"Separation Anxiety" - Normal?? small vent included

I am confused and need some help ......

DD is 15ish weeks old.
I have always "handed her over" to whomever will hold her my only rule is when she gets grizzly to give her back, don't hang on to her longer than need be, don't wait until she is in a real screaming mess while your trying to pacify her, just hand her over BEFORE we get there because she has NEVER grizzled just for the sake of it.

Up until a week ago DD has happily gone to who ever (except MIL she ALWAYS screams when MIL gets her:lol:) She has just stared not wanting anyone except DH and I to hold her. I do pre warn people if she is tired or due for a feed or needs a bum change that she is grumpy or needs something so not to take it personally.

BFF and I went to MIL place so BFF could give new niece a present.

DD was grumpy pretty much the whole time we had a change and a feed but she desperately needed sleep but there was too much going on :lol: heaven forbid I out her down or give her to anyone ....... then MIL commented that DD has bad "separation anxiety" and put it down to my continuous holding/nursing her."over mothering"

Now I do hold my baby a lot, but when she is awake and happy/quiet she goes in her pram or under the gym or something but if she is grizzly/grumpy etc I do whatever it takes to make her feel better. I feel that is my job as her mother, she has always been a snugly bubby.

Is that wrong?

DD sleeps longer in my arms (up to 2 hrs) through the day than she does if I put her down in the pram/cot/hammock (15-20 min max) ....... is this contributing to her problem ? does she have a problem?

So is this a phase? TBH I haven't noticed it but I could be too close to it itms?

She is happy to talk and smile at people just as long as they don't pick her up lol

Nae

Nope - not wrong and not a problem. We did the same thing, it is a phase and it will pass. But I would ignore MIL's comments - they are the reason that your DD screams if she tries to hold her!! They know......;)

I have found doing all this that you naturally learn when it is time to start separating yourselves, and it certainly isn't at such a young age. Follow your instinct.... it won't steer you wrong! You know how to be the best mother for your children to match with your circumstances and beliefs. Try not to let anyone make you doubt yourself. :hug:

Sounds pretty normal to me. DD was the same from a similar age. Suddenly realised that there was a choice about who held her and 99% of the time, therefore wanted only me or her Dad (and even he gets rejected quite a bit, poor guy). I feel kind of sorry for friends and relatives who just want to give her cuddles, but like Shae, DD is happy to give them plenty of love from the safety of my arms! It's kind of continued off and on. Really ramped up at about 7 months when she would SCREAM if I walked away from her or god forbid, left the room. Seems ok at the moment but I expect it may come back as it's supposed to peak at 12 months.

I don't think it's any reflection on 'over mothering' from you. In fact, if you don't mind me putting it more frankly, I think that's an absolute crock!! You just keep being a wonderful, attentive, affectionate and responsive Mummy and your beautiful girl will come through this stage knowing that her Mummy is always there when she needs you or feels unsafe. That 'over mothering' is actually called 'building a healthy attachment' I believe, and it will pay enormous dividends in Shae's mental health and confidence in years to come.

My comeback would be "Well, she's fine to go to people normally, I don't know why she gets so upset with you?" (to MIL, that is).

Perhaps she's just a really good judge of character (not of your BFF, who I'm sure didn't make any snide remarks).

FWIW my DD was very attached to me and for some reason cried her eyes out whenever she saw MIL. I put it down to the way MIL was with her (very 'in her face', over-excitable, plus the fact she didn't see us for 5 mths, but that's a whole 'nother story) and the fact she had a very strong connection with me. She still has a very strong attachment to me, but is completely happy to go off and be independent at preschool, etc.

It's been proven that a strong attachment with Mum (and Dad, but to a lesser extent at this age) leads to greater emotional security as your baby gets older. You can tell her that if you're feeling more diplomatic!

TBH it sounds like the only people that are finding it a problem or a difficult situation is your MIL! i reckon that if it feels ok and right for you and DD then keep doing what you are doing! :hug:

What the heck is "over-mothering" anyway?? What mum doesn't respond to their unhappy bub? Pffft to your MIL!

Both my boys were snuggly like Shae and both suffered from separation anxiety. DS2 was by far the worst and wouldn't let me leave the room without screaming. I did my best to reassure my boys with lots of love and cuddles, I couldn't leave them screaming like that. I was told it was my own fault because I constantly picked them up :rolleyes:. They both eventually became happy, independent little boys :).

DD has never been snuggly and is my first non-clingy baby! She is happy to go to anyone (unless she's tired like most babies ;)). I haven't done anything different with her, I always pick her up and give her comfort if she cries. She's just different to her big brothers.

You are doing exactly the right thing, don't listen to her :hug:.

Shae sounds perfect to me. She knows who her mummy is and is perfectly attached to her primary caregiver. Which means you are doing a fabulous job!

MILs like to encourage 'detachment' style parenting so they can jump in and take over. Tell her she's had her chance...

Don't doubt yourself Nae - you're doing brilliantly!

I was thinking about this last night and also wanted to add that when bubbas are so young it can be a fraught time for those around you and bubs that are not the primary care-givers..they love this baby with so much of their hearts but the reality is that they are not the be all and end all for your baby ATM. they are more there to be there for you and bubs as a unit, a single force. their role is to support you as you raise a young baby. but TBH i think people (due to a loss of the village) dont really 'get' that anymore. we are not surrounded by a squidload of kids anymore so everyone is keen to jump right in ITMS.

I found that as my DD got older it got alot easier for the extended family to be involved. she was no longer dependent on my milk for her sole nutrition, she was sleeping less and more to a pattern and also, was able to recognise different people and love the fact that they were different and offered different kinds of fun to mum. even DH really found his feet after that first year and they now also have a vastly different relationship to the one i have and so and so on. and also, as they get older, comfort can come from different people, because the communication skills are there and, for example, DD can now tell grandma when something is not right and why...so despite the rocky start where mum was paranoid that they would not have a close relationship, they now have a fantastic relationship.

sorry probably a bit garbled, but just wanted to say that the baby stage is not forever and as DD grows she will reach out and find meaningful relationships with those in her larger family. it would be lovely if MIL could realise that and just relax and wait for her time to shine!!

I always used to get accused of holding my babies too much. But I only ever held them as much as they needed to be held. ;)

You are doing nothing wrong. What you are describing doesn't even sound like real seperation anxiety, just a developmental stage. But if it were seperationg anxiety, how would being seperated help? I don't beleive holding your baby "execessively" causes it.

FWIW - Out of my 3, only one has had any real seperation anxiety (DS1). And he has always been fine so long as I am still visible, or is with people he knows well and trusts (ie, nanna or daddy) and now at the age of 2 seems to be gaining a bit more independance on his own. I have never done anything differently with any of mine.

oh pffffffffffft to your MIL!

firstly, you are parenting based on instinct - that's what mummy's have done for many generations (until about your MIL's generation when the so-called "experts" came along and told people they are doing it wrong). Generations of kids have been raised by mummy's who attended to them. generations of children thrived on it. and then people like your MIL, who haven't raised their own kids in years, came along to try to unsettle things! pfffft

Shae is happy - Shae knows you are there for her. THAT is what's important. where or how she sleeps is no one's concern but yours! (well, your DH to a lesser extent, but as primary carer, the buck stops with you). isn't it better to get a long sleep out of her during the day and have a happy baby and a calm mummy, than to force yourself to put her down, have her wake up almost immediately, she ends up over-tired and you end up frazzled, distressed, and resenting her?

your MIL would HATE my parenting of E - especially at that age. E refused to sleep anywhere other than on me during the day. no matter how long she'd been asleep, how deeply asleep she was - if i put her down, she'd wake within 5 minutes. she was content in my arms. she was SAFE in my arms. that was what was important. at around six months, the weather heated up and it was getting too hot and E was getting too heavy for my dodgy arm so we were able to transition her to her cot for day sleeps. she was ready at that point - she started sleeping for up to 2.5 hours during the day, at least twice a day. one day she was just ready. before then she wasn't. i guess what i'm saying is take your cues from Shae - and let the two of you sort it out

on the seperation anxiety - HELLO MIL!! that's normal - even with children who aren't raised with "attachment parenting" methods. ALL children go through it! it's natural - it's part of their development - stranger danger and all that jazz! sheesh! E is pretty good with only a few people that she sees regularly. she will actively go to them - anyone else, she pulls back, and they have to wait until she has been around them for quite some time before they come close or try to take her from me. i too was a "here, go to x" mummy (had to be - was doing the single mum thing when she was little! i needed a break) - but she found a time when no, she didn't want to just be handed over. it's part of their developing personalities to be able to choose who they do and who they don't want to be around. it's normal and HEALTHY for them to choose. don't let your MIL upset you about this stuff - Shae and E sound very alike and, although now shy of "strangers" when they first come into the picture, she does come around after a short time. she will smile from the safety of my lap, then engage people in chatter, and then go to them if she wants to (or will get on the floor and ambush their feet etc!) - this is even so for the people she sees once a week - she takes her time to go to them - but when she does, she is the same with them as she is with us - a happy, outgoing, rather cheeky little girl. just the way she should be!

you're doing a fantastic job Nae - don't let anyone make you doubt yourself!

Thanks everyone,

Its very reassuring that Shae is not the only baby that has gone through this and that its perfectly normal. I have always felt that I would be a good attentive mother but never wanted to wrap her in cotton wool itms.

Being constantly told little things like "she has separation anxiety" or "x won't to that with her baby" or "x makes y wait until x is ready to feed y" and such, really does wear me down. I am usually a strong willed, confident person but sometimes I feel like I am doing all the wrong things by trusting my instincts and doing what comes naturally to me.

TBH I can't understand why people feel the need to make comparisons and criticisms, it is the least beneficial form of "support" , wouldn't be a hassle if it was at least constructive :lol:

Thank you all,I am so glad its a normal part of development and that she will grow out of it eventually and make everyone else feel better about themselves.

Nae x

Nae- i think you're doing a marvellous job and I think you have set the boundaries just right - at such a young age, of course they're going to want mum to settle them - its what they are used to, and at that age, they don't really need anyone else.
As for the sleep thing, DD was the same and would sleep much better on me if we were at home, so I would often just let her. It wasn't far past teh 16wk mark that I started noticing the difference with putting her down for sleeps. And DD is now a very happy and sociable 20month old.
I always find that my parents are happy to let us parent how we want, and its the InLaws that make comments etc. I wonder if its because I feel I can tell my parents straight how it is, and feel that I have to pussy-foot around the Inlaws?

If you have a happy, contented baby then keep going with your instincts! Something must be right.

How can you over mother?

Charlie wanted to basically superglue to me until about 6 months of age and wouldn't go to anyone. She didn't even like to be put on the floor. My child is happy and content now because I gave her the security she needed.

I ignore comments now.