funerals, death and the in-law role

Hi all

DH's grandparents are in their 90's and just recently been moved into a nursing home. Today we got a phone call from DH's mum to say that the nursing home dr has said that DH's grandfather has around 3-4 days left.

I'm confused at to what my role is and how I should handle things in the time to come, and am in need of some help.

DH is an only child. Its his mum's dad. DH's family has a strong maternal role, where the women seem to take charge, and deal with everything. MIL is highly stressed (which very normal, shes that kind of person!), and she is her parents power of attorney.

It may sound strange, but I know that they have lived a great life, and I am saddened to think that they won't be around much longer, and I cannot handle the idea of death even so.
So today instead of a normal reaction, I realise that DH will play a part in the funeral, so I had better get his suit dry cleaned. I need outfits for the girls to wear, something for me to wear. I should be making meals for DH parents and so on.....

So suppose what I am asking is: what do you think is the role of the 'in-law' in this scenario?


Thank you

Justine

I'm not too sure tbh. When my DHs nana passed away very suddenly (she died 2 weeks before our wedding) all I could do was just be there for support for him. Little did I know, I was asked to be a part of the funeral too, which reduced me to tears. DH spoke for his side of the family (it was his mums mother) and one of his cousins talked for her side of the family (he's only got one uncle)
After he talked, he broke down. They were so close that it was heartbreaking. But, as I said, all I could do was be there for support, and offer support to those who need it.

I remember asking my MIL if she needed anything every single time I saw her. She got a little annoyed at me asking all the time, so I stopped. But I made sure that each time I saw her, I'd give her a hug, or I'd make her a coffee.

:hug: I hope what I said has come through as the right thing you wanted to know :hug:

I would say that as your DH is an only child, you may end up supporting your MiL as well as him. If you are willing to do that. It would be nice if you could have a mini-holiday with the PiL in the house nearest to the funeral, you let MiL and DH talk about the grandfather while you cook the meals. Not the best job and it will be thankless at the time, but it will be REALLY appreciated later.

I'm so sorry to hear that.
You know, I don't think there are defined roles when it comes to funerals.
When my Sister's FIL passed away (though quite unexpectedly) she ended up doing much of what needed to be done. Her DH is not an only child, but no-one else seemed to be able to manage. She did all the funeral ringing around, arranged all the speakers, the wake etc. Her MIL was very grateful to her.
See if you can offer help. Whether it be physical support (assitance with driving, arrangements, heck even housework or a meal or three) or just letting her know you're there.
I'm certain she'll appreciate it either way.

thanks ladies;

I am definately going to be there for DH and his mum, dad, aunt, cousins and so on.
I think its just that I feel a little odd. I don't know exactly what my role is and how I should act. Am I meant to be the strong one who looks after everyone, MIL is a stress freak and I know she will just do everything by herself, with the whole nursing home thing I have offered my help and she tells no everytime. I want to help, but I don't where to start.
Im not sure I even know what to say. Aarghh!

thank you

Justine

In our family the role would be to sort of just fade into the background and just keep the rest of the world running IYKWIM.

Make sure that there is plenty of food and tea and coffee etc and that the dishes are always done and that the kids are occupied and just give your MIL and DH and everyone else the time to do the other things that they want to.

Maybe tell your DH that you were planning on doing X but that you are happy assist with anything that he wants. So that way he can say "Mum, why don't DW and I do X, Y and Z to take some pressure off"

I can imagine that it will be harder with your DH being an only child. He will probably have a larger role than if there were loads of kids to share it around with IYKWIM.

Good luck and :hug: to you and your family. It can't be an easy time for any of you.

When any of my DH family member's have past, I have just been there for him, and listened to the family speak about the person etc.

The only thing I really did behind their backs was organised a sporting team he loved to meet up with his brother. They were all so appreciative I did this. Other then this, like I said, I was there just emotionally for them

Maybe you could ask if there is anything they would like you to do or organise, and just be there for them. And especially your DH.

Sorry, you, your DH and his family are going threw this hard time.

I guess, when it happened here, my MIL didn't need us to be strong, because she really is a strong lady. But, in your situation, I'd say be strong when you are around her, and DH, and then when your either on your own or with DH, just let it out. You can't keep it bottled up. If my experience is anything to go by (I bottled everything up until I went into a massive rage at work :redface:) don't keep it bottled up!

More :hug: