Organising a funeral..

Hi ladies,

I am just wondering if someone can share some advice please.

My mother, for those that don't know, isn't very well (she's under palliative care for lung cancer) - however she keeps surprising everyone (Dr's and family) how long she has managed to hold on for. She has her up and her down days etc, as can be expected.

My dad keeps asking me to go over to his place to read some info he has picked up about funerals lately. I am kind of avoiding it - and almost feeling resentful that he brings up the topic often (well 2 - 3 times each week for the last fortnight).

So the other night he brings up the topic again whilst we were waiting to see mum at the hospice and I said that I'd like the hospital chaplain to perform the service as she actually knew mum (from the hospital she was at prior to being transferred) - and went and spoke to her often etc, prayed together etc. This hospital chaplain is absolutely lovely and told me out of ear shot from mum that she can perform services etc. Dad seemed happy with that, no worries.

Today he asks me about picking up the funeral stuff again.

I'm so over being put in this position. Mum is alive - I feel dad should ask her what she would like in her funeral - and pose it to her 'just in case something happens' IYKWIM? I don't like talking about her like she has passed on already...

What can I do? What should I do?

awwww hun, how awful :hug:

I would say something to your dad about talking to your mum about what SHE would like if anything were to happen.

:hug: Sorry you have to go through this :(

I don't know Leesa, but I couldn't read and not respond. :hug: :hug: :hug:

When my father died we found he had already spoken to the priest and indicated that he wanted a catholic funeral (Dad was not Catholic but mum and us are). It might be worth having a chat to the chaplain if she has spent some time with your mum, your mum may have discussed this with her.
Prayers and thoughts are with you. Take care.

:hug: Oh hun what an awful situation :(
Maybe it would be best to get your mum to write down all the things she would like and get her to seal it up and give it to you for the when the time comes, as awful as it seems I think I wouldn like to ahve a funeral the way I wanted iykwim?

Big huhgs I really hope you wont have to do it anytime soon :hug: x

:hug: Leesa.
I am wondering if this is part of your Dad's way of dealing with it all?
Are you able to talk to him about how you feel...ask him if he knows what she would like.
He might be finding it a hard thing to talk to her about, he might like for you or for the chaplain to talk to her if he can't.

Sending you lots of strength & comfort, you & your family are in my thoughts & prayers :hug:

I was going to say the same as Jasp.
It sounds like he sees you as his strength, and this is something that seems unbearable for him to deal with. Have you told him how you feel?
Could you perhaps contact the chaplain and have her speak to both your mum and dad?

:hug: My darling.

:hug: It's such a daunting thing to face, I can entirely understand your reticence.

I'm just wondering though, perhaps bringing it up is your dad's way of coping, perhaps he needs to do this in order to come to terms with her impending loss himself? Perhaps he's not talking it over with your mum because talking about her funeral arrangements is not something she's able to do in terms of her own acceptance of the inevitability of her condition.

My dad died of cancer almost two years ago, and there were many things him and mum simply didn't discuss, presumably because they were trying to cope with things as best they could in their own way, and also trying to protect each other from more pain.

Perhaps you can explain to your dad why it's so difficult for you to talk about the funeral arrangements, but that you will try your best to help if it's what him and your mum need. At least then he knows that it's something you are struggling with, but that you are willing to do what you can to support him and your mum. But from my own experience (and I say this without knowing your family dynamics so forgive me if it's not appropriate advice) I would be cautious about suggesting that he discuss it with your mum as it may not be something she can handle.

What you and your family are going through right now is one of the most heartbreaking things anyone will ever go through, and I send you strength and love to help you through it. :hug:

Be honest with your Mum and tell her you want to know how she wants her funeral to be conducted for when the time comes. I have done this with my Mum and we have it all written down as to what she wants and doesn't want.
You will probably find she has been thinking about this.
When my Dad was dying from cancer he talked about how he wanted his funeral conducted and where he wanted to be buried. It was hard but it also made it easy as we were able to do it how he wanted it.
You are in my thoughts as you go through this trying time. :)

Sweety, I too think that maybe you could ask your mum what she would like?
Chances are, she's thought about it a lot and may be too scared to bring it up with you. If you bring it up gently with her, it might be a good thing.
:hug: and more :hug: for you
xxx