Advice - friend’s just has an emergency CS - how do I reach out?

My good friend, but not my close friend IYKWIM, welcomed her DD into the world this morning. I spoke to her briefly on the phone tonight to offer my congratulations.

- I know she was planning a natural birth through a MW lead birth centre.
- I know she had a long hard labour that ended in a “rushed” (her words) emergency CS.
- I know she is very tired, tender and sore and expects to be for some time.
- I know that breastfeeding is going OK.

- I don’t know what she wanted her DD’s birth to be like.
- I don’t know what expectations (realistic or otherwise) she had about the birth processes.
- I don’t know how educated she was about her birth choices.

I don’t know how she feels about it at all and I really want to reach out in some way, but how do I do it? She might be really disappointed, she might be totally fine, and if I suggest that she could (read, should?) be disappointed that would be really bad (and I’d look like an idiot).

I was thinking of sending a card to welcome her DD and inserting a small note to just to her, but what do I say? This is what I’ve got so far. Suggestions, alteration and additions are very welcome. :D

Dear MF,

Congratulations on birthing your darling daughter into the world. She chose a strong and wise woman to be her mother. This is such a wonderful and emotional time, I remember it so well.

If there is anything we can do to help in any way, please don’t hesitate to ask. I am thinking of you and your gorgeous family and sending all my warmth and love.

Rachel.

ETA: oh and of course I would NEVER say "at least you have a healthy baby" I know that much!

i reckon it sounds lovely what you have written!

Sounds perfect to me. Let her talk to you about her feelings regarding disappointment or not. It took me a few months to be able to speak to anyone about it, and the last thing I wanted to look like was an ingrate by talking to someone about it when I had a perfectly healthy baby girl in my arms....It is a very mixed emotion, and still is for me, as mine was a true emergency c/s and am very very lucky Charlotte was perfect. But despite knowing it HAD to be done, it doesn't seem to take away from the fact that it isn't what I wanted.

:hug: As you say, she may be perfectly fine with it, but if she isn't let her come to you. :) And congrats to your friend!

Rach truly I don't think you could say anything wrong because your heart space is so "good"... Just be led by her... She's probably feeling lots and lots of things & some of them won't be clear.

Congratulations on birthing your baby! Welcome little one! Welcome to motherhood sweetheart! How are you feeling about things??? Just be beautiful you and all you've said is perfect. :hug:

It is so nice that you are actually thinking about how she might be feeling about her birth experience. She is lucky to have you as a friend. Like others have said just let her come to you with her feelings. Keep in mind, at different times her feelings may change. For me, after a very long labour and things weren't progressing, the c-section was very welcome at the time. About a week later i started thinking about how things could have been different and blamed myself for how it turned out...so if this happens and she talks about the 'if onlys', just listen to her and reassure her. I'm okay now with how it turned out after having talked it through with others that have been supporting me.

Hi there,

I think what have have written is perfect!

However, I might just add....

Don't just assuem that because she was aiming for a Natural Birth that she is completely devastated with having to have had a c-sect.

You mentioned that she had quite a long labour and by the time it was decided that she should go for a c-sect, she might have come to some kind of understanding that it was the right thing to do.

I think you really need to let her lead the conversation. If there is disappointment, you will pick up on it.

All you can do is be a good friend to her and just be there. Which you already are! :)

I think what you have written is perfect and I think its wonderful that you are considering her feelings about the birth. I had an emergency c-s too and for the most part nobody really cared about how I felt - I had a healthy baby and that was that. When I did start to talk about my disappointment a lot of people just looked at me as though there was something wrong with me because I had my baby, she was healthy and so was I so they didn't understand why I felt that way! Thank goodness for BB!!! As others have said, sometimes immediately afterwards it is normal to feel relief that labour is over and the baby has arrived safely into the world, it's not until you have time to reflect that more negative feelings start to arise. Just be there for her and be open to discussing her feelings without pushing her if she's not ready to share her feelings with you just yet. Sounds to me like you're a wonderful friend!

Lovely ladies, thank so much for all your kind words :hug: and you are so right, I’m totally over thinking this aren’t it. I just need to be my happy, friendly self and that’s all! The rest will come as it needs to. (Hmmmm :think: Now I just need to remember to leave my cranky, argumentative self at home with DH :rofl: )