learning to fly

Hiya - Instead of lurking for ages, and then joining in various threads, I thought I'd post and introduce myself.

I am Dory. I am a recent escapee from the TCC after recurrent miscarriage and TCC after miscarriage thread. I am pretty reluctant to leave those threads because I know the ladies there and they are amazing. Although I am pretty excited to be joining the pregnancy after miscariage or loss ( PALM) threads, because that means I am pregnant. I am also reluctant to leave because, I battle with the dread that I will be back there again soon. I know that my feelings aren't unique and a lot of the ladies in here will understand.

I have posted in other places about my journey to this point and won't repeat it in any great detail. Suffice to say this is my 5th pregnancy and 4th in about 18 months. I have no fairy tale endings of holding a live earth baby that is expected to survive. I am hoping for a fairy tale ending this time around, but it's hard to have a lot of faith and optimism that this time will be different. I have said and believed before that "this" couldn't happen again, and have been proven wrong. So, it's a tough journey ahead.

But having said that, it's not all doom and gloom, honestly.:wall: It's always there, sure, but some moments, some hours, some days, I win the battle and appreciate and enjoy this pregnancy and start to dream of a fairy tale ending. It sounds fatalistic in a way, but it helps me get through.

This moment, might be the only moment I have of this pregnancy, and I want to enjoy it, i want to take hold of it with both hands and just get the most I can out of it. I want to look back on either a fairy tale ending, or an ending I'd prefer not to experience again, and say to myself, this is my pregnancy, and this is my child, and I loved them both for as long as I had them......

Or let me put it another way, imagine if I had a fairy tale ending and then realised that I hadn't enjoyed the pregnancy? I suppose when does the worry or anxiety stop? it doesn't, as a parent its life long, even when your DD or DS is nearly 50. Imagine always being so worried that you never enjoyed the journey, what ever it brought?

I just needed to remind myself about that, tis all. My brother had a near fatal accident last year and ended up in intensive care for 60 days, and at least half of it in an induced coma. I saw my mum visit him almost every day, all day, and saw the worry etched in her face, and heard it in her voice, worry over her precious DS, who was almost 50. I think parenting and worry are linked, but there are so many positives that they probably outweigh the worry. It made me realise, I had to try and embrace the journey.

That doesn't mean I always have to be happy or positive, that would just be niaive. But what it does mean is every day I have to appreciate the experience, the ups and downs, the happiness, the fear..... and try not to be too negative. Of course I am afraid, and of course despite my wildest hopes and dreams, I anticipate a sad and premature outcome, but why should these feelings be the ones that I remember?

Right now, as I type I am pregnant and with it brings all that hope and promise, that this time it might just be different. I have to hold on to that thought.

It's hard to actually believe I am pg, but the HPT's and one performed by the Dr all give a BFP. I think I only really believed the BFP once the Dr got the result. I have an appointment for an early scan 5 Feb, which seems like an eternity away....... hmm let me just see how many days.....19 days..... and I will have some antenatal bloods done then.

The pg symptoms are more intense and earlier in some ways - fatigue, nausea, head aches, dizziness, but less in others like my boobs aren't sore and I don't have the same smell aversions to the last 2 pgs..... yet

Anyway, really it's still early days. Based on a 28 day cycle, which I am not sure I had, I am 4 weeks, and a few days pregnant. The last two cycles I had were 23 days ( after having 28 day cycles for some of the other more recent cycles). It was hard to tell when the big O occurred this time around. Ah what is life without a bit of mystery?

Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself, expose you to some of my ravings, and let you know I'll be lurking between my old haunting ground and this one, and I will need your support - so thanks in advance.

Be strong.

Hiya Dory and welcome to PAML :hug:

Wishing you all the very best in your journey to finally holding your bub in your arms. You are right, the worry is all part of being a parent. I worry about my DD2 as she sleeps in the room next to me now and I'll worry about my DD1 when she starts kindy next week. But I'll try not to let all that get in the road of my enjoyment and appreciation of them, the smiles and the laughs as I watch them grow up :) Never fear you will have this too!

Take it easy hun, day by day is all you can do while you try to enjoy your pregnancy. I must admit I didn't enjoy my 4th one as much as my 1st one, I was so naive back then and now I realise how lucky I was to have that. Stay positive and talk to your little one as he or she grows inside you.

GL for your scan on the 5th!

xo

megsmum

thanks. to be in this thread we have all had a loss of innocence. but it brings wisdom and strength. thanks for your sage words of advice.

Well here I am again. Some pretty amazing things happened to me this week. First, I got to 5 weeks! Every moment of this pregnancy is a blessing.

Second I got to make a pregnancy ticker - my first ever! I still can't work out how to put it in my signature, but it was the most awesome feeling looking at the ticker and realising it was talking about my pregnancy!

Third, and probably the most significant - I realised when I wiped after going to the loo, that I wasn't expecting to see blood, and I wasn't filled with dread before I looked at the paper. But rather, happy that I didn't see blood and happy the pregnancy was still here.

That is a pretty cool achievement in my battle with my fear and anxiety and I feel almost like I am 20 ft tall right now.

However I find I am worrying about things that have not been a party of my pregnancies journey so far.... the biggest fear is of an ectopic pregnancy at the moment. It's irrational, but it's just such a pervasive fear.

Anyway, that's me for now.

God speed little chicken. Every day we have with you is a blessing.