Feeling lost

I just posted in the general discussion before realizing it had been dead a while. I didn't want to start my own thread, I just need somewhere on bb to hang out. I miss my belly buddies and I'm not ready to join a ttc group so I'm missing the company!

I just had my d&c last Friday after finding out that my 9 week baby had no heartbeat. It was weird, I'd been to see my Ob at 8 weeks and he was totally happy with everything. I had only very mild nausea which he said was fine but I was feeling so paranoid so I asked for another ultrasound (I'd had one at 5 weeks to check it was not ectopic again but it had been too early to see much). I thought I was just being silly but I wanted to hear the heartbeat. Because of Easter I couldn't get my scan until 9w2d. I wasnt even going to take DH along but he took a long lunch break to come see our bub. I really was not expecting for the sonographer to tell me there was no heartbeat. It measured just under 9 weeks so it must have passed away over the Easter weekend. I never had any spotting or cramping. If I didn't request that scan and if it hadn't been delayed a few days, who knows when my body would have told me that I didn't have a baby?!?!

I'm still really raw emotionally, yesterday just putting the benefibre away brought on some fresh tears (weird how we miss even the most uncomfortable symptoms).
I keep trying to analyse what would be an appropriate level of greif for a 9week loss. I know it's still first trimester and I cannot even comprehend what it would be like to lose one later or to lose a young child. I know everyone's greif is different and totally valid, but I'm such an over-analyser and I feel like I just want someone to tell me how to feel!

I've got a great support network IRL (I had just told some more family and close friends I was pregnant the day before the scan) but I feel like I need a support home here on bb where people will understand that these things take a lot of time to heal.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading that so much. I am really resisting and resenting having to replan the months and years ahead without my baby. This pregnancy was PERFECT timing for us, but now... urgh I hate thinking about it! Even planning the days ahead is hard. I just want to stay here in bed under the covers and never emerge.

:hug: Im so sorry for your loss Hon, your story brings back so many memories for me, I was in your place, wow, almost 3 years ago now.
I dont think there is any proper amount of grief or mourning for ANY type of loss, everyones deals with these things differently, an early loss is still a loss and to you that baby was a baby, your head and heart were full of joy and dreams and planning and thinking what would happen....and now suddenly that is gone....I know how hard that is, Im glad you have support IRL, BB is fantastic in this instance too. Thats how I found BB.
Keep talking, having your own thread is a good thing, posters can keep up to date with whats going on with YOU, and any time you need , just pour your heart out.
Big hugs for you, take your time to heal. xxx RIP little angel...fly free... xx

So sorry for your loss :hug:, I hope talking here has helped you a little. Take time to grieve in any way you know how.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks

Oh Lozzy, I couldn't read and not reply. I am so sorry. Any amount of grief you feel, be it a small amount, that ebbs it's way in and trickles over you, or a huge amount, that crashes over you and suffocates you, or anything in between, is valid. I lost my first baby at 8 and a half weeks, and I still feel the grief of that loss. It is the grief of your baby, but it also the grief of the future; all the possibilities that have been lost. A future that was so certain, so well planned out and so happily anticipated, is no more. That is hard. So take your time to grieve in whatever way you feel necessary - try not to question whether you should be feeling 'this' or 'that'. Draw support from your family, your dh, your friends, and all the women here at bb who are thinking of you :hug:

:hug:Oh Lozzy, I am still so sorry and shocked that this has happened. You are very missed in belly buddies too. I know how hard it is and that it must feel like the pain will never go away, I don't think it ever does, but it does become less of a daily thought as time goes on. I remember taken out my fustrations on a big bottle of orange juice not long after my 2nd MC and crying for what felt like days afterwards. I then found it so much easier to talk about and the talking helped me grieve and I wont say move on because I don't think we do, but keep going. I still think about my losses but when I hold my DD I know that everything happens for a reason and I know when the time comes for you to one day have a H&H pregnancy you will feel the same way too.
3rd time lucky worked for me and I will hope and prey that it works for you too. DD was born on the same day a MC one year later and she is my peace. Yours will come too. :comfort:

I am so sorry for your loss :hug:

Take your time and talk all you need to, we are here to listen and support you through this very difficult time. Fly free sweet Angel :angel: xxoo

Oh hun I'm so sorry your baby is now playing in the clouds with all the other angel babies :hug:
I can't give you any indication of how much grief you are going to feel but whatever it is that you are feeling this very second,minute,hour,day, or week is perfectly normal.
please take things easy when you go back to work and please don't expect too much from yourself :hug:
I lost my 5th little angel 3 weeks ago and am struggling with the fact that I'm going back to work next week (I was kinda lucky I had the school hols off otherwise I would have been back last week).

Anyway please chat or vent away as often as you feel the need too and please know you have many people here on BB who support you and care for you :hug:

Lozzy- sweetie. I am so sorry that your much loved baby is now an angel baby. Glad Dh was there with you. There is no right or wrong amount to grieve, just what is right for you. You will find your own way. Don't underestimate your loss. a loss is a loss. It hurts and grief is a hard journey.

Take care at work tomorrow. Is there someone at work you can talk to, who can run interference for you - by that I mean can tell people about your loss and who can stop people getting to much for you? People will want to wish you well if they know, but sometimes those first few weeks back at work, all you want to do is keep your head down and just get through the day until you can go home. Well intentioned it might be but the well wishers are hard work. If you don't feel like you are coping, tell someone and go home. This is no time to be a matyr, this is the time to focus on you and be a little selfish. You need time to heal. You need to be your number one priority.

