Hi all,
So never in a million years did I think on a Saturday evening I would be sharing my story of loss on a forum. I have never been on a forum before and my wonderful husband helped me to do so, so here is my story and thank you for reading.
On the 6th of Feb 2010 my husband and I were having a wonderful day reading letters we had written to each other in England. 6 years ago we met, fell in love and named our unborn children our first to be a boy we named him Hayden Maxwell. So time passed we came home to Oz we got engaged, then married and of course then pregnant.
We had a great pregnancy no sickness and a boy so as he grew he was known by many as Hayden Maxwell. We had our 3 month scan and the moment I saw him I knew he was just like his Daddy peaceful, patient and kind. We kept waiting patiently for the arrival of our little man. We had a meeting with our obstriction at 38weeks and he was quiet large on Thursday the 4th and on Saturday the 6th I was not feeling Hayden as much as I had done previously so we made a call to the hospital and they asked us to come in just to check on him. My initial thought was excitement saying to my husband we are going into labour when we were driving in. I then had the ‘what if’s’. I tried so hard to not think the worst however we were given the worst news: our little mans heart had stopped beating and he was no longer with us.
The initial shock was painful, telling family was so hard and believing it ourselves was even harder. I did not know a great deal about stillborn babies let alone knowing you had to deliver one if it happened to you. Heartbreaking does not even begin to describe it.
When it came time I said to my husband this needs to be a 3 step process. We need to deliver him, we need to say hello and then we need to say good bye. This was easier said than done. I prayed and talked to our little man and asked him to not make it to hard and he needed to come that day as the thought of going home for 2 days waiting for my water to break scared me ever so much.
My water broke and I was so proud of our little man. My beautiful husband held my hand the whole time as we delivered our little big man Hayden Maxwell. The hardest thing for me was the only noise I heard in the delivery room was my husband crying when our boy finally came into this world.
So there he was a spitting image of his dad just perfect. We introduced him to our family; he shares the same birthday as my sister the 7th of Feb. We shared 2 days and 2 nights with Hayden became attached like any parent does, we had a naming ceremony and built precious memories that will last us a life time. We are in awe of the ripple effect Hayden has had on our lives and many others.
We miss him every day. Life is ever so different. Things that once seemed important are now of little significance. Anger, frustration, fear… these are all feelings that seem to be hanging around more often these days, but the one thing that we hold onto is hope. People say things happen for a reason and we wonder why however the answer will forever be unknown. We really want and will try again, however we are scared and I guess that is human nature.
So my question for anyone who has been in a situation like this have you gone on to have a successful pregnancy and if so mentally how do you get through the next one?
Thankyou for sharing my story I feel 100 kilos lighter writing this.
