Protecting your children while not offending people

Hi all,

Just wondering how you deal with situations where people are doing things with your kids that you are not ok about, but without offending the people (who often have good intentions).

Here are some hypotheticals to explain what I'm talking about. None of these have happened yet - it's just to give you an idea:
- people putting a dummy back in your child's mouth (but you can see they just touched the bit that goes in their mouth and you know they didn't just wash their hands)
- offering your child food you don't want them to have
- playfully teasing them in a way that they think is ok (no malice intended) but that you aren't ok with (eg playfully calling a chubby kid 'fatty' or something like that)
- letting their older children touch a baby when they are sick etc
- disciplining your child

I'm not very good with confrontation, especially if I know the people involved genuinely meant no harm. But I don't want to spend my child's life letting things happen to them that aren't ok with me. I know there are some situations where you just have to get over it, but I'm interested to know how people handle the situations where they feel something needs to be said?

OK, answers are also hypothetical, since I don't have a kid yet:


- people putting a dummy back in your child's mouth (but you can see they just touched the bit that goes in their mouth and you know they didn't just wash their hands)
Before they do it, say "Oh, don't worry, I've got a clean one/ she doesn't need it now"

- offering your child food you don't want them to have

This is one where you will have to be a little bit tough (I certainly will) There's a couple of ways I would play it - with someone who is a massive know-all about babies, I would take the opportunity to cut them down with a big "Oh my god, you can't give her SALT! What are you doing?"
With someone more meek, I would just explain it straight out - "Actually, I'm not ready for her to have that yet." [back up with whatever evidence you've got]

- playfully teasing them in a way that they think is ok (no malice intended) but that you aren't ok with (eg playfully calling a chubby kid 'fatty' or something like that)
Passive aggressive. Talk to the child also, and say, in an equally playful voice "What a horrible thing to say. Isn't she nasty to you? You're not a fatty, are you?"

- letting their older children touch a baby when they are sick etc
Get everyone to wash/sanitise their hands before they go near the baby. Have gel at the ready, and be quick to jump in with "I'll just grab the gel for you, so you can have a cuddle."

- disciplining your child
I'm a childcare worker. I seriously doubt anyone would bother, but if they did, I would challenge them with my behaviour management knowledge and experience.


Nice thread - fun to discuss.

This is something I have a bit of an issue with so am interested to see others suggestions...
I have actually been known to lie and tell people DD is sick so they will keep their distance say if we are in coles or on the bus and people get too close. I was pretty relaxed but after having a too close for comfort encounter with a dodgy neighbour Im on much more high alert.
With the food thing Im pretty straitforward and say 'oh thank you but she hasnt tried that yet' or 'she is too young'...

Oooh ladies can I sit at your feet and learn from the masters? :) Some great ideas here! Look forward to other's solutions.

What I find hard is the implicit criticism of other people's parenting - if they try to do something with your child and you tell them not to, they sometimes take it as you saying that all parents who do that with their children are bad parents, know what I mean? I don't care what other people choose to do (within reason of course), but that doesn't mean I will let them do that with my child.

I also find it hard when people don't get subtle hints, and so force you to be more blunt than you feel polite being!

oo.. this is interesting! i know its something i will be facing very soon with a 'know all' mil!

Dummy, that's a hard one... I like Audax's response.

I don't think I'd care about offending if someone called my child a horrible name.

Disciplining, I actually don't mind this at all. I am of the opinion it takes a village to raise a child and it is extremely important that children learn to listen to all adults not just their parents. And sometimes it actually makes my life easier. But if I'm there and I'm handling it and someone steps in I would politely tell them to but out. But generally I actually welcome it. I'm one of those people that thanks the elderly lady for reminding my child of their manners in the store. And when I'm in someone else's house well their house, their rules (unless it's a rule of mind that gets carried everywhere ;))

Pretty much what had already been said except for one thing. I would not bother backing up anything with evidence/studies etc unless I was pushed. Generally just a "we don't do that" or a " we prefer to do this" is enough, if they don't get that then add the reasons why. I found if I said "we don't do that. This study found ......" really just got people annoyed, argumentative and they probably even felt insulted.

- people putting a dummy back in your child's mouth (but you can see they just touched the bit that goes in their mouth and you know they didn't just wash their hands)
Im a firm believer in some germs beng good for them so I dont really worry about this
- offering your child food you don't want them to have
DD2 has food intolerances so I always ask if the food has dairy in it if it is for her. Generally though I dont have many people offer food without asking me first
- playfully teasing them in a way that they think is ok (no malice intended) but that you aren't ok with (eg playfully calling a chubby kid 'fatty' or something like that)
None of my kids are chubby but generally I come straight out with 'I dont think that is the appropriate thing to say to an impressionable child'
- letting their older children touch a baby when they are sick etc
Generally I say to the child they can have a cuddle when they feel better
- disciplining your child
I dont have a problem with people telling my kids off but there are relatives that go too far so I just say to them if you cant discipline our way then please leave it to us.

Dummy - agree with alioops, all about building the immune system
Food - I have been known to use the food allergy/intolerance excuse even though DD has none. This has just been with people that don't know us, everyone who does know us knows I am strict with DD's diet and would never giver her anything without asking.
teasing - not sure how I would respond to this one ???
sick child - depends on the illness. You can keep those nasty tummy bugs but I don't see any harm in a bit of a sniffle (unless you have a child with a weak immune system).
Discipline - agree with Rouge

Intercept and deflect. Physically intercept since actions tend to get in faster ...

"Um, can you not do that? We usually do X, let me do that" is meek enough it doesn't tend to offend people.

And do other people seriously discipline? I've never seen it happen, but then we've never left DD#2 alone with other people and DD#1 is the alpha personality type and prone to telling other people what to do, including adults, and people tend to just watch her at it and laugh. I have frequently seen other parents rescue other people's children at playgroup though, when they fall over, get upset, get caught in something, have a dispute over the car (everyone wants the car) at kindergym etc but not discipline. They usually try and enforce sharing "no no, X hasn't had a turn, you can wait a little bit" to whichever child is trying to hog the equipment whether it is their kid or not. Is that discipline? Its really nice :) I like the people in this town.

Dummy - a few germs are good for them. Hell, I probably didn't wash my hands every time I picked up a dummy and TBH both my children have put things far, far grosser than dirty dummies in their mouths.
The food - depends on the food. We don't let them have juice and sweets and other processed foods but if their Aunt wants to spoil them it's not the end of the world. It's nice to have extended family to spoil you. I draw the line at pork but no-one in my family would go there anyway.
Teasing - I'd bite their heads off if they called my children names or give my children a few names of their own. Or if I was in a more tolerant mood use it as a teachable moment about the ways in which we shouldn't talk to others.
Older children touching the baby - if they were sick I would offer them a quiet place to rest or pop a DVD on and ask them not to touch the baby. If they weren't sick I would let them have as many cuddles as they wanted on the floor to minimise any risk of dropping.
Disciplining my children - please, please discipline my children for me if you see they need it. It works so well when someone else helps out.

didn't answer this first time it came up so i'll have a go now!

Dummy - apart from a teeny newborn or an immunocompromised bubba, i figure it's not too bad. yes, people may not have washed their hands in the last few minutes, but really, as a society, we are TOO sterile and obsessive about things and it's too our detriment. our immune systems NEED to be exposed to small amounts of germs to be able to build up a decent efence for when it's under attack by something big!
Food - really depends on the food. i am not averse to saying no if it is something that i don't agree with (at 14 months she doesn't need lollypops!) or food that is not appropriate for the time of day (we have friends that think chocolate cake at 9am is a good idea - i don't really agree lol). Maybe i have an "air" about me - no one will argue! but having said that, i don't mind her having some treats, so when i DO say no, people know it's not just me being pedantic... i have been known to make an alternative suggestion "ooh, it's a bit early for chocolate cake, how about you get you a rice cracker/sandwhich/piece of fruit" or something like that. i have found that people respond better if you're not "denying" something completely.
Teasing - i dunno - i guess it depends on the context of it. i was teased mercilessly as a kid and i never took it personally because my parents used to use the common teasing things as terms of affection for me. so i guess i'm ok with it (don't shoot me - it's my personal opinion!) - we tell DD she is our sweet little 'ranga and a little fatty pumbaa. it is said with affection. i don't have that much of an issue with it
Older children touching the bub - i agree with Onyx. i have no issue, as long as it's safe. i also don't mind DD having cuddles with kids that are a bit unwell (cold etc) - it helps build her immune system!
Disciplining my children - provided it is not done with violence or fear as motivation. If E is doing something wrong and i don't see it or someone else is in a better place to speak to her, i would hope they'd do it. i don't agree with intimidating children though (so i DO have a big issue with my dad disciplining her cos he uses his size and volume to scare her). i am more than happy for someone to say "no E, that's not right" and to distract her or negotiate with her. Rumpled Elf - what you're talking about is what i agree with. it doesn't seem like discipline, more guidance and encouragement to do the right thing!

