What to do? Breastfeeding, TTC and Cosleeping questions!

I am not sure where to post this, because it is a complicated issue, but I love the advice on this Gentle Parenting forum, so I might start here (mods feel free to move).

DD is almost 13 months, and is a cosleeping boobie baby. This means I am (happily) feeding her on demand, which can be anywhere from 6 to 10 times in 24 hours.

The problem is, I STILL haven't got a period yet, nor can I see any signs of fertility. Its only an issue because...well...I really want to start TTC #2 asap. I have that yearning...you all know what I mean!

The general advice I have been given by my midwife and GP to increase fertility is to aim for longer stretches between feeds, which sounds ok in theory BUT. How do you practically do this with a cosleeping baby? I have no idea how often she feeds in the night, and tbh, even thinking about monitoring that just irks me. I tried and tried to change or alter DD's sleeping from about 4-9 months and it just ended up in tears from her and me. I FINALLY feel like I have this parenting bizzo in a great place, and I feel fantastic about her development and my level of rest, and its all due to letting go!

I am also wondering about the implications for our relationship (DD's and mine) if I start putting another child before her most immediate needs. That might sound strange, but to wean her, even night wean her means I am placing my desire over her needs...which seems kinda wrong to me .

DH is being typically diplomatic about it and says "whatever you want".

So...how do I reconcile these conflicting aims? Is there a truly gentle way of reducing breastfeeding overnight, and do you think its worth starting now? I mean, would it be better to wait until she's older?

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I feel so stuck.

Well, you never know, AF may just be around the corner!

I have co-slept and night bf all of my babies. With DD and DS1, AF returned when they were both 13 months old. I know all women are different, but my point is, I had not reduced the frequency of night feeds, AF just came back both times when my eldest 2 were 13 months. I don't know what is significant about that age, and I will be interested to see if AF returns when my DS2 is 13 months!

I only reduced night feeds with DD when I was pregnant with DS1. Similarly, I reduced night feeds with DS1 when preg with DS2. If you are happy with your bf relationship as it is, I would be reluctant to change it. As you said, you feel as though you are in a 'great place' with your parenting at the moment.

Another consideration - DD and DS1 both self-weaned while I was pregnant. My milk dried up both times, and I feel sad about this as I think they would have both bf for longer. I am not saying this will happen to you, but it wasn't even a consideration for me the first time. I just assumed that I would be able to bf my DD during my whole 2nd preg.

It is hard to resolve conflicting aims sometimes. You said you are feeling the urge to ttc again. Do you feel totally compelled to act on that urge now or do you feel that you could wait? Would you be disappointed if you reduced night feeds and Af didn't return immediately anyway?

When pregnant with DS2, I moved DS1 into his own bed (he was 2), to reduce the night feeds. My DH would put him to bed and comfort him in the night because if I did those things, he would want to bf. Many times I 'gave in' because I felt mean denying him a night bf. It was an emotional couple of months for me. He continued to bf during the day for another 4 months. This was the only way I could see to reduce the night feeds, as he was feeding while I was asleep when we co-slept.

Anyway, I know this is long, I hope some of it is useful....

Thanks so much Aliash, you totally get where I am coming from. :hug:

Yes, I would feel very sad if I night weaned and AF still didn't return. I would also feel sad if I couldn't bf through pregnancy. So there is a lot weighing in on waiting a bit longer.

Hmmm...

Hi Anna

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to sympathise as I am in a similar situation to you at the moment - really keen to start TTC number 2, but cycles still apparently being suppressed by BF during the night, even though I hardly BF during the day any more.

I hope that your cycles return soon without you having to wean before you or your DD are ready.

xxx

Hey Anna

I was bf'ing round the clock (even tandem feeding), had no af, no signs of ovulating etc..but then I got pregnant (very much unplanned!). So perhaps you are ovulating and you don't know it!

All the best!

I'm sorry I have no advice but all I can suggest is go with ur heart and u will know what to do
Maybe see ur doctor is ur concerned maybe just a bloody test to see if u might be ovulating without AF
If ur not ready to give up that bf and co-sleeping time then maybe ur not ready but its totally a personal decision and I commend u for being able to bf its a wonderful thing (I was unable to due to my daughter being prem)
I hope u work it out and all the best I am sure u will have another bundle of joy as soon as ur ready

hi anna. i was still co-sleeping with ds1 and bfing all night long when i fell pg with ds2 so it can defintely happen without you changing anything. we sort of said we'd just 'see what happens' and i fell pg straight away. i went on to bf ds1 until i was 25wks pg with ds2 when he self-weaned and it was all very gentle with no tears or sadness- he just happily stopped- giving me a couple of months off before i started bfing ds2. i would say just keep doing what you're doing, you can do this without pushing your dd's needs to the side iykwim? we've given ds1 the best present in the world- a younger sibling who he absolutely loves.

Hi Anna,
I felt exactly the same way when DS was 12 months as that was when we were going to start trying. My plan was also to start night weaning. But i was thinking the same things as you, so I put it on hold for a while, and now DS is night weaned, it was easier than I thought. Just a protest on the first night, now all is fine.
So just do what feels right, because what didn't feel right for us only a few months ago feels ok now.
Hope that made sense.
Good luck with your decision :)

omg I could have written that post!! All of it!!

