my situation

I just needed to post my thoughts somewhere before my emotions get the better of me and this seemed like a good place to go.

I found out that I was pregnant around the end of Jan I was shocked because I was on the pill and wasnt planning on having a baby. But I was so excited once it set in that I was going to be a mother! My boyfriend was nervous but I figured he would eventually be excited. I remember the first thing that got me super pumped up and I had to call my mom right away was that the expected due date was 10-10-10 (and 10 is my favorite number)
I ended up having a miscarriage in mid Feb when I was about 7wks along.

I have cried a lot since then, sometimes randomly for no reason. My friends try to talk to me about it but they have no clue how I feel. They try to say things like 'it will happen for you some day" or "maybe it was for the best, it will happen when the time is right" or "at least it wasnt a planned pregnancy" It just makes me even sadder. I feel my sadness turning into anger and resentment.

I have resentment for the other people I know who are pregnant. I feel myself judging them and thinking I wouldve been such a better mother, wondering why my baby was taken and not theirs and I feel horrible for thinking that.

I feel like people expect me to be over it already someone I know even said she didnt know why I was so depressed because "I didnt know I was pregnant for that long and I didnt talk about it a whole lot when I was". I just want to scream because it doesnt matter to me how long I knew because from the second I found out I was excited to be someones mother, even if I didnt talk about it 24/7 (which i didnt because I didnt want to jinx anything, what good that did.) They dont know that I thought about it every second of the day; I even started thinking about the sex and names and our future. That was MY BABY and I just cant get over it right now.

I also feel resentful to my boyfriend because he isnt sad like I am. He even asked me a few days after it happened "arent you a little relieved?" I wanted to punch him. but I just walked out of the room and started crying. We have talked about it a few times but I still feel like he has no clue just how devistated I am.
I wasnt planning on having a baby anytime soon but since the miscarriage it is all I can think about and I want a baby so badly now. But he does not.
He keeps asking me to get back on the pill but I just cant do it! To me it feels like it will be a tiny daily reminder of what I feel was my failure.
We have had sex a few times since it happened but now he says he wont have sex with me until I get back on birthcontrol.

Ugh, I just dont know how to hadle all the sadness and anger im feeling, it is overwhelming at times.
Getting it out on here has kind of helped even though Im fighting the tears with every letter I type. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Hugs to you, sorry you are joining BB at such a sad time.

No matter if a preg planned or not and no matter how far along you are a loss is a loss and grief takes time to work thru, take your time cry till you can cry no more.

As for your partner I think you need to sit down and explain how you feel, if you dont want pill there is always condoms until you are both ready.

Hugs There is always someone here to listen

xoxo

I just wanted to give you a big :hug: I was in a similiar situation years ago, and I do know a little of how very, very much it hurts.

Welcome to BB. I wishe it were under happier circumstances, but I hope you find some solace here.

Klh311 I am so sorry about your loss of your little bubba. I don't really have much advise but wanted to give you a :hug:

As for your partner I don't know what you could do there. I can understand where both of you are coming from. I myself am still grieving from the loss of my pregnancy last year like it was yesterday and the fact I can't get pregnant again when I want that more then anything. But then I can see why your partner doesn't want to try again if that wasn't a plan you had for the immediate future. It sounds like a tricky one. Hope you work something out.

Thanks so much for the reply and all the :hug: and I am so sorry for your loss as well. Im sure we will figure something out, its just hard not being on the same page.

just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, I lost my little one at 9wks 5days, he wasn't planned and i had just got over the shock of bing pregnant again. MY DH at first said that he couldn't cope with the pain of losing another baby, but he has come round and wants try again as much as me.

This was your baby, it's Ok to feel angry and sad.

I hope you can both heal together andd you get your litle one x

:hug: I'm so sorry for your loss :hug:

Losing a baby, at any stage, or under any circumstance is just awful so grieve all you need to.

KLH - oh babe. I am so proud of you! Strange thing to say I know, but here is why. You had the courage to come to BB and share your feelings and thoughts. Know it is always a safe place here and we are always listening. I am also proud of you because you are adamant that you want and need to grieve for your precious little angel. As someone else said, a loss is a loss, You need to grieve, for your lost hopes and dreams, and for your angel. Do what you need to do to honour and remember your little one.

All of the feelings you described, are so normal for a grief journey.

It is hard for your boyf too, for different reasons. He has lost a child and a chance to be a father. Men and women greive differently, especially for losses that don't feel as tangible for the blokes as they do for you. It's not their body that is growing and nuturing a new life, they dont feel the changes to our body, they don't have to think about eating and drinking the right things or changing their behaviour. They experience those things only through you. That in itself makes their grief so different from yours. In my experience, they also tend to worry about us going through the heartache and pain and grief. They tend to what to try and fix it, and they can't, so they end up feeling quite helpless. For some men, they feel like bystanders during a very important time of your life. Depending on how emotionally mature they are or their upbringing, they may not show grief in the same way you do.

As hurtful and upsetting as his comments to you were, he at least had enough respect for you to be honest with you about his feelings. Try not to shut him down, because he might not be so willing to share in the future, and you might want and need him too.

I am not trying to "defend him", but I am just trying to share a little of what he might be experiencing. he is a bereaved parent too, even if he's not too sure about how to go about it. my advice? Talk to him and truly listen to what he has to say, even if its upsetting.