Late as but add my two bob.

people putting a dummy back in your child's mouth (but you can see they just touched the bit that goes in their mouth and you know they didn't just wash their hands)
This is actually a big reason why I have always avoided the dummy where possible and severely limited it when not. My mum got one for my eldest sibling when he was young and she remembered he dropped it on the ground and she picked it up and it was filthy and she realised at that point they are germ harvesters and never used one again. I only ever used one overnight when the baby was that way inclined, that way it didnt travel far and there was minimal risk of it being exposed to anything truly nasty. I had some level of control over the germs so to speak.

offering your child food you don't want them to have
If I had some of their food on me I would say "Thats ok, I have their lunch" or "They prefer this". But if not then I would just outright say "Yeah sorry, s/he's a bit young for fast food, aye"

playfully teasing them in a way that they think is ok (no malice intended) but that you aren't ok with (eg playfully calling a chubby kid 'fatty' or something like that)
The easiest way to AVOID offending them is to be offended yourself! And usually you are anyway!

letting their older children touch a baby when they are sick etc
I am with Onyx. I nip that in the bud before it becomes an issue. If the older child looks sick from the outset I would ask if they are a bit sick, they don't look all that well and when it is confirmed I would add "Well we better be careful to make sure baby don't catch it then".

disciplining your child
Bit of a mixy matchy. I am fine with siblings and parents expecting a certain respect for their person, their home and their belongings and I am all for them letting my child know their place in that. However if anyone goes outside my discipline code then I really couldn't give a brass razoo if I offend them! For example; Chilly was lying across the arm of the sofa - which is a no no with us. A temporary boarder we had at the time decided to teach him a lesson by grabbing him by the ankle and dragging him off the sofa. I put him in his place mighty damn fast. A simple "You know you aren't allowed on the arms of the sofa, get off" would have sufficed.

In any of these situations, you can use a simple statement (that you don't need to justify) that goes along the lines of "that's not how we've chosen to deal with X' or 'we prefer to monitor what s/he's eating' or 'thank you for the effort, but I prefer to handle this myself' or 'thanks for the offer, but I'm sure neither of us want X to get sick!'.

I've done some training on difficult conversations and the main thing is to keep it simple and straight to the point without compromising what you need to say or diminishing the other person's self-esteem.

HTH!

No children of my own yet but I come from a large extended family

dummy - I've seen it with my own family, over protective mother for the the first child (dummy gets taken away and sterilised) to by the time the last child has come along a dust-off and offered back (with immediate family I've sucked the dummy to clean it and hand it back if no water was around to rinse it off - please note this was with immediate family only)

food - I'd ask them not to, gently take it away from the child if it has been given, it isn't the child's fault so shouldn't be made to feel bad about taking it, then explain (sometimes in very strong forceful words :rofl:) that it isn't acceptable

nicknames - I go on what the family uses

older child sick around bub - depends on what the child has & the health of bub

disciplining - if it is friend's kids, then I've got a pretty good idea of what is acceptable behaviour (usually from watching or asking) so I discipline to their standards, if it is some other child doing something wrong (say punching, biting etc), I remove the children in my charge away from that child and explain to the children in my charge that the behaviour wasn't acceptable, of course if it was an emergency type situation (hands going somewhere dangerous, I'd step in)

Ive dealt with some of these :

- people putting a dummy back in your child's mouth (but you can see they just touched the bit that goes in their mouth and you know they didn't just wash their hands) Just take it straight away when you see ehats happening and give bub a new one ( We never used Dummies anyway)

- offering your child food you don't want them to have (Just say they arent old enough/ allowed to have it , you are the parent :)

- playfully teasing them in a way that they think is ok (no malice intended) but that you aren't ok with (eg playfully calling a chubby kid 'fatty' or something like that) : Childs name is not fat hes s big boy like his Dad, Or Shes not chubby shes curvy like mum etc :) Change a negative for a positive :)

- letting their older children touch a baby when they are sick etc - Just keep them away :)

- disciplining your child ( Alot of people wont discipline someones else child and if they know you and you dont discipline then they should respect your limits on that. We dont discipline or punish and when Nanny (my mum) says shes going to smack him ........I always say then mummy will smack Nanna because Smacking is naughty :) And Nanna gets the point... until next time

Dummy - I didn't have a dummy for this reason. My child wants to join in the conversation, not have you shut him up. I would put my finger in his mouth if he wanted to suck something more often than a dummy, and that wasn't just washed!
Food - Just say no, he can't have it. Most people respect a no, if not then they've insulted you first. DS always checks with me that he can eat the food first now.
Bullying - anyone calling someone a mean name is bullying. Which means they've insulted first again, so if anyone called my child "fatty" I'd say "unlike you, my child doesn't end up with small rocks in orbit." Or words to that effect.
Children touching a baby - germs happen. You can say to anyone "if you're ill, please don't come near the baby" but please don't limit it to children if you do that.
Disciplining. If it's just a "don't do that" then fine, he needs to be told. Calling names or being derogatory, that isn't on and I'll be rude to the person doing it. Anyone hitting my child will be hit back. They started it. In case you can't already tell, I finish it.

I had a childhood with adults being rude to me and hitting me and my mother doing nothing. Cue one screwed-up teen/young adult. DS has my full permission to do the same back, if anyone did anything like that to him. He's a bit young now, so anyone starting anything will not do it twice after dealing with me once.

You are all so wise!!! Can I put you all in my pocket to take around to awkward social situations? Kind of like "Honey I Shrunk The Kids", only "Honey I Shrunk The BB Ladies"!! LOL Thanks for some really good responses - they really give me confidence to assert myself without being unkind.