We gave up trying to change DD months ago and we're all much happier and rested for it.

We will be TTC around June but no AF here either. I don't want to force DD to cut feeds bc I want to have another baby, that feels so unfair :( And I'm also scared of her weaning when I get pg again when she may not have weaned at that time iykwim. Gosh, I don't have any answers for you do I? But I can sympathise, I'm having all the same thoughts and feelings.

anna, we're in the same boat - almost. My AF has returned but I'm still wondering how fertile I am as its pretty irregular ( AF returned with us doing 6 plus bfs a day).

I can sympathise as the last thing I ever imagined considering doing was putting myself or anyone else before DS. We too are so happy right now with our sleeping and feeding. However I am 36 this year so I don't have time to mess around :o

We still bf on demand and all through the night too. I don't know how you can reduce the night time bfs without distress.. I think a better bet would be day time as you could distract her although if you feed to sleep its impossible! One thing we did was started walking DS to sleep in his ergo carrier in the mornings which has put a bigger gap between feeds there..

Aargh its so hard isn't it!

I want to say upfront that I am happy with my one child, so I really don't know how you feel, but, being a firm believer in people having all the relevant information before they make a decision, I wanted to post with some thoughts that may not have occurred to you.

Feel free to ignore, obviously.

There is a school of thought (to which I subscribe) that three years is a more natural and healthier space between children than anything under that. When left to its own devices your body would normally delay childbearing, suggesting that this is better for you and the children involved. And I have heard of research that shows better health outcomes for baby where the gap from birth to subsequent conception is between 18 and 23 months. If you google "natural child spacing" you'll get info.

More personally, I have a son who is 29 months, and it is very intensive still. I think we've been through a few times where it has eased off, but he now really needs a whole lot of mummy attention. Add to that the memory of how intensive the newborn times are and maybe you can put aside your urges and just let nature take it's course?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, sounds like your daughter has a mummy who really is thinking about her needs first:)

I can totally sympathise, I was in this situation when my first born was around 14 months old.

Dr Jay Gordon has good co-sleeping & nightweaning tips. Google him. I think he recommends that bubs is at least 1, so maybe you could try his method if it sounds like it would work for you guys.

Maybe you could try without trying too hard. Just see how you and DD cope. If it's not working, back off and wait a while. I must say, I was quite suprised how easy nightweaning was when we did it, but he was a bit older - 22 months. He was old enough to understand what we were telling him - that he could have milk in the morning when the sun came up but not before. Took about 5 nights before he would just go straight back to sleep without much fuss.

On the flip side though, if you went with what has worked for you before (letting go) and AF didn't come back for another 6 months, would that be so bad? Assuming TTC doesn't take too long, you'd have an age gap of around 2yrs 3months - 3 years. And as other ladies have said, maybe you're ovulating anyway. Have you got an ovulation tester?

When my son was 18 months old, AF and ovulation were *still* missing in action. I went on a nursing strike (A VERY BAD AND UNINFORMED MOVE, NOT RECOMMENDED) and AF came back exactly 4 weeks later.

A toughie. Goodluck figuring it out. I guess it really depends on what your reasons are for wanting to TTC now as opposed to in a few months.. and what you're willing to do for it?

Thanks for all the replies. Still no signs of ovulation, but I am feeling ok about that. I think my body knows what it is doing, so I have to trust in that.
Thanks again!

I know how you feel anna... i always said i wanted to TTC again once DS was a year old.. and i was going to try and wean if AF hadnt shown up by then. Well AF showed up when he was 11 months old and we were still feeding whenever whereever and how much ever he wanted!! Co-sleeping too!! I had nothing feeding wise change from 10 months to the 11 months but AF showed up to stop me from having to think about weaning!!

So af became regular and i kept feeding 24/7 and four months later i got my BFP. It wasnt until i was about 12 weeks that i started to conciously drop DS's feeds- i just stopped the snacking ones where he would have a few sucks then be off to play again- and for another month or so i kept feeding him to sleep. He was 17 months when we fully weaned him- so i was happy to know i got those extra few months of feeding him and didnt have to wean. Oh and our night feeds wer the very last to go- he would go to sleep without boobie- and sleep in his bed- but if he woke during the night he came to our bed and i would still feed him- that was our last feed to go- as it became early morning instead of the middle of the night.

I dont know how i would have gone if i actually did have to wean to get AF back- i was lucky there, i felt better knowing that i didnt wean until i felt ready instead of pushing myself and DS to get what i wanted. I would maybe just relax- and while yes you want another bub- but even to say once AF arrives your not going to nessecarily fall right away- so you are then missing out on those months of feeding on demand while you even wait for that.

I would give it a bit longer- a few months isnt much in the scheme of things, and your DD may stop feeding as much on her own, or not and you still might get AF back- i know people who have gotten AF bacjk 6 weeks after birth and were exclusively feeding their newborn!!!

Good luck!!