My first time....

I never expected to be joining a forum under these circumstances,but who does?

I suffer from PCOS and endometriosis and just for the trifecta, I also had a uterine re-suspension about 3 years ago. Dr's had always told me that the chances of falling pregnant naturally would be pretty slim, I had previously attempted to fall pregnant on Clomid and Metformin, but was unsuccessful. My husband and I decided that we would start trying for a baby in October last year. Bye bye pill, hello we'll wait and see. I controlled everything that went into my mouth, exercised like a fiend and was the absolute healthiest and fittest I've been in my whole life.

By Feb, whamo, we found out I was pregnant.

I had all the symptoms, virtually from conception, awful all day sickness,fatigue, oh not to mention not being able to be to far away from a bathroom. You name it, it seemed I had it! When my blood tests were done my HCG levels put me at around 5-6 weeks, this was about the same as my dates.

I had an early appointment with my gynae (due to my history). He did an u/s and that's where our nightmare began. He could not see anything inside the sac. He was very reassuring that perhaps my dates were out by a couple of weeks (entirely likely due to my PCOS) or that due to scarring from surgery and endo, he just couldn't get a good view. He recommended that I come back in a couple of weeks so he could take another look. He also assured me that while ever I had morning sickness and all of the other symptoms, it was a good sign.

A week and a half later, I was admitted to hospital, severly dehydrated. As I had also had some very mild spotting, my gynae requested a vaginal u/s. To our surprise and delight it showed twin sacs (explained the elevated HCG levels and symptoms). To our dismay, it also showed that both sacs were likely empty (blighted ovums). The recommendation: wait another two weeks for a repeat u/s. My gynae, god bless his cotton socks, suggested we only wait a week, he would be happy to do an u/s in his rooms to assess the progress.

A week later. No change. By this stage, going by dates, I was around 7 1/2 weeks. He then booked me in for another u/s at the specialist clinic for a week and half later. He was very clear that if there was no change, there would be no point in drawing it out any longer, he would be adding me to his surgical list for the day after the u/s for a D&C.

It was a hell of a wait. We had all of our friends and family praying for, what we hoped, would be our two precious little babies. I was even bargaining with every possible greater being. Just hoping, wishing, begging for a miracle. By this time, I was even begining to show (I'm only 5 ft and very slight). I seemed to have filled out everywhere.

It was a wait that was not met with the outcome we so desperately wanted.

It was confirmed that they were blighted ovums (such a lovely term). We were crushed. I was added to the surgigical list for the following day. I was pregnant in the morning and I wasn't in the afternoon. That was last Tuesday. I would have been around 9 1/2 - 10 weeks.

Now, I am just feeling so confused. I didn't have a miscarriage. It was a termination and I didn't ask for it. I desperately wanted to be a mum, I deserved to be a mum and my husband deserved to be a dad. I keep wondering, if we had just given it one more week, if I had just pushed back and said no, I'll wait to see what happens. Would the outcome have been any different? Obviously, I understand that in reality, it wouldn't have. I had four different dr's give their opinions on the u/s, so they couldn't have all been wrong, could they?!

I feel really angry and resentful of my friends and family. I'm upset that none of them get it. They don't understand that I'm not ready to be around kids yet. I don't want to speak to my 13 month old nephew on the phone and I don't want to explain to my 3 y.o niece why I'm sad. They just seem to expect that I should be over it. It has only been a week a bit! Several of my friends have even said that I should be happy that I even fell pregnant to start with! Yes, it half happened (after all, there were no embryoes). Yes, we were stunned, surprised and completely excited. But, it doesn't mean that it will happen again. It also doesn't mean that another pregnancy won't have the same outcome. :wall:

Why do I feel so alone? Why is it that the rest of the world just seem not to understand how hard and confusing and down right cruel this whole situation feels? And why the hell can't some of these "helpful" friends just back off and keep their opinions to themselves?!

I'd really love to know if anyone out there, who has also had a pregnancy with the same outcome, experienced similar feelings to me? It's just so hard to comprehend why this happens...

Thanks so much for allowing me to vent! :crying:

I am so sorry for your loss :(

xx

I'm so sorry Becsta. People do not understand how it feels to go through what you have gone through and often don't think before they speak. Lock yourself away from the world for a tiny bit if you feel like it. But keep talking about it to those that do understand. Allow yourself to grieve for your lost precious ones. I'm so so sorry xx

:hug: Im so sorry for your loss Becksta, I had a very similar experience to you, but with only one sac, I found out at my very first US (at 9 almost 10 weeks) that the pregnancy had not progressed past 3-4 weeks.
Take the time you need to grieve, it doesnt matter that they were blighted ovums, in your heart and head they were your babies, you were dreaming, hoping and planning their futures already. Big hugs hun, BB is a great place to vent and talk. xx

Hi Becsta

so sorry to hear your story, what a horrible few weeks for you and your DH.

Just wanted to say that from your story, I think you did absolutely the right thing going ahead with the D & C. I know the feeling- I had no spotting or cramping but went ahead with the D&C, it felt so very wrong. Thankfully I was allowed a second ultrasound to confirm that there was indeed no heartbeat.
I've done a lot of reading on ultrasounds and if there was no change between your repeat ultrasounds then you can be certain there was no chance. I dont mean to be insensitive, but I hope that maybe I can bring you a little more certainty.

I agree that blighted ovum is a really insensitive term. I think 'anembryonic pregnancy' is nicer, if you want something to call it. There was still fertilisation, and so there was still life, and those lives deserve to have their mummy cry for them.

I'm sorry that your friends dont understand, but we're here for you and we totally get it. Would love to be there to give you a real hug and let you cry, but I hope the words on the computer screen can be a little comfort.

feel totally free to keep posting your feelings here when you need an outlet. I've been feeling a little like I dont want to burden people, but its really important, so please keep us up to date. We'll be thinking of you.

becsta - sweetie - you are a mother, and you did have the miracle of life growing inside you. You did have a miscarriage. And your loss, the loss of your precious twins is a loss that you need to mourn. All that happened was that your miscarriage was managed by d&c and not expectant management ( wait for m/c to occur without intervention). Sometimes for some reason it takes a while for our bodies to realise that our dreams haven't developed the way we hoped.

People don't understand, because they haven't been where you are. Grief can feel lonely. It's ok if you don't want to be around kids or pregnant women. It's ok to feel so confused and lost. It's ok to be agnry and resentful. It's ok to cry a lot.

There are great women in here at BB, some of whom have experienced loss, and some who haven't but just seem to know the right things to say. As lozzy said, come in here any time and just vent, no matter what it is. Don't worry about upsetting anyone in here.

Right now, you need to focus on you and give yourself room and time for healing. sadly this is a hard journey and dealing with family and friends can be the most difficult.

It is crushing when your family tell you that ( be thankful you got prengant etc) when you're hurting so much. One of my other favourites is " well its natures way", or "gods will or "are you still going on about that". JUST TO BE CLEAR I am not saying that to you,I AM just repeating some of the many platitudes people tend to throw my way. I hope you don't have to hear them for yourself, but my experiences tell me you probably will. I wish I could will your hurt away.

I know that's small comfort when your journey has been so hard already, and in time you will find your own way through this grief. I know you will.

Go gently.