Making the decision to look for/use an egg donor

Over the last couple of years I have suggested some members with poor egg quality/numbers doing IVF also visit an egg donor site in Australia to learn more and some of them have found success finding EDs and others are still looking or trying with an ED.

The decision to use/look for an egg donor can be huge. However, for me it was part of the journey of infertility and wanting to have a child. We also investigated adoption (but we are too old or it takes too long), permanent care (a very good back up option for us) and fostering, however we felt we could not yet give up on the chance for me to carry our own child. The desire was still so strong.

I was lucky, my younger sister offered about 18 months before our first ED cycle as she had completed her family and wanted to help us as our repeated failures started to really hit home. I shelved her offer in my head but over the next 12 months of more failure it began to become more and more of a real option until it just became reality quite naturally.

Having that one last cycle with my own eggs was very important for me but I knew it was our last go. The stress and low odds just became all too real and here was my healthy fertile sister offering to do the hard yards for me after years of failure.

I guess I just want to share that while it may seem a big decision, in the end for me it was actually quite easy. As she is my full sister we share most of our genetic make up. Still I had some questions to work through for myself as to what it may be like emotionally during and after a cycle and if we were lucky enough to be successful, how it would be during the pregnancy and after birth? How would this affect our family relationships and how would DH and I feel about it all? Its important to ask all these questions and work through them but in the end my sister was the wisest of all, she said "I'm just giving you the opportunity to create life, on their own my eggs are not life but with your DH's sperm and your womb you will be the ones creating the life".

I also considered how I would feel about using an ED that wasn't a relation of mine and I was lucky enough to have a close friend in the wings ready to donate her eggs whenever and if I wanted her to. The knowledge of this support and back up was invaluable in reducing my stress and helped with my acceptance of this path, which as I said wasn't too hard anyway.

After our first ED cycle which was a BFN, my reaction was as usual disappointed but in a different way. There was less stress for me, as our team had grown in size and support and there was more to share with my sister and family that hadn't been there when it was just DH and I. We tried again a few months later and got a BFP which sadly wasn't viable but we had gotten further than ever before so we were all pretty buoyed at the same time. After a year break for DH and my sake, we did it again and this time a strong pg resulted and we have 2 months to go until our wee one arrives.

At all times of this pg this baby has been DH and mine. People sometimes wonder how I feel about Phoenix so I thought I would share our experience until now. Growing a baby inside you is the most wonderful experience and the fact that it took 3 people plus a large loving support team to create this miracle makes it even more wonderful for us. I've had a special connection with my sister through out this pg but we would have anyway as that is the type of person she is.

While we look forward to meeting Phoenix soon, I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting and know I wont have time to do this in the future so I want to share it while its strong in me.

So if anyone ever needs to or starts considering the option of an egg donor I encourage them to be as open to the possibility as possible. There are willing and able women in Australia considering or actively donating and with patience and perseverance many IF woman are finding donors and becoming pg and experiencing what they thought was an impossibility or something that only happens to others. I encourage those considering donation to look into it further, talk to others that have donated. Aussie Egg Donors is a great private site for this as well as here on BB. There is no expectation that just because you consider it you have to do it, but understanding how you may help others to create a family is wonderous enough.

I don't plan to go back down the ED/IVF path in future. Almost 6 years of our lives has been consumed by treatments and the ups/down of IF and we are so grateful for our chance to have a family and move on with our lives. We still have 3 frosties in the fridge so if they were to take at some time in the future then that will be wonderful but for now we plan to be a family of 3.

I'm always happy to answer anyone's questions about being an ED recipient (intended parent) or being an egg donor.

An update on my story to close the loop. I had my DD 6 weeks ago & it has been absolutely wonderful & a dream come true. From the moment they popped her on my chest she has been a constant wonder & delight & most importantly my daughter. I couldn't believe we had created & I'd grown such perfection. She did look a lot like my niece at birth, something my family commented on, to themselves that is until I also pointed it out too, but as she grows she has her daddy's eyes & brow & is nothing like my niece anymore she is developing her own character every day.

