Two years on

I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. I did my thing, and left the test on the bathroom counter, then went downstairs to wait for my result. I was anxious. I knew what I was going to see, and I knew my partner would be upset. He wasn't ready. Neither was I.

As I stood outside the bathroom, my hands trembled as I pushed the door open. I could see it before I even got close. Two lines. Even though I knew it would be positive, I nearly fainted. What would I do? How would I tell him? My mind raced.

It was another 2 hours before my partner awoke. It was a Sunday, and I remember sitting on the couch watching video clips and trying to rehearse what I was going to say. I don't know how long it took me, but later in the morning I finally found the courage. "So I took that test...." He looked at me expectantly. "I'm pregnant. It was positive." Suddenly I burst into tears. He held me, and told me it was going to be ok. We sat for a while, and discussed things. "Don't you want to have a baby with me?" was his response to my tears. I told him I didn't want him to feel like I'd ruined his life. We'd only been together 8 months, and thinking he couldn't have children (due to an accident when he was little), were foolish enough not to use protection. Lesson learned.

"Of course I want to have your baby, I just don't want you to resent me for this..." It was like I knew what was coming. Everything was fine for the rest of that day, and it wasn't until I received confirmation at the doctor's office the next day that things got bad. I went to pick him up from work, and when he got in the car, he looked at me and said "well?". "Definitely positive. We're having a baby." His face fell. His eyes glazed over. He looked away. My head was spinning. "what about everything you said yesterday?" I choked out, trying not to cry as I was driving by this point. His response was cold and blunt. "I don't want you to have this baby. We haven't been together long enough. I'm not ready." The excuses flowed so effortlessly. I felt abandoned instantly. He's always been stubborn, and I knew he would fight this to the death. Little did I know, it would be our baby's death.

The weeks passed, with me trying to enjoy my pregnancy, and hoping he would come around. He wanted me to have an abortion. I flatly refused. I just couldn't do it. I loved him, and our child. I told him I was willing to sacrifice him to keep this child. We fought viciously, he yelled, I cried, and by the end of the argument, I had my bag packed. I left him, and went to stay with my sister and her partner. Or so I thought.

The next day, he called me, asking me to come home. I told him we would BOTH come home, me, and our baby.... and he seemed relieved. My sister was angry. She told me I was a fool to go back to him, but I just couldn't leave it like that. He was the father of my child, I was going to give this everything I had.

When I arrived home, I saw he'd been crying. "I don't want you to leave... I've been selfish." I reminded him of all the terrible things he'd said. That if I had the baby, he'd skip town and never be seen again, and that he wouldn't pay child support. After a lot of back and forth, he finally seemed to accept that I was having this child, with or without him. He agreed to support me in my decision. He couldn't promise it would work out, but I didn't need a promise. Afterall, nothing is garaunteed. I was about to learn this lesson, also.

Fast forward to my 7th week of pregnancy. When going to the loo, I saw something no pregnant woman wants to see. A spot of blood. My heart sank. I just knew the stress had been too much, and my little one wasn't going to make it. I cried like I've never cried before. When I emerged from the bathroom, all red-eyed, he asked me what was wrong. "I'm bleeding." He didn't react at first. He just stared. I grabbed my pregnancy book, and flicked to the section about spotting. I felt slight relief when I read it's not always serious, and that if it persisted for several days, or got heavier or both, I should see a doctor. I'm not religious at all, but I caught myself praying that night. Please, don't take my baby from me. It was like a mantra I repeated in my head.

The bleeding worsened. Then got lighter. Then heavier again. Then lighter. The rollercoaster was agony. Hope, then dispair, then more hope. I was so stressed out, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. What was worse, is that I had no support. I knew he didn't want this baby, and I felt so alone. Still, I fought for our baby. I took bedrest, on doctor's orders, and told my boss I wouldn't be returning to work until I was sure baby was ok.

After several trips to the emergency room, (which ensued a 5 hour wait while people with 'headaches' etc, were seen before me) it finally happened. I went to bed on 29/02/08, feeling crampy and sore. My bleeding had lightened again, and I was to return to work the next day. I felt like maybe things would be ok. At 11pm that night, I awoke with excruciating cramps. In my sleepy haze, at first I thought 'oh great, I have my period.' Then I remembered. Adrenaline washed over me. I tried to get out of bed... the pain was intense. I tried to wake my partner. He was in a deep sleep. I sobbed, and crawled to the bathroom alone, feeling like someone was tearing my insides out. When I managed to stand to get to the toilet, I felt a pop, and a gush. I went to sit, and felt something slide down. Too far down. I instinctively reached out to catch it. What I saw I will never forget. What I originally thought was a large clot, was in fact our baby. I remember seeing the umbilical cord and the tears gushing like a river of rapids. "No!" I cried out. Nobody heard me. Nobody came. I sat there for what felt like forever, sobbing uncontrollably. I had no choice but to let our baby be swept away with the flush. There was nobody to help.

