Have to teach DS to self-settle by August?

I am desperate for advice. My son is due to start daycare two days a week in August, when he will be 1 year old. If he cannot self-settle by then, they will use controlled crying at nap times, which I do not want for him. I can't stand the thought of him alone and screaming for comfort and being ignored. I need to teach him to self-settle before then.

Some background: he is fed and/or rocked to sleep both for bedtime and naps. He usually wakes two or three times during the night but goes back to sleep easily with a bottle. We partially co-sleep-- he sleeps in his cot for naps, and I put him in his cot when he goes down at around 6pm, but after his first waking during the night I bring him into my bed with me.

I don't mind the night wakings, so I don't necessarily need a method that will get him sleeping through the night, or even one that will get him to go to sleep on his own at bedtime, as I really don't mind parenting him to sleep. I just need to teach him to self-soothe for naps.

He has a bedtime routine (dinner, bath, story, bottle. He usually goes to sleep during the feed but if not I rock him to sleep) but he doesn't really have a nap time routine other than a bottle and rocking. He always sleeps with white noise, but I suppose I'll have to cut that out at nap time too, since he won't have it at daycare.

I would really appreciate any advice. If someone could recommend a method for teaching him to self-settle that doesn't involve leaving him to "cry it out", I'd be really grateful.

Hi Talialee,
Just wanted to recommend the book Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall, it has a routine and method for self settling that is not controlled crying, and ideas for what to do up to 2 years, it might give you some ideas. I see there has been some criticism on this site about it, particularly about the routines, however you can take the best of it and use what works for you. My girls are just on 8 weeks and sleeping 10pm to 6am with not a peep out of them during the night. Wishing you all the best xx

Wow.. Both childcare centres I have had DD in were happy to rock her to sleep if she didn't fall asleep on the bottle.. Did they say they will only do control crying?

But I am not much help on teaching a child to self settle. I have a 2 yr old that still requires us to lie with her to go to sleep, and a DS who has always liked being put in his cot (screams blue murder if I try and rock him to sleep)..

Can you find a different place for you child? It can be hard to leave your child in daycare as it is, worse if you know their practices are not in accordance with your wishes. They seem very inflexible... (don't mean to sound critical of you, it's just this is something that would worry me is all :hug:)

You might find some of the advice in Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution helpful - it's very practical but with no controlled crying advice. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and your DS - some kids really just take a long time to get there, you know? DS is only just now getting the hang of it - believe me, we tried all sorts of things but he just needed that parenting to sleep for a long time.

All the best~~

Can I ask a different question - do you have other child care options? I don't have my DD in child care but from what my friends who use CC say, the places they use are respectful of your parenting and would not use controlled crying if you did not feel comfortable with it.

If you are tied to that particular CC, maybe ask them if they'd be willing to be a bit more gentle with your DS? Give him a cuddle?

I think it'll be a bit tricky to teach DS to self-settle for day naps but not night sleeps... you might find it all or none!

Oh and definitely try Tizzie's book but I would still consider that a form of controlled crying. The other person to check out is Pinky McKay, but I don't think she does routines as such.

I really hope you can sort something out that works for all of you! Good luck!

Hi :)

I was nursing my boy to sleep too, (from birth) but found if I put him in to his cot as soon as he was in that first stage of sleep and not a deep sleep, he was kind of getting himself used to putting himself to sleep iykwim?

I also got him used to a 'sleep aid', a silky and soft cuddly toy blanket from Target and now he just has a 'whiff' and a cuddle of it at sleep times and he's ready to go down :)

Thanks everyone, I will definitely check out the books and methods you guys recommended.

As for the centre, my sister works there and she told me they practice controlled crying; I assumed that meant as a matter of policy for all babies, and thought it must be that way in most childcare centres. Now that I know that's not the case I will definitely ask her tomorrow if they are inflexible about it or if I could get them to compromise.

Otherwise I will look around at other centres, now that I am better informed. I just assumed that controlled crying was the norm; I'm glad I was wrong!

:hug: I agree with some of the PP about that not being common practice. DD's CC goes along with whatever works for each child on the parents recommendation. In fact they do not like doing CC at all as if they put a baby down to sleep int he nursery and its going to cry and scream, then its just going to wake up all of the otehr babies sleeping in the nursery at the time. :hug: Hope your sister is understanding

Hi, i have worked in the childcare industry for nearly 8 years now and due to moving about have worked in several different centres. All of the centres i worked in we were told to sit and comfort the child till the are alseep. This may mean rocking, gently patting there back, stroking their faces or pretty much any method used by the parents.
Most childcare centres provide enough staff so that at sleep times there are staff available to sit with children who are not yet self settlers.

I hope this help.

Talialee, how did you go with the centre? My DS started daycare recently and they get him to sleep the same way I do - with cuddles, rocking and patting to sleep. I covered this with them before I booked him in because I didn't want him left to cry as he doesn't self settle. I would have taken him elsewhere if they told me they do CC.
Hope you were able to sort this out with them.

I can higly recommend No Cry Sleep Solutions, it really aligned with us and our commitment to gentle methods.

I also want to say that I have worked in two centres (am still working in one :)), and at both centres we follow a very strict policy of comforting a child, and NEVER leaving a child who is distressed to cry it out under any circumstance. I hope you have other care options in your area, I can't imagine how hard it would be to drop your child off and spend the day wondering if your child is being made to cry it out. :hug:

Controlled crying in CC is pretty rare, actually (I've worked in a couple more centres than Leash ;) and have only ever seen once place that does it) for more than one reason:

* Most centres claim to follow home routines where possible
* Leaving children to cry is not best practice
* It stops other children from settling.

If they want to do it, and you're not happy about it, I will give you some ideas on who you can write complaint letters to to make them do it your way.

Good luck.

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to update the thread and let you guys know that you were all, of course, absolutely right. My controlled crying fears were totally off base, thank god!

I actually took Caden in to the centre yesterday; we dropped in on my sister and then spent a bit of time in the babies room. As it turns out, they do use controlled crying, but only on babies whose parents indicate that that is what they do at home. They will stick as best as possible to Caden's own routine, including settling and sleeping.

I feel SO MUCH better now; thank you all for correcting my assumption and prompting me to look into it.

We have happily gone back to our cuddling/rocking naptime routine, with some changes. I'm not waiting until he's deeply asleep before putting him down, now; I've been putting him down partially awake. I'm going to start phasing out the white noise, too, to make the transition easier for him, and I've had to put an end to the co-sleeping as he is now crawling like a champ, and I'm afraid he'll crawl down to the end of the bed while I'm asleep and fall off!

Thanks again for the advice; I'm happy to know I was freaking out over nothing! :D

oh I am so glad! I was horrified by your first post LOL