the 2 short lived miracles

Hi there,

I'm Elle and am new to this forum.
My story is a lot less traumatic than some of the other beautiful strong womens' here. But as small as it may be, it has shaped me into a different person - one with a little more insight.

My dh and i have been ttc for around 1 1/2 years now - short time but difficult at the same time, being told 6 months in that i have PCO's and my dh is infertile, being told that ICSI was our only option.

But at that stage i didn't feel ready for the emotional rollercoaster that is IVF. Well my hubby and i kept ttc as though we had never received that dreaded news. And as you can imagine, to our surprise - i got my first BFP, after months and months of staring at those damn HPT's in the bathroom trying to see a non existing line. I was shocked, my hands shaking... i thought this was just too good to be true, and i was right. MC a week later and left with a broken heart. Nobody told me that a woman gets attached to the little thing the minute it is discovered.

2 cycles later, October 2009, (mind you my cycles go for around 40 - 55 days and the only way i can predict when AF is due is a week after my bbs start to hurt) i was pregnant again. No WAY, HCG doubling every 1.5 days? sounds promising, i guess this is it! I thought. My Ob Gyn was shocked, "any specialist would look at your record and come to the same conclusion, ICSI. This is just amazing".... Then the spotting began at 5 weeks. I was concerned and pushed for an ultrasound. This is when my heart dropped, when the sonographer was looking, and looking... and found no iu pregnancy. long story short, it ended with a single shot of MT at 8 weeks. Ectopic.

And here i am another 2 cycles later, waiting for AF to come, convincing myself i might be pregnant (AF was due today and didn't show but BFN). and for some reson i "know" IF i am blessed with pregnancy it will once again be too good to be true.

who knew that i would ever live my life in 2-3 week intervals,
who knew i would be so consumed by TTC and so scared by it at the same time,
and who knew i would become so in tune with my body, wishing forone thing - that it would one day become a vessel of life for another.

Wondering when my journey will end, signing off... Elzi

Baby dust for all, and i hope you get the very thing that keeps yo visiting this great forum!

:hug: to you Elzi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your two angels.....I hope you too get to hold your own bub in your arms soon.

Oh thanks Human Bean.

We all need one of those once in a while.

It is hard to imagine holding my very own bub when your experiences tell you otherwise, I seem to have this idea that they will all end the same unless i opt for ICSI, in which I don't have full faith either.

But i must remember that a positive mind is essential in this ttc journey...

:hug: so sorry that you have had to face all of this. It it not fun. xo

:hug: thankyou for sharing your journey, I am inspired by your strength. :pray: that one day soon you will be holding an earthside angel that will stay with you forever

Thanks girls.
Hey kelebek are you turkish? I am.

No Elzi I am not turkish, although I know kelebek is turkish for butterfly... when I was looking for a username I came across this and thought it was beautiful. There are turkish members though

oh thats alright hehe. just thought i'd ask, and i agree itis a lovely user name. i wasnt very creative with mine, its what my DH calls me so it's still special to me :)