I don't remember dragging myself to bed. I awoke in the morning, feeling empty. I knew what had happened. Fast forward again a few days later, when I had blood tests to confirm my suspicions. I'd had a miscarriage. The doctor called me on a monday night at 7pm to tell me. I should have been 7wks 6days. My world was destroyed. I was destroyed. But I didn't react. I calmly went back to the dinner I'd been eating, and my partner looked at me expectantly. "It's gone. I hope you're satisfied", I said through grit teeth. I abandoned my dinner, and lit a cigarette. Quitting didn't matter anymore. I'll never forget what he said. "I didn't feel ready for this baby, but I didn't want you to go through this, either." I believe him. The look of anguish on his face was terrible. He didn't want the baby, but I could see he was suffering for me. My final ultrasound was awful. I don't know why, but I still held a tiny shred of hope that I'd imagined what happened, that it was just a clot, and that our baby was ok. Maybe the doctor was wrong. The U/S technician seemed aloof at first. "Nothing there," she said matter of factly. She (I really feel like it was a girl) was gone. I was devastated. But I just stared at the ceiling. I couldn't react. I couldn't breathe. She asked me if I was ok. I said yes, got up, and left. When I got to my car, the tears fell like torrential rain. I was a mother, without a baby. I would never hold her, see her, or know her. How would I forgive my partner for letting me go through this alone?

I don't know how I did..... but I did. We are still together to this day, and very much in love. We still have no children, he still isn't ready. And out of respect for him, I would never ask him to do this unless he wanted it 100%. But my heart aches for our lost baby. I want to try again, but am terrified. I feel so torn, and so broken sometimes, it's like it happened yesterday. But sadly, life goes on.

It's almost 2 years to the day since I miscarried Shelby, (this is the name I chose, as it just 'stuck' in my head. I knew she was telling me her name.) and I am not the same person. I believe I am a better person. Stronger, kinder, smarter. Never again will I know the untainted joy of pregnancy. But never again will I be blindsided by such a loss. I know what to expect. And I take what little comfort I can in that.

Mummy loves you, Shelby. And I know Daddy does, too. He cried with me that night, I know he was just scared. I hope Granddad is taking good care of you wherever you both are, and I will always hold you in my heart, my precious first 'born'. You will be forever my sweet baby.

It's so healing to put this in writing, and now, I'm letting it go. This is not goodbye, my precious... it's only see you later.

Thank you for reading this.

R.I.P Miss Shelby.
I shed a tear for you sweetness, you both are in my heart :hug:
:comfort:

Oh hun, it must have been hard to share that story, but I am soo glad you did.

I have no wise words for you I'm sorry - only a :hug:.

So very sorry for the loss of your precious Shelby :hug:. I'm sorry you went through such an ordeal, thank you for sharing your story with us.

Regards,
Dianne

Oh hun, I am so sorry :hug:

oh babe I am so sorry ..... I felt every ounce of pain in your post.... xxx

Thank you all for your kind words. I will read all of your stories too, as soon as I can. It's surreal to see my own tale told on here. And I am touched by your replies. For two long years I've read and cried over all of the stories I've read. Thank you for sharing, everyone. The hardest part of miscarriage is not having anyone to talk to. People judge me for still hurting. They have obviously never been there. Don't let anyone tell you how to mourn your children....... and keep supporting eachother. Without you lovely ladies sharing your experiences I was sure to be forever lost in my darkest depression. Our babies deserve to be remembered, and I am here to remember yours with you. Once again, thank you all so much. I'm sorry we had to meet this way, but still glad we did. Stay strong, ladies.

Darling, you are a strong strong woman to go through what you did, and still are. My heart goes out to you, your story really touched my heart.
RIP little Shelby, she will visit you again when the 3 of you are ready XXXX

I feel your agony sweet, my angel was a similar gestation and i remeber that feeling of hanging on to any shred of hope. I'm so sorry and I hope you have the courage to TTC it is hard but the pain is there. :hug:

Thank you, lauren22 for taking the time to reply. I feel I should show the same courtesy.

Sadly, it's not a matter of courage. I'm terrified of another loss, but I'm really just waiting for my DP to come to the party. It doesn't matter how much time passes, the terror remains the same.

I'm sure you understand.

He recently said we will try in 6 months. I am cautiously optimistic.... who knows how long he will really take. He is 32, and I am 25. How old does he have to be, ya know? But that's another story.

Once again, thanks for your response. I'm so sorry you've been through this also.

My heart broke for you as I read your post, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Shelby. You sound like one amazingly strong woman, well done to you for forgiving your DP and maintaining such a strong relationship whilst dealing with such a painful experience.

I read so much pain in your post but also so much love. It is a very fitting tribute to your little lost soul, I'm sure she is proud to have you as her Mum.

Wishing you and your DP well for your road ahead together.

Oh hun, what a terrible time you've had, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Anniversaries can bring up all that emotion and pain that you thought you may have dealt with.
Take all the time you need to try and get thru this, we are all here for you too.
xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss :( your story made my heart ache.. i have tears for you .. lots of hugs <3

:comfort: