Our baby went to play with the angels....
... three weeks ago today & I'm finally ready to tell our story.
I went to my normal GP appointment on the 7th of January. Z & J were with Aaron’s mum (thank goodness) & he was with me. Everything is all fine & the Dr feels my belly, all routine not a problem. He said he thought the measurement was too big & that either I was further than 10 weeks or we were having twins so he says ok let’s get an ultrasound. We rang around to get in right away but were told there were no spots, we'd have to just sit & wait.
We got in really quickly & we were both excited at the possibility of knocking off another month or that we were going to have two new babies. The lady doing the scan kept going over the same spot & was really quiet. I couldn’t see the screen properly from my angle but I couldn’t see any movement. She told me my baldder was too full & to go to the toilet for 10 seconds & come back. She left the room.
When I came back I told Aaron that there was something wrong. He had no idea & told me not to worry about it yet. I had a feeling that something wasn't right, but tried not to worry too much because I couldn't see the screen properly. She comes back in & checks the same spot over & over. I strained to see & all there was, was this profile of a perfect tiny baby but so perfectly still. The tears start but I couldn’t look away, I knew. She then tried to get the sound of the heartbeat & there was nothing, all while she stayed quiet. I said “there’s something wrong isn’t there?” and she said she couldn’t find the heartbeat & she had to get the head doctor :crying:
I looked at Aaron & he was just sitting there staring at me while I was crying. I went off at him for not caring :( Told him he should be upset & why wasn't he sad that our baby was gone, but he said he needed to be strong now. The head doctor comes in & just apologises over & over as he’s doing the scan. He says bubby was measuring at 8 weeks 5 days & I was supposed to be 9 weeks 5 days, so he (don’t know why I keep saying that) left us sometime in the previous week.
Back to the GP and he tells us that basically everything was absolutely perfect, there were no obvious issues with me or with baby, just something stop the heart. More than likely something chromosomal or something like that, not that I cared much at that point. I made him promise me that it wasn’t my fault, even though I felt like there should have been more I could do to save him. I was just devestated, only an hour before the three of us had been joking about having two babies & all I wanted was my one baby back :( He tried to call 4 obstetricians & everyone was on holidays so basically we had to go to the hospital and wait around for someone to be available.
So we sat at the hospital from 1pm until 5pm. No-one was available & there was nothing they could do on the Friday or over the weekend so we just had to wait. It was the worst time of my life. I cried for most of the time. I hoped that they were wrong. I hoped there was a twin that was still ok.
On the Monday (11th of Jan, my sister's birthday). We went into to the clinic at the hospital. They were really good, went through everything. Then they handed me the paperwork to sign & I asked if they'd do another u/s just in case. So off we went & had an external & internal ultrasound and nope still no heartbeat :crying:
I then had to sit around & wait for the D&C. I went in at 1.30pm and I was really upset, so they actually allowed Aaron to go into the holding area of the theatre because I was so upset. As they moved me into the anesthetics area they dressed him up in scrubs & allowed him to go in there as well. I'm forever grateful to the orderly that organised that for me because I don't know how I would have coped without Aaron there with me.
I was given something to calm me down & told that it would just relax me & then when I went inside I'd have the gas. I think lack of sleep, stress & the calming drugs (still not sure what it was!) knocked me out because all I remember was being wheeled in, moving to the theatre table & seeing the doctor walk in the door!
Today was my follow up GP appointment to get the pathology results but it turns out the hospital hasn't sent them. I just got home & called the hospital to be told that they can't give them out to a patient, they have to be given to a doctor, so I have to wait some more before my GP gets them. We don't expect to be able to find something, but I just need the closure of knowing if there was something detectable that went wrong.
