How do I deal with this situation

DS14 has really dissapointed me today :shakehead:. I found out he has lied. He slept over at his friends house last night, silly me should have rang the friends mum but DS has never given me reason before this to doubt him in any way. His mobile is not working at the moment so I can't contact him, he is still not back so around 4.00p.m I rang his friend and he told me DS didn't sleep there last night. I rang another friend asking if DS was with him and he told me no he slept at ........ house. This is where I got really upset because this boy, I'll call him J, is a boy who gets into a lot of trouble and is the boy who threw a rock through our window over the holidays. Already last year when I heard he was in trouble with the police we told DS he is not to go to J's house and definately not sleeping over there. I went to J's house to get DS and nobody is home, so I"m waiting for DS to get home. J lives not far from us so when DS goes for a ride or walk how do I know he's not at J's house. I'm pretty sure now that is where he has been going. I really want to talk to J's mum and tell her that if DS goes there to send him straight home but his mum is the type of person (I don't even know the word to use to describe her) but she is never home for a start and that includes during the night as well. The first time DS slept at J's house early last year he came home and told me J's mum didn't come home until 2.00a.m :wall:. This is all so new to me, it's so out of character for DS I don't even know how to handle it all. I suppose just needed to vent, thanks for reading.

Regards,
Dianne

Oh hun..I don't really have any advice for you but you sound like you need some of these: :hug:

I do think there needs to be some serious consequences for lying to you about where he has been, that must have been so worrying not knowing where he was when he wasn't where he said he would be (say that 10 times fast..lol). So maybe no sleeping over/going to friend's houses at all for a while until he realises the severity of what he has done, maybe taking away some of his other priveleges such as tv/computer for a while as well.

I do think you, DH and your son need to sit down together and have a big talk, that what he has done is not ok and the reasons why you don't want him seeing this other boy.

I hope you can work it out, I think I can wait for the teenage years! :hug:

Thanks hun, I've already told DH that there will be no more sleepovers at anyone's house and for now he will be going to school and straight back home again. I will also ban him on the computer. We have already talked to him about why we don't want him to hang around J and how important it is but obviously he doesn't understand or doesn't want to. I'm going to go around again soon as now it's past dinner and he normally rings me to let me know what's going on and what he's doing, it's just so not like him.

Regards,
Dianne

Little BUGGER!

But yeah, from now always ring the mum before he leaves to go.....and bannd forever from staying at this kids house.

It's ok though, not a failure on your part, he isn't a BAD BAD kid....just pushing boundaries like they all do xoxoxoxo

Thanks Lulu, he sure is pushing the boundaries. Just got back from J's house and they are at the movies but then again I don't even know if that is true :doh:. I told the mum's boyfriend that when DS gets back to send him straight home.

Regards,
Dianne

Hugs hun he is a little bugger as if you haven't had enough stress in last few weeks.

Hope he gets home soon

When he wasn't back at 8.00p.m I went back around to J's house, as I walked up to the porch I could smell marjuana (sp). His mum's partner told me they are in town and J's mum is just about to go get them. I said don't worry I'll go, I'm not saying she was smoking, I don't know but if she was I didn't want DS in the car with her. Should have seen DS's face, priceless. We have talked to him, he is grounded and hopefully will abide by the rules. Never seen him so quiet.

Regards,
Dianne

What a turd! Doesn't he know that you would get suspicious if he wasn't back by a certain time. He has blown your trust now he has to work to earn it back. Silly boy.

huge hugs dianne, so not what you need right now. i really hope he learns from this. xox

I can only offer my personal history and confirm that 14 is a turning point age for boys. Hormones are rocking the crap out of your body and perfectly polite and obedient boys become rebellious.

I had a strong desire to be independent at 14 and this was the year I started Smoking, first time for getting drunk too. I was doing everything I could to keep away from my wonderful parents and I dont know why really. 14 was a pretty full on year for me and all the other boys at school too.

There is a Book on raising boys by Steve Bidduph that reccomends more intensive attention at this age but from someone else. Apparently Boys need exterior role models that are not their parents. Maybe he is interested in Joining Army/RAF Cadets or getting a part time job or something like that.

I got a job when I was 14 and it seemed to keep me from going silly but also gave me money to afford loud stereo equipment so there will be a household tradeoff there.

Also, as a professional BS Artist, when you fear you are being lied to, once your DS has stopped speaking just leave a nice big uncomfortable pause after what he said while staring at him with a blank face and see if he feels the need to further justify his statement. you can bring nervous behaviours to the surface you to see. (touching face, looking down, looking up to his left, scratching arm, fidgeting feet)

It's a frustrating and powerless stage for parents because kids reach an age where they can have more independence but they don't necessarily show more responsibility - and the two must go hand in hand.

Banning him from seeing a certain person will not work unfortunately, I think all you can do is hang on tight and ride it out. I've just finished reading a book called "Before your teenagers drive you crazy, read this" and it was fantastic. It explained all the ins and outs of brain development and hormonal impacts etc. I really strongly recommend it to anyone with kids this age!

Good luck xx