quickly. It was amazing and heaps of fun too! DD loved it so much she even began to make up her own signs for things! I really believe it helped to lessen the frustration before she could communicate herself clearly to us with words.

Plus, Just Me makes an excellent point that not all children respond to the same solutions - even in the one family. You do have some excellent advice here, and I hope something can help you out, I hope you can find the thing that works for you and your DD

No advice sorry but I need some as DS also 18 months is the tanty throwing king :redface: so will stalk this thread..

Thanks so much for your replies everyone, it really helps to know what others are doing. I think I need to try a bit harder to keep calm myself! :pray:

I will 'try' not to let the vomiting get to me:pray: I like the idea of telling her that mummy needs some cool down time when it gets really bad! Most of her tanties are controlling to get what she wants and most of the time distraction does work. I thought I was explaining myself but obviously not thoughoughly enough?? Will have to try to do even more explaining I think....in toddler terms as mentioned so not saying in a minute but when I've done such n such. I do do that when bribing jer to do something ie eat this last bit & we'll go outside but I feel now that I've failed to explain myself like that when talking to her about other things, ie, when mummy finishes dinner we'll go outside.....I've been saying 'in a minute'...now feel bad :( Also like the advice of telling her beforehand what I'd like her to do or what I'd expect, sit in the pram etc....will try to be way more tolerant, calm, and explain things heaps better! I don't want to go down the smacking path either but can see DP is heading that way as he thinks it'll work?? If I can try to make it easier maybe we can avoid the smacking??? Thanks again for all the advice and good luck to all of you with your toddlers!! :)

Don't feel bad - we are all just learning and just like our kids, we make mistakes. It is also important to remember that we do a lot of good things for our kids as well. One of the most beautiful things about toddlers is their ability to love us despite all our imperfections ... they are very forgiving and very trusting.

I think you are doing a great job from what you have written. Dealing with tantrums is tough and all parents have moments that they are not so proud of, but it is all part of us learning too.

I hope some of those strategies work for you. They aren't quick fixes but they will make a difference in the long run. Good luck!

We're at a similar age and stage too, and its the public tantrums that I find hard - especially when you get dirty looks from people, and alot of the times, its oler women, who for the most part, would have had kids doing the same thing in the past :angry:

DD's tantrums also tend to be when she doesn't get her own way or its time to stop whatever we were doing, so for example, we were outside earlier and I was pushing her up and down on her trike, but needed to go in for the toilet (damn pg bladder :lol:), so I told her that it would be her last lap of the garden and then we were going to go in for a drink and a wee, but when I came to undo her and help her down, she cracked it so I just carried her inside under my arm and left her to while i went to the toilet. she calmed down quickly enough this time luckily!

But I'm not sure I hndle them the best in public - we went to Ikea, and DD was happily walking along - we got to the bed section and she wanted to pat each bed with her hand - she realised that we had missed a few beds and she wanted to go back, but I said that we needed to keep walking the way we were going because thats the way the arrows were pointed and that there was more to play with round the corner - she didn't like that so out came the tantrum - I scooped her up and carried her till she calmed down - getting some looks on the way. But we then had another tantrum when it was the last turn on the slide, or with the train track they have set up in the kids section - there are some things that she would just go on and on and on palying with, so I have to drag her away. Again, with this I give her a warning that it was the last slide or the last minute of playing with the trains, and then its time to go. But we still always end up having a tantrum and I have to carry her off kicking and screaming. Is there a better way of dealing with this in public? I don't want to give in to her, and like I said, I think if I gave her the chance, we'd still be there at closing time!

Sorry for hijacking!

Tantrums in public are awful and I don't think there is any perfect way of dealing with them. I usually try distraction (ignoring is not always possible in public because I don't think it is safe to walk away from my child - if they are in the pram, strapped in and safe then I do ignore for a little bit and just keep shopping) because there are lots of things to look at and distraction can be easier in public (sometimes). If distracting fails and they persist, I remind them that they need to stay calm and use their words if they want something. Sometimes this works. If tantrums persist, I pick them up and take them out.

I usually take my double pram into shops with me although DD does walk. If she cracks up or refuses to co-operate, I put her in the pram and tell her when she is calm we can talk about it and she can come out. If she goes into the pram a second time, she stays in there for the rest of the shopping trip. She can still be screaming for a bit, but I have been doing this with prams and trolleys since she was small and find that it didn't take long for the length of her tantruming to decrease if I just ignored her. Within a few weeks of starting it, her tantrums and screaming were lasting less than 30 secs.

DS is a different kid and has tantrums about different things when we are out. Usually because I take him away from something while he is looking at it. I do what you did and warn him that we have to keep moving so finish having a look. I then get him to say goodbye to whatever we are looking at. Sometimes he flatly refuses and I say goodbye for him "Bye trains ... see you next time" and keep my tone light but definite.

There is a lot that you can teach your kids by your tone - if you tone goes upwards at the end of a sentence 'Time to go' - it sounds like a question. If your tone goes down it sounds like a statement. Try it outloud. If you are accidentally sending messages in your tone like you are asking a question, your toddler interprets it as a choice. If you say it more like a statement it sound more definitive and I find they are more likely to follow even if they don't want to.

Other strategies are with your instructions saying 'thanks' or 'thank-you' at the end rather than 'please'. Please can also sound like a question though there is something about being thanked in anticipation where we sub-consciously feel that we should do what has been said.

If you are leaving something like the trains and she doesn't want to go, you could also try asking a question about what you are doing next as a distraction. Questions get them thinking. I usually say 'Do you know where we are going now?' or 'Mummy needs to find ... can you help me? Can you see ... anywhere? Hmm ...' I find this kind of dialouge really useful in distracting them. Having a conversation with myself until they are engaged can be really useful.

I know totally what you mean about people looking at you when your kids throw tantrums. It is not nice, but I try not to let them get to me. I find it very amusing that if my DH takes our kids out and they throw tantrums, he get lots and lots of sympathy and understanding from people, where I get comments and rude remarks because I am not controlling my kids. Apparently when men take kids out by themselves, they are really overexerting themselves and people are very obliging, when women do it, we are just fulfilling our obligations. It is a big generalisation to say that, and it is not true of everyone, but I think that a large part of our society think like that on some level (even if it is subconciously).

I hope your DD's tantrums settle down soon - it would make going out a lot less stressful.