What am I doing wrong? Can you help?

Hi ladies, I hope that someone can help as I am worried about my beautiful boy.

Our DS1 is a beautiful happy little bub, 4 and a half months old but he seems really scared at times and freaks out if people try to hold him. He will smile at people in the shops and seems ok most of the time when people talk to him from a distance but if anyone gets up too close or picks him up he gets really upset. Sometimes his bottom lip drops and then he starts to cry, a really upset cry, other times he screams. This has been going on for about 6 to 8 weeks now and I am getting really concerned. I have tried leaving him with whoever is holding him although my natural instinct is just to take him straight back when he gets upset but I have tried leaving him with the other person and getting up close and talking to him telling him he is ok and that I am there but he only stops crying when I take him back. Sometimes he calms down straight away but other times he is really worked up. I can't pick when this is going to happen as sometimes he will happily sit on someone's lap but the next time we see that person he will scream?!

He has always had a very strong startle reflex & while this has settled a little he is still very 'jumpy'.

We live in a very happy home. My DH and I are happily married and never raise our voices. I do like peace and quiet so the house is fairly quiet most of the time but I play kids music CDs and put the TV on sometimes (I can’t stand it on all the time during the day). We play lullabies when he sleeps and we play them quite loud. We spend lots of time playing with him and reading books, singing songs, lots of massage and lots and lots of kisses and cuddles (maybe too much?! I can’t seem to stop myself kissing him all the time).

He goes to bed without a problem, I wrap him, pop his music on and put him in his cot wide awake and he smiles at me when I give him big kisses then I tell him I love him and leave the room and he just goes to sleep.

I really don’t know what to do about how he reacts to other people, I thought it was just something that he would grow out of as he got used to other people but I go to my mum and dads at least once a week and, without fail, he cries when they pick him up and sometimes even when they talk to him. It makes me really sad as I so badly want everyone to see what a happy, lovely little bubby he is but all they seem to see is that he has a piercing scream.

At home, the only time he really cries a lot is if he is overtired. He whinges if I leave him alone in the room too long (while I have a shower) or if I give him too much tummy time but it’s pretty easy to know what the problem is and he stops whinging once I amuse him or take him off his tummy. The only reason he really gets worked up and we have a complete meltdown at home is if I have kept him up too long and he is really overtired, then he screams and it takes me a while to settle him but this happens less often now that I am better at reading his tired signs.

I really want to try to fix this now as I am worried that it is getting worse, not better. I have a friend who has an 18month old who won't go to anyone else and turns his head away when anyone other than family speaks to him and I really don't want DS to be like that.

I know this is a long post and if you have go this far and have any advice at all I would be so so grateful. Last thing, I have left him with my mum & dad 3 times when I had no choice but to leave him with someone and all 3 times he was ok so it really seems to be just when I am there. I am being told that this is behaioural and that I should 'nip it in the bud' now otherwise I will 'create a rod for my own back' :rolleyes: I really just want to do what will be best for DS in the long run. Please help....

Happy Chick - it sounds like he is having seperation anxiety which is completely normal for a baby of his age. It is not something that you have to "nip in the bud" as it is a developmental phase and he will grow out of it in his own time. DD1 suffered this from 10 weeks to about 8m old so it did go on for a long time - she would only go to me, DP and my mum. She grew out of it and is a happy outgoing girl now.

Ahh Happy Chick, I looked and then came back :hug:
I have a niece who did exactly the same thing as your DS. Nothing is wrong with her and she is a normal healthy little girl.
As a baby no-one could hold or even look at her without her crying. The only one's that she was good for were her Mum and most of the time her Dad.
Unfortunately there was nothing anyone could do, she got better with time. She is very much a mummy's girl and can still be a little quiet and shy around people, she is 4 now, as I said this is just her personality.

Her parent's too are easy going loving people.

If you are very concerned I would talk to your MHN and see if they have any tips or advice.
He sounds like a normal health happy little boy, just loves his Mummy and Daddy.
I can only suggest you just keep going with what you are doing, it will get better.

My oldest boy went throuugh this to its a seperation thing i was really worried sometimes he wouldn't even go with dad unless he could see me.(spends every second he can with dad now couldn"t care less were i am) and we also very happy quiet home.
it went on for almost 2 years with varying behaviors as he grew he hated people looking at him in pram would scream at them or give them this evil little look people would look straight at me oh hes not happy! but just hated people in his space.
Would be really upset if i left the room and as he got to be a toddler didn't like to play alone needed me to be with him and would wake in the night wanting me to be in his room.
i was really worried like you are especially when it continued to go on into the toddler stage! But i just continued to take him out to places with people and do activitys as he got older to build his confidence. he is now 7 and is a very independent and confident child loves school and socialising with others took awhile but he grew out of it so i was worried for nothing!
enjoy the the cuddles and closeness of your relationship while hes so little before you know it he will be all grown up and telling you to leave him alone

my friend has a DD about 2 weeks younger than my DS & she's only just growing out of this now. until a couple of weeks ago, she'd scream everytime they visited someone's house (although didn't happen if they were at a shopping centre etc, just houses) and she'd have to be held until she went to sleep. she also wouldn't let anyone other than her mum & dad pick her up. she's only just letting her grandma pick her up & hold her now.

my DS used to do a similar thing when he was tired or a bit out of sorts - he still pretty much wants me when he's tired but is okay if he can't see me.

i don't know that there's anything you can do, just let it ride it's course & be as comforting & reassuring as you can so he gains confidence along the way :)

ah babe, you aren't doing anything wrong. He'll come round, it's truely just a stage. Some kids are just like that. I'm up to my second and he's only just coming around to going to his dad consistently.
My DD was shocking at it to the point where people blamed me, and would walk away with her to prove that I was the one doing the wrong thing.
She is now a bright outgoing, friendly, little girl.
Adults get quite taken aback when forced to face/deal with their fears, so why one earth do we force it on small defenceless children?

Thanks so much for reading my post and for your replies, it is comforting to know that it is not just DS and that he will get better as he gets older.

Kim, thanks for your comments, that is what people are doing to me, trying to walk away with him and making me feel like it is something I am doing to make him be like that :shakehead:

I have told my DH tonight...no more! Bad luck if other people don't like it, he will adjust in his own time.

Thanks again for your help :)

You're welcome....oh and welcome to BB ;)

Don't stress about him at all.... My eldest was exactly like that. Even as a toddler he still didn't like strangers coming up to him. I used to think it was hilarious that a stranger would come up and try to engage him in a conversation then say something stupid like, oh doesn't he talk. It was more a case of actually he just hates people who he doesn't know shoving their face in his personal space! He was a lovely chatty and friendly little boy with people he knew and trusted but with anyone else, he would just look at me as if to say "WTF??"