What to do with my teenager

My eldest son is 14 and lately his behaviour and language are becoming so bad that I am ready to pack his bags and send him to his Dad's. I know that this sounds extreme and it is but I'm al my wits end as to what to do.

On Saturday he had football, we were all up inside and getting ready when Joel came through the back door and abused/swore at us for not waking him up as he had to be there at 8.50am, this was for warm up not the game. However, he forgot and thought that was game time, eventually after trying to get him to settle and telling him several times that he had plenty of time and kick off was later he settled. Well sort of.

Jump forward to 9.20 and he still isn't ready. We drive him to the game where he has to pay hise registration fees beofre he can play and now the game is about to kick off, he goes and pays and the lady "takes forever" he comes back to car screaming and swearing because now it's too late and he won't be able to play. We tell him to hurry up, put his shorts on and go down. This results in a huge outburst of screaming and swearing.
DP gets out of the car and takes Noah with him eaving me to deal with it.

I get called every name under the sun at which point I loose it and tell him he can **** walk home as I want nothing to do with him. Not nice I know but hey.

Anyway trying to cut this all day event shorter we have another outburst that night when we were leaving to go to Noah's party, we leave the house with him at home. I tell him to call his Dad to come and pick him up.

I guess what I want or need to know is what can I do to fix this. I don't know what to do. It seems whenever I mention this to anyone they then look down on Joel and while I know he is being a turd he is also my child. It would be so easy just to send him to his Dad, but then what am I doing, I am turning away my child whenever he has issues. I have tried talking to him and it is to no avail. He likes to bash up his younger brother (12 yo) and generally likes to throw his weight around.

This is causing problems in my house with my DP and I too. He can't handle seeing the way Joel is treating me but doesn't like to say anything because of the backlash so instead he just tells me he will just leave then because he doesn't want to put up with it.....

As you can see I have a dilema.

Trish, Joel sounds just like one of my younger brothers at that age. He would fly off the handle at the littlest thing and hurl abuse at anyone who tried to help him. Mum was at her wits end too and would loved to have sent him to Dad (my parents are divorced), but like you said, he was still her child and she would deal with him.

Does he have any strong influences among his friends? If there are, maybe he is just mimicking what he has seen them do with their parents.

If you have tried to talk to him to no avail, what sort of relationship does he have with his Dad, could he talk to him? Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you because your his Mum and you're a girl IYKWIM?

Another thing, is he just like this at home or is it school too? What do his teachers think?

I really wish I had something more to offer you, but I think perseverance and just letting him know you are there and will support him no matter what might help and also trying to get through to him what this could possibly do to your family (If DP leaves).

Take care Trish

oh Trish, thats terrible! Im sorry your feeling like this, but I'm sure it will pass.
I think thats just the joy of teenagers. Sorry, not being much help, but I'm sure you'll work it out. Good luck.

Trish

I am so sorry that Joel is being such a horrible teenager...but they all do it! I have been through heaps of the terrible teen stuff with friends and to say its total hell is an understatement!

They all go through the blame everyone else for their behaviour! Anything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault, usually the parent at hand and you cop the abuse for it!

Most of my friends have ended up speaking rationally to their kids, telling them that they are old enough to be responsible for their own time management and that you are not to blame! They also got their kids into see the school counsellor, sometimes kids open up a little more with a stranger and most of the time the counsellor will let you know if there are any huge issues that you should know about and deal with!

I know that you love your son heaps, but at times it becomes too much to handle and is easier to try and walk away and get some perspective!

I am going through heaps with my almost 13 y/o daughter and its soooo hard, but I know that we will get there eventually!

I hope that things work out for you!

Thanks so much for your replies girls.

Dinky, I am seriously thinking about calling up the school and asking the counsellor to talk to him. I know I will cop abuse for doing that though too.

I hope all goes well for you with your daughter too.

Sheri, I called his dad yesterday for him to have a talk to him. Apparently he had been good over there. Hmm probably coz he got it all out here. Anyway I am going to call him back today to find out if this discussion actually happened. I asked Joel this morning if his Dad had spoken to him and apparently not. :dunno: I have tried talking ot him about the effect he has on the household and the tension he causes then he says that it's not his fault either.

