MIL Vent!

Help! MIL is driving me crazy... I love her dearly, really - she is a lovely lady and she means well but she just has no idea sometimes.

I'm sure there are some of you out there who have exeprienced this.

So, MIL loves to hold DS2 who is now 3 months old. Understandably. And when I go over there I am very happy for anyone to hold him, provided he is content and his needs are met (he is put to sleep when tired, etc etc). But he is now going through that phase where he is starting to distinguish Mum and Dad from 'other' very clearly and is not so happy to be away from the familiar faces and voices of his parents (understandably).
However, MIL has this annoying habit of continuing to hold DS2 (as she did with DS1) even when he cries to the point that he becomes so distressed he is literally gasping for air between sobs. Then, instead of doing what most people would do - (hand the poor bubba to its ultimate comfort - Mum), she walks off with him to the other end of the house, where I can hear him screaming his poor little terrified lungs out.

I have tried letting it go before - thinking that, surely she will give up and realise that whatever she is doing is not working, and then hand him to me.. but no, it appears that unless I go over and literally pull him out of her arms, she will continue to deprive a distressed baby of its parents and apparently she has no problem with this.
I simply cannot imagine doing this to someone else's baby - no matter how badly I want to hold it - it just defies common sense. And as a woman who has had 4 children, I would've thought she'd know better, and would remember what its like to be in my position as a mother when you hear your baby in distress.

Last week when DS2 became upset (after she'd been holding him for about 20 mins), she asked me "does he need a nappy change?" "No - he's got a fresh nappy on" (as if he would be crying uncontrollably because he's done a poo - for heavens sake, at 3 months it would just be a pleasant relief to get it out), then "does he have a dummy?" DH replies "Mum, just give him to Jel, he'll stop crying straight away if you give him to her." She hears his comment but chooses to ignore it, asking again, in an irritated tone "yes, but does he have a dummy?"
I reply "yes, but..." trailing off in disbelief, watching my baby screaming at me with pleading eyes, not bothering to explain to her that I am not really keen on using a dummy anymore now that he is able to self settle himself to sleep, and the fact that there is no way in heck that he is going to take dummy when he is screaming like that.

Last night whilst she was holding him he became upset again. He was surrounded by unfamiliar faces and voices so it was easy to see why. I was helping with dinner but as he became increasingly distressed I realised I'd have to take him and calm him down. However, MIL took the opportunity to walk off with him to the other end of the house. I tried to let it go and started chopping vegies furiously, wondering how long she'd let him scream like that. Eventually DH said to me "Jel he's not going to stop crying - you need to go and get him". In hindsight I wish I had told DH to please go and get him himself, and explain the situation to his mother, as I don't want to always feel like the woman who takes her baby off others when he gets upset- iykwim?
But instead I stormed off, glad I had held off for as long as possible but angry that I had listened to my baby scream unecessarily for so long because MIL is being selfish or maybe just plain dumb. It seems she is unwilling to accept that babies sometimes just cry because they want their Mum or Dad - if its not an issue she can't solve, she doesn't want to know about it!

Anyways, by the time I got to her my hands were shaking as poor DS was red in the face with tears streaming down his face as though he'd been adandoned forever. I pretty much grabbed him out of her reluctant hands and said with a shaky voice "when he gets distressed like that you have to give him to his Mum or Dad." It was pretty obvious in my tone that I was pi**ed off. She tried explaining that she was checking his nappy as she thought he might have a dirty nappy (he didn't), and I explained to her (as I have done numerous times with DS1) that doesn't cry like that over a pooey nappy! In fact, neither of my boys have EVER cried over a dirty nappy - they are usually happy as a pig in mud after they have relieved themselves!
So anyway, as soon as he was in my arms he started to calm down, but it took a while as he was so worked up. About 5mins later he was asleep in my arms - completely exhausted from the ordeal.

Sorry this is so long-winded, but what would you say/do in this situation? Have you ever been in my shoes?
Ahh - I feel so much better to get this off my chest. This stupid issue kept me up all night with 'I should've said/done this' etc etc.

I admire your restraint and for giving her the chance to try and soothe him herself.

She just doesn't want to let him go and wants him to get to know her so he can be soothed by Grandma. And it could also be that she thinks she's giving you a break by taking him and not just handing him back the moment he starts fretting.

But quite frankly if he starts getting worked up I would just pluck him straight out of her arms and say "oh is it time for Mum/Dad again." No quibbling, just cheerfully and matter of factly. And get your DH to do the same thing.

It doesn't need to be a drama and in fact it's great your DH has laid the groundwork by telling his Mum that if your DS gets worked up it's time to hand him back...keep up the momentum. She'll get the idea.

And as for the dummy...if he doesn't need it get rid of it and don't let her have access to it. Just tell her you've ditched it.

As long as she still gets plenty of cuddling time then I can't see the problem...it's hard at first setting new ground rules but most reasonable grandparents will fall into line when they see how you like things done.

The one thing you might hear is "but he has to learn to go to other people" so be prepared for that argument and hold your ground. He's only 3 months old, plenty of time for that, and it's not as if you aren't allowing him to be cuddled by anyone else other than Mum or Dad.

Good luck.

I am "mean" and as soon as DS started to get a little upset I just said "he needs me". Anyone disagreeing meant I walked up to them and took him back (after the first time that is - first time my mother did it I was in too much shock to). I certainly never let anyone walk off with an upset DS.

No offence, but you need to care for your son's emotions more than upsetting your MiL. Ask yourself which one is able to control their emotions and which one is learning that his Mama loves him? I know this sounds harsh, but if you don't look at it like this then you keep apeasing MiL because she can say some nasty things and your DS doesn't.

My son never needed to "learn" to go to other people or to "learn" that I wasn't there for him. And I said that to those who said otherwise. Short enough time and he'll not want to be with me so much. Why miss out on him now?

Quote: She just doesn't want to let him go and wants him to get to know her so he can be soothed by Grandma. And it could also be that she thinks she's giving you a break by taking him and not just handing him back the moment he starts fretting.
Yes - i hear you, and have tried telling myself that. And I truely want him to get to know her too - and don't mind her holding him when he starts fussing - just not to the point where he is in distress and cannot calm himself down. There is a point where it becomes cruel - and she frequently crosses that line.

Mmmm - good point Lady Zaidie. I hadn't thought of it like that. Why should I compromise his feelings to make MIL happy? Who is the priority here? In his mind - he has been abandoned, and he hasn't the age or experience to tell him otherwise.

My MIL used to do this with Ds1. She tried it Ds2 and I just walked up and got him and said you can have him back when he calms down. or Dh would do it.. I said to Dh you really need to help me out when your mum is like this and he would.. He just didn't realise how hard it was for me..

Anyways I hope your MIL stops it soon because it is distressing listening to our children cry for us and know we can stop them at any time.. :hug:

Honestly though just be firm and say I will settle him down and then you can have him for a cuddle. Maybe explain before you pass him to her that Ds gets a little upset when Mum and Dad aren't there and that you need to comfort him when he is like that..

This is just a suggestion but if you want to be non confrontational you could take him when he's stressed and explain you want him to associate his Grandma with love and cuddles not stress and crankiness so you'll calm him down and give him back when he's happy. I use this with my Mum and Dad so they don't try and disipline my daughter.

Hope it helps

OMG! What is it with MIL's doing this?! Thankfully, mine lives interstate but when they visited when DD was 9 weeks old, she did that exact same thing! It drove me nuts! I had no hesitation at all though in just walking straight up to her and whipping her out of MIL's arms and saying 'I think she wants her mummy now'. She kept saying 'where's her dummy?' although I'd told her that her dummy wouldn't do anything when she was that upset and even suggested putting honey on it so she would take it!! She then had the nerve to question me when I said honey was a big no-no for babies.

ARGH! They can be so frustrating at times. Like the other girls have said, don't be affraid to just say 'I think he needs his mummy' and just take him. She will quickly realise when he settles so easily with you or DH that his mum (ie YOU) does actually know what's best for her grandson.

Good luck hon

Yep, do it assertively with tone and body language.

I wouldn't even try to give an explanation. Just approach with open arms and say, "back to mummy now."

You'd have to be pretty brave to argue with that.

In which case, I'd do the, "no, you're coming back to mummy now aren't you DS"

So you're not actually talking to her directly IYKWIM.

Really, if she's too obtuse to take a hint then youv'e just got to be really direct.

Don't worry about giving her an explanation, only provide one if she arks up later and turns on the "oh, it's so unfair, I want to hold my grandson."

Sorry, I just get really cranky with insensitive people who have the rest of us running around in circles trying not to hurt THEIR feelings. It's all arse about.

SIGH. My Dad does this. When I go to take DD he says 'oh it's ok, I can cope with the crying'! Well DD and I certainly can't, so give her back!!

I eventually realised though, that my Dad just can't read her cues. His experience was that my brother cried a lot, even in his arms (he was very colicy, refluxy etc.). Mum and Dad both spent many months just walking around holding a crying baby and doing what they could to soothe him. I think anyone that touched him just handed him back straight away as they didn't want to hold the crying baby so my Dad actually thinks he is doing me a favour. That perhaps DD is just 'unsettled' and that she'll cry wherever she is. He wants to show me that he is comfortable with her and doesn't just want to ditch her when she's 'no fun anymore'. But he doesn't know her like i do and doesn't notice the things she does when she wants me (well, it's more obvious now, but was a bit more subtle when she was a little bub).

It actually took me holding someone else's crying baby to realise this. I just had NO IDEA what he wanted. I went to hand him back to his Mum and she said 'no he's ok, he's just uncomfortable, he wants you to hold him so he can face out and see everything'. Sure enough, this did the trick. Made me realise how much I understand my own baby's cries and behaviour but that others might not.
Maybe your MIL just doesn't get that this is a cry for Mummy and thinks that she'll be able to provide what he needs. Think the others are right though... you've got every right to just step in and take him back.

Thanks so much for the responses guys, good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this! I will make a special effort NOT to do this when I'm a MIL!

Quote - This is just a suggestion but if you want to be non confrontational you could take him when he's stressed and explain you want him to associate his Grandma with love and cuddles not stress and crankiness so you'll calm him down and give him back when he's happy. I totally agree, Rosie's Mum - will explain that next time. I'm worried it will get to the point that he'll cry as soon as we hand him to her, as he'll associate her with being 'the woman who takes me away from Mum and Dad.'

I just wish I had the strength of character to remain calm (but assertive) when I took him off her - my anger made the situation very uncomfortable, and MIL was feeling very sorry for herself afterward! :wall:

Your number one importance is your baby and if your MIL gets offended in the way than so be it. Babies cant help who they feel comfortable around and who they dont. My daughter screams bloody murder if my father tries to hold her. There is no reason and you can tell it offends him, but I simply say ti is a stage and she will grow out of it and not to be offended.