First meeting with a possible donor

Hi all.

Jo and I might just be in luck. We are meeting a possible donor on Saturday. Any suggestions or experiences of the first meeting/friendly chat are very welcome.

Hi Jorach,

I'm trying to remember my first meeting with our donor.

I think how you approach the meeting in part probably depends on the type of involvement and relationship you want the child and yourselves to have.

In our case we wanted our donor to be involved but not to be primary parent. So we wanted someone we thought we could have a friendship with. We met in a coffee shop and tried to create a friendly atmosphere and asked him about himself and spent some time trying to create rapport and getting a feel for him as a person. On the business end we also wanted to use the first meeting to begin to explain what type of involvement we wanted from him as a donor/father and how we saw our roles. It was no point going any further if we weren't going to be on the same page. I think we also asked about genetic, medical history etc.

My partner and I did some thinking before hand to clarify what we really wanted and things that we could compromise on if required.

I think it was the second meeting we gently raised the idea of a BT to confirm no STI etc and asked about his safe sex practices. Again we thought this was significant and no going any further if he wasn't prepared to be tested.

I have some friends who ended up asking their donor for a semen analysis. They did this because their first donor ended up having a fertility issue and didn't find it out until 9 months of unsuccessful TTC. We decided not to do this, but if I was to do it all over again with another donor I probably would. I would do it because we've now been TTC for 11 months. Our donor has gone now through a semen analysis as we are on the road to IVF and thankfully all is good. I wouldn't wish a protracted TTC period on anyone let alone because of a choice of donor. Anyhow that just my thoughts for where I'm at.

We've become kind of friends with our donor and I think our friendship will only get stronger. This is the type of relationship we were hoping to have with our donor. We make a point to catch up with him around the insem time for a coffee so I guess we have friendship with a purpose.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think I'm along the same line of thoughts as you were so I am now going to try and not to think too much more about it and just let things happen.

Good luck, hope it all goes well. I was nervous before meeting our donor. I think he was just as nervous though.

Well that sucks! Didn't even get to meet him. He let me know just then that he is traveling a fair bit this year so he won't be around or possibly healthy enough to do help.

Guess the search is on again.

I'm sorry about that. When you are really keen to get started, the process of finding a donor can be quite stressful. It's a journey in itself. I know that some people meet a few possibilities before finding the right match.

I know it's not going to make you feel much better, but at least he didn't let it get further down the path before changing his plans.

Hope you find the right donor really soon!!!!

Good luck, i hope the perfect donor dad is just around the corner for you! :pray:

I thought the advice about meeting for a coffee, keeping it chilled & friendly is really spot on. I'm going to take that advice myself!

Good luck with finding someone new. I know what a frustrating experience finding a donor can be. I thought I might share my experience with you:

I've always wanted a known donor. I asked a (married) friend and was turned down. Another friend offered her husband's sperm (with his permission) but only after she had conceived (still hasn't happened).

Finally, after a year of thinking I might have to turn to a sperm bank after all, I met my donor after I posted an ad on a gay and lesbian chat forum. We met at a coffee shop and he seemed very down to earth and friendly.

I was convinced he would be a good donor for two reasons:

1. He has already had a family so 'been there done that' with bringing up kids and it's pretty unlikely he will want to claim custody of mine.

2. He has also donated to another lesbian couple, and from what he told me, he was only in the chlid's life for when the couple wanted him to be- eg: birthday parties, etc. This is the kind of relationship I want - one that is like an uncle where he drops in every now and then but doesn't become too involved.

I was amazed that he trusted me (someone he had never previously met) not to come after him claiming child support. Of course I have no intention of doing this, but according to my lawyer friend, I am within my rights to do so if I pursued it through a court.

I was also a bit too trustworthy as well. I asked him to go for a STD, HIV, Hep C, etc test. A few weeks later he told me the results had all come back negative. I asked to see the report but he wasn't given a copy (it was though a drop in clinic) so I had to take his word for it.

Anyway, we tried home insemination twice and I became pregnant the second time. He came to my house, closed the bathroom door for a few minutes, and then left me to it. Very easy!

I'm now 13 weeks pregnant. We've caught up again for a chat. He brought along some photos of his kids when they were little so I could get an idea of what kinds of genes my baby is inheriting (very cute!). He isn't keen on telling his grown-up children about his 'donor kids' yet, as he wants them to grow a little older and mature, which I understand and am fine with.

I guess my only concern now is that I've asked him if he wouldn't mind if I got in contact with the other lesbian couple, as their daughter is going to be my baby's big sister. He said it would be fine, but I have reminded him several times and he hasn't made any efforts to contact them. I don't want to push him, but why do you think he is suddenly so reluctant to put me in contact with the other couple after assuring me he was fine with it? What should I do?

Hi

congratulations on your pregnancy.

i was reading your post and thought i might clarrify something - "I was amazed that he trusted me (someone he had never previously met) not to come after him claiming child support. Of course I have no intention of doing this, but according to my lawyer friend, I am within my rights to do so if I pursued it through a court." I am not sure what you are referrring to here - but your friend on what you write is incorrect - the Family Law Act is very clear on this - children concieved on the basis of "artifical insemination" are not children for the purposes of child support - if you were to make a claim against the donor.

Child support would only be applicable if you and the donor had slept together and the "child was a product of that sexual intercourse" or if you had a relationship with the donor and again the child "was a product of the relationship". you would not be entitled to child support because your intention and his was clear from the beginning (based of course on the info given) that the child is a child from donor insemination.

exactly the same as access to the child - the donor does not have any legal rights in that regard. He will i assume not appear on the birth certificate and is therefore not a parent for the purposes of the Act.

anyway hope that clarrifies things for people

cheers
:D