Go gently.

thanks so much, you girls are so awesome.

I was doing ok last night and this morning but I had to go out to medicare and groceries today and I really struggled (you know its been a tough few weeks when you get more back from medicare then you could possibly spend on groceries!!)

I'm feeling really flat and also very crampy today which doesnt help. I guess I'll be up and down but right now I'm down.

I really do need to go back to work tomorrow as much as I am trying to convince myself that I can just live on my couch forever. None of them knew I was pregnant so I really don't want to tell them about my loss. I just told my boss I was off with a medical issue (which she then forwarded around to everyone, grr) I'd been sick with a throat infection the week before so just going to let them think that got worse.

Today I made a jpg with my favourite poem from the poems page and bought a photo frame to put it in. I'll keep it on my dresser as a memorial. I still have to collect everything from the pregnancy into a box which I'll keep away for days I need to cry.

anyway, thanks again for all your thoughts.

Lozzy - how you doing today? I hear you about medicare. Before my journey started I had no idea there were so many prams in medicare. It always felt so surreal going there in the immediate aftermath.

Hope you are doing ok today.

Your memorial sounds so pretty. Hope you find a nice box for some of the mementos. One of my friends gave me this really nice wooden box. It is so beautiful. I would never have thought of giving a box as a gift, but I really treasure it. In fact you have inspired me, time to go be with my memories.

Oh darl, I just wanted to send you and your DH some HUGE HUGS!

I'm sooo sorry for the loss of your little angel! I wish there was something I could do to take all the pain away and to make you and your DH feel better :(

Take good care of yourself darl, I'll be thinking of you, your DH and your little angel!

Lozzy, how did going back to work go today? Just an idea, no one from work knew that I'd been pregnant when I went back either. However, when I went in I was feeling really low and actually told one of the ladies there. They were really supportive and shared that they'd had a miscarriage too. She now checks up and asks how I'm going every few days which makes being at work much better. It's nice having someone there who understands. Just a thought for you if you think it will work in your situation. (BTW, the lady I shared with wasn't my closest friend at work, it was just the person closest when I was feeling upset).

:hug:

Update from me. Lots of rambling sorry but I do find it theraputic!

Went back to work on Wednesday. The first day was awful, one lady who'd known about my ectopic guessed right away what had happened. She said is it another one o those things you dont want to talk about? I wish I'd said that I do want to talk about it, but oh well. Another friend, who is well-meaning but cheeky asked if maybe I'd had time off cos I was pregnant. Another lady i did talk about it with, because she told me that she is pregnant! I wasn't to sad about that though cos I'd kinda guessed it so was glad to be proved right!

Thursday and Friday I was so busy and the distraction pulled me out of my slump just a little. But on Thursday I had awful cramps and really big clots. I realised the doctor had not given me nearly enough info on what to expect or what is abnormal. I ended up ducking into casualty and getting them to take my blood pressure. It wasn't too bad but they still wanted me to stay an get fluids. I didn't have time (was at work till 2:30am anyway!). Thankfully one of the doctors at my work was able to tell me that drinking Gatorade would probably do the trick so I drank 2 bottles and kept going. Felt fine and the clotting stopped so I'm glad I didn't waste time waiting for the doctor at casualty.

Major TMI... One of the clots was not just blood, it was definately tissue (probably just uterine lining) but I thought I should keep it in case things got worse and they needed to know what was going on. I forgot to ask for a specimen jar at casualty so I had to make my own, thankfully found some formalin in the chemical room! But now it's all stopped I don't know what to do with my big clot! I guess i just throw it away?? I don't see it as anything to do with my baby so it has no emotions attached.

Yesterday I went to see some friends getting married. I didn't realise it would be the first time I'd seen some of my close friends who know about my loss. That was tough, but good to get some hugs. I was doing well with holding back the tears until my pastor asked if I was doing ok. I'm still not sure if he actually knows what happened or could just tell I was sad, but his caring made me lose it and I had to run outside sobbing! Oops!

We babysat my friend's 1yearold last night. I thought that would be hard emotionally but it was really nice. She is so great too, not a single tear and she didn't peep once I put her to bed. Changed my first nappy too haha thankfully just a wet one :)

Last night in bed I read all the poems on the forum again and had another massive cry. I kind of want the pain to fade but on the other hand I'm scared to lose it. I don't ever want to lose the significance of the life we lost. The poems I like best are those that tell me that I am a mother now, even though I will never meet my child. I am changed forever.

Oh Lozzy, I'm still thinking of you!

It sounds as if you are doing ok and that is great.

Take care:comfort:

Lozzy - honestly, you sound like you are just doing as best you can and are going normally. Isn't it weird that someone showing you some kindness can bring on a wave of sobbing? But it's nice to know that people care about you. In time, you'll get better at managing their concern.

About the clot? I have kept mine in the fridge until I was sure I didn't need them. More than once I asked my SIL who is a pathologist to examine it. I think DH thinks I was a bit weird, and a couple of times asked "what's in here?"....

You are a mother, and you are forever changed. Keep being honest to yourself and all aspects of your life will have their moments of overwhelming sadness.

Go gently.