Honestly I don't look for myself in her, but then I don't know if mothers who used their own eggs do this anyway LOL. She has a lot of my family's characteristics on dad's side but I think she is going to be a lot like me in personality judging by these last few weeks :).
I'm very open to people that she is a result of donation, even spoke on national radio about it last week, but as time goes on this will be her story to tell if she wants.
My rational for being open about it is there is a desparate need for egg donors in Australia where it is an generous voluntary act of service to others who so desparatly would love to create or complete their families.

a beautiful story with such a heartwarming outcome Dusty. Thankyou so much for sharing your story and experiences for others to draw from, and congratulations on the birth of your DD :)

thank you for sharing, i have been thinking alot lately as i am finished compleating my family, one of my friends has been informed that she has a extramly slim chance of conciving, and i have told her i will look into donation, if she wants, i will be looking more into what it envolves on the site you sugested, as i have no idea how the proces works or anything! but i feel that if i have the chance to help my friend, i should definatley look into it, even if it is just a thought between 2 for now. thank you for sharing your story is definatly in the "do it" basket! i will be doing some more rearching.

Thanks for sharing your story Dusty, from beginning to end! I'm so happy you have got your beautiful girl in your arms finally :)

I'm going to become a donor as well, obviously after the current one is born, to help bring joy into someone else's life is just amazing, and I would be honoured to be a donor for anyone struggling here on BB. Oh and I agree with your sister 110% on the giving an egg is not giving a child of mine, just the possibility of one :) Awesome.

That's an amazing story Dusty, thank you for sharing.

I'm so inspired by your story... since joining BB last year, I've followed your journey, read through your entire TTC journal, followed your pg... hmmm, the word stalker comes to mind, doesn't it? :lol:.

When I feel down and out about my own TTC journey, I often think of you... 'well, if Dusty can overcome the obstacles thrown at her and end up with gorgeous baby Freya, then I can get through this too'...

Thanks PZ :)

Sarah, Mel that is fantastic to hear. My sister reckons if you've had kids & given birth IVF is easy peasy physically in comparison :D. There is plenty of support & advice on AED if you ever & whenever you need it.

Aww Elocin that's beautiful of you to say. I've been following you too & wish you all the strength, perserverence & luck I can muster. It's really all worth it in the end :hug:
Xx

Dusty I have been on the other end and have been an egg donor. I found my recipients through the web site you stated and we are still friends now. I produced 4 eggs (but they didn't have me on much meds) and 1 made it through the fertilisation process and was implanted. Unfortunately the pregnancy didn't take. I would love to do it again but I'm now classed as to old to donate (not to be pg on my own though lol). I would encourage all who have thought about it to actually do it. It wasn't hard and can be so rewarding to know that you have helped someone have the possibility of having their own family.

Oh my goodness, i am so excited! I have wanted to donate my eggs for years, as I don't need to use them to make my own babies, i have always felt strongly that I should give them to a family so that they 'dont go to waste' so to speak.
My kids aren't biologically mine but i could not be more connected to them or have them feel more 'mine' if i had given birth to them. Biology is only a tiny fraction of what makes a family & my DS1 seems to have inherited an awful lot of my personality anyway . . . :lol:
My boys were born through IVF & donor sperm with my partner carrying both babies. My belief is that life is a circle, to get, you must give.... and someone gave me my boys through donation.....so now i can ( hopefully ) give someone their kids.
So, Dusty, i am so excited because I read this thread & then applied to aussie donors to join their forum! YAY!!

Thanks for posting this Dusty. It's given me alot to think about. It's early days for us atm, but this may end up being something we need to look into depending on genetic results.

Just curiously, would you have been as open to embyro adoption? I understand that's even rarer than egg donation but it's something I'm thinking about. It sounds as though it could be easier in many ways too.

Tashy embryos are donated on and is something many do consider and use. I know a lady that recently gave birth to a bub that was a result of a single embryo donation from a couple that decided not to use their frozen embryo left over from a successful egg donor cycle. The donating couple and their egg donor were all involved. A beautiful outcome - 2 children to 2 different families as a result of one egg donation and then one embryo donation. Embryo donation like egg donation can be known (eg through a site like AED) or unknown (eg through a clinic).
Sending you lots of hugs and so pleased you are looking at all the possibilities xx