I can only hope that he does grow out of this. I know it could be worse, he doesn't drink or smoke or take drugs. He doesn't wag school or steal things (that I know of) so yeah it could be a whole lot worse. I just want to nip it all in the bud before it gets there.

Hi Trish,

My little sister did this with our Dad and got "sent" to live with me - so I have dealt with this kind of stuff too.

Is it possible there is an underlying issue that is generating this behavior? Could he be struggling at school, bored at school, getting bullied, be struggling with the seperation of his parents, you meeting someone new, the birth of a little sister? None of these things are your fault so PLEASE don't think that, but sometimes they can trigger behavior issues in children and teenagers. If you can find the underlying issue and address that, it should go a long way in helping his behavior.

Someone else suggested counselling which is a great idea. We put my sister in counselling and it helped her heaps. The other option is anger management "classes" which might help him learn more appropriate ways of dealing with his frustrations. If you contact your local community health care centre (or council) they should be able to direct you to classes and venues.

I hope this works out for you. It can be so hard when teens act out. Hang in there.

MG

MG, DP and I have been together for nearly 6 years so not thinking that is the issue or the younger siblings. Not sure what it is that he has a bee in his bonnet about though.

Joel was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of about 4 and was medicated up until the beginning of year 7. He simply then refuse to take his tablets anymore. Pretty much since then things have been getting worse.

Don't think that he is getting bullied, the way he is it is more than likely the other way around. Don't get me wrong, he is a peer support leader at school and when we are out and he see's younger kids from his peer group they always say hi to him, so obviously doing something positive there.

He quite enjoys helping out younger kids, just not his own 12 year old brother. He is a pretty good older brother to the little ones. He will play with them, he even cuddled Tehya to sleep in the holidays while I was in the shower.

Anger management classes sound like a great idea. I think I could benefit from them too. Just have to wonder how much of it he will take in. Remember he doesn't have any problems it's all us.

Thanks for the reassurance

I think is he saw that you were willing to do it too, then he might be more willing to seek help too and he would realise that you are not abandoning him or singling him out by only asking him to do it.

Good luck with it Trish and I hope it works out for you all soon.

Awwww hugs Trish!!

I don't have any words of advice (after all, I've never had to deal with teenage boys).

Just wanted to say that I hope you can find a happy medium with Joel. Must be soooo hard with teenagers... they wanna rule the world (and think they can) but they're still kids. Hormones don't help anger issues. What about just taking him to the GP? Maybe the ADHD has something to do with it??
Again... I've got no clue!

Hugs matey!

(PS... uno who we will all be turning to when our kids become teenagers?? LOL)

LOL, Deb, the scary thing is by the time your kids are teenagers I will still be going through it all. So much for starting early hey :) Things have calmed down alittle around here, but as it always is with kids tomorrow is yet another day. Who knows what the mood will be tomorrow when it comes time to get ready and out of the house on time for footy.

He won't take any medication anymore and I'm fine with that, just wish his behaviour could be modified.

He was off school sick (supposidy headaches) on Wednesday and he was so sweet. Well later when Tehya and Noah were asleep. I was sitting on the lounge and he lay down and put his head on my lap for a cuddle. Was very nice, very few and far between now he's a big boy...

hi trish,
hows joel doing now?? its hard having a teenager...my little bro is 16 and he treats mum like s*** badly..but there is good news hes joined the british royal air force (my bil has been there for years) so hopefully it might change his attitude.
love rach xxxxx

Hey Trish, am starting to have the same sort of problems with my nearly 10 y/o but have gotten Steve Biddulph's book "Raising Boys", Have only just started to read it but he says that at 14 testosterone levels rise nearly 800%. He recommends having some male mentors around (other than DH or ex). He goes on to explain that in other cultures boys at this age were taken away from their mums and the men of the village used to teach him. We in the west have stopped this but Steve says they need it still. Can his football coach or some other male in authority help you. Any way read the book as it is very helpful and is explaining to me what is happening with my son now.

Good luck to us all