I was devastated when my DH told me he didn't want to try again after our most recent loss. After a few days, when I knew I would be able to talk to him and genuinely listen, he told me it was because he just couldn't bear to face seeing me suffer and not be able to fix it. DH came around to TCC again, when he saw that I was stronger and healing.

Grief is a really hard journey, and its easy to feel alone because women often don't talk about it openly and because, whilst all of us who have lost our precious little ones greive, we all walk our own journey. It can feel lonely at times. Best thing? Your friends can't understand. I have a personal view that to really understand how you feel, they either need to be really special or have suffered a loss themselves. Sadly they need you to guide them a little. So be honest with them and they will find their way through to help you heal. Most of them? They can't even imagine what you are going through and they will fumble their way through, often making mistakes. Guide them and if they are true friends, they will let you and in time they will learn.

There are going to be lots of times ahead, when all of a sudden you cry without apparent reason, or you feel angry or resentful. Go with those feelings. But also, if you find yourself laughing or smiling, don' feel guilty and go with that. In my opinion one of the greatest ways you can honour your little one, is to live your life, with all of its ups and downs. But if you find the dark feelings creeping in too often or they worry you - seek help. Lifeline has 24 hour ph counsellors, SIDS and KIDs and Bonnie Babes have counselling, or you can go private. As tough as it is right now, you are the only one, who knows you best and you are the one that must take care of yourself.

Sorry about the long post - seems I had more to say than I first thought. Take care.

KLH - my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Do not feel like you have to 'feel a certain way'. As I would say while I was (and still are) grieving, you feel what you feel. You can't and shouldn't have to justify or explain it. And do not listen to your friends, they just don't get it because they haven't been there. They probably think they are helping :( And no matter how sympathetic they could be, it's not the same if they haven't experienced what you have. And as for your bf, I agree with Dory, at least he trusts you enough to get the truth out there. My husband and I reacted very differently after we lost our baby. He didn't want to try for another baby because he was worried it would happen again. Sex changed for us. Keep your head up, you're in my thoughts x

Dory has some great words of advice/support so nothing I can really add but a :hug:

just wantef to send you big hugs and say how sorry i am for your loss! i hope you find the support you need here in BB!! Hugs to you

Em - thanks - hope you get a BFP soon and a sticky bub....sorry that your journey has been so hard. Not fair huh?

KLH - how are you doing today? Thinking of you.

Hi KLH and welcome to BB, even though it is under such devastating circumstances.

I'd like to tell you my story if that is ok, as I think it may give you a bit of hope.

I too know what it is like. When I got pregnant with my first angel at 17 while on the pill and using condoms, my BF at the time didn't want anything to do with it, and spent hours every day trying to convince me to end the pregnancy.
When we had our first scan at 6 weeks and 4 days we found out that our little bubba had serious developmental problems and would never have survived being born, so we were told to have a d&c because of our ages (I was 17, then BF was 18). He (I am sure he was a boy) was just 7 weeks 4 days gestation when I had the d&c. It was the worst day of my life.
Afterwards, no one would talk to me about it. If I brought it up people would tell me that 'it was my own fault' and that 'I had made the decision to have the d&c so I shouldn't complain about it', and that 'I should get over it', 'It'll happen again when you're ready' etc etc. No one ever asked how I was feeling or what I was thinking. No one asked what I wanted, no one gave me a hug or told me it would all be ok. The decision was taken out of my hands right from the beginning and I had no choice in the matter.

It affected me for years, and I still kept on trying for another baby, because I wanted
one soooooo bad, because my own little angel had been taken from me.

I had 3 mc's before I met my DH, and just 4 1/2 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant again with our DS. I was so shocked, I was on the pill and we were being very very careful. But obviously not careful enough. I was so scared that my now DH would leave me or insist that I end the pregnancy, but he didn't. He knew about my past history as I had told him not long after we met. I felt it was best to be honest with him.

We started actively trying for another baby in september last year, and had no luck until in January this year we got our elusive BFP, only to have it taken away from us when I started bleeding at 4wk+1d. Then, just a couple of weeks ago at we got our BFP again, only to have it taken away once more at 4wk+5/6d.

It is devastating every time it happens. Though the 2 this year have been worse that any of the others apart from my very first angel, because my DH and I wanted these 2 so badly.

Looking back I can now say that even though it hurts right now, and even for months and years later, it does get better. You still feel the pain and anger and resentment, and even guilt over maybe there being something that you could have done/not done, but you can manage it, and move past it.

Here is something that I said to another lady just last week (I now have it in my sig, to remind me everytime I am here on BB):
"I am stronger because I have been through so much pain & survived & my babies who have joined the angels are always with me to hold me up & keep me strong & to help me get through anything life throws in my path"

It is a very apt expression of what we have been through. I find repeating to myself gives me strength when I'm having a particularly bad day.

I hope that your BF can somehow understand how much pain you are going through at the moment, as even though your little angel wasn't planned it was still there, it still existed and it made a big impression on not only your life, but your BF's life as well.

Sending HUUUUUGE HUGS out to you!
Jen - xoxo

Hi darl, just wondering how you are going? hope you're doing ok *hugs*