Life is so cruel

Hello everyone

I am here today to ask for some kind words, some of you know that I lost my baby in Feb this year. It still hurts, but I had been coping. One of my 'outer' friends from Toddler group found out she was expecting at the same time as me, both of us with our 5th child. She was really sad and supportive when I lost my bubs.
I found it hard to be around her at toddler group, we were both due mid sept 2010. However, she hadn't been for a few weeks which was unlike her. I was worried, I hadn't seen her in town much either.
I found out today that her little bubs had died at 22 weeks.

I ran around the town getting every single one of the flowers she loves and asked her sister to deliver them.

I have not stopped crying all evening and I don't know how to be strong enough to support her when she feels ready to face the world. As she is a friend I only see at toddlers I am not sure what to do, I want her to know that I care, but at the moment I am still a wreck!

I have passed on this web address and my mobile number, I know that I have had so much support from here.

My other good friend is due to have an elective C- section due to low lying placenta and two friends at work are both due mid Sept 2010. I am completely worried about them all at the moment.

I asked my sister today if it was something to do with me because babies keep dying around me, I think maybe my hormones are still messed up!

Thanks for listening to my emotional rambles,
Just pray that there is some good news soon:pray:

:hug: mummylion I hope you have good news soon too.

Oh my goodness - :hug: mummylion. Your friend is very lucky to have someone as special as you in her life.

:hug: i am so sorry to hear this mummylion.

Thinking of you :hug:

Iam sorry to hear of you loss i lost our second baby at 12 weeks in october and two of my close friends found out they were pregger to one just had hers a week ago and the other last month and i work in a baby shop so i know how hard it can be. Ive been so angry and then very sad ive tried blaming myself and it all just made me feel worse and well on my expected due date i ended up attending my grandmother funeral. Sometimes space is the best thing knowing you have friends to call if you need but the pain is one most can only sort themselves so as long as she knows if she needs a chat your there then thats a great start.

mummylion - I got such a scare when I saw you had posted as I was really worried about you. But now I still am, but for different reasons.

First of all, sweetie, it's not you, you are not some sort of voodoo. Although I understand the feeling. When I was 17, about 7 close relatives, friends and family friends died, and I had the same thoughts as you. It must be me. But honestly, its not you and you need to remember that. You are a beautiful and lovely woman. Sometimes bad stuff happens around us and to us.

Second of all - about your worry and anxiety for others. It is only natural...but keep an eye on it. If it starts to get too much for you call a counselling phone line - lifeline and others are open 24 hours and only a phone call away. I felt and feel the same way you do. I worry for every pregnant woman I know, irrespective of their circumstances. I think it shows just how much empathy and understanding you have of the tragedy of losing a baby.

Third - hearing what happens to others, bring to the surface again, our own experiences. So part of your worry for others, is also reliving your experiences and fears. And there's nothing wrong with that either.

Fourth - what can you do to help this woman? Well, you have already done a lot. But it's important that you do only as much as you can manage and cope with. It's not selfish for you to make sure you also watch out for yourself. When you are grieving you are like a sponge with other people's grief, and it's important that if you do help this woman more, that you make sure you look after yourself. Promise you'll look out for you? It's so easy to put you last, but now is not the time. I know it seems hard and maybe heartless but YOU are important.

Now, a bit about what this woman would have experienced physically. Either an induced labour or a ceasarian. So she will be physically recovering. She also will have had to deal with "having" to arrange a funeral as a legal requirement as the baby was over 20 weeks gestation. She may or may not have held her baby after the birth and spent time with teh baby. It's encouraged, but some people don't do it for their own reasons. She obviously has other children, as you know her through a toddlers group.

She will need physical help - housework, shopping, preparing meals. Maybe you could cook her some meals and have her sister deliver them? Or if you feel up to it, offer to do some of her housework or even mind her toddler, to give her space to grieve alone without the stress of trying to hold it together for her toddler. it is also important for her not to feel alone.... even if you are not up to visiting her because you don't know her and she is isolating herself from the world and you don't want to intrude, how about a card, offering to help? If you do see her in person, don't forget to tell her you're so sorry, ask about her baby, and the baby's name and the funeral and ask about any mementos she got at the hospital ( clothes for the baby, rememberance booklets, ID tags), she might want to tell you her birthing story and she might have photos of the baby. As you know, it's important to be given the opportunity to talk about our lost babies. And if you do see her in person, as hard as it is, unless she asks, don't talk about your experiences. She needs this time to be about her.

Good luck my dear, and remember, offering support will be hard on you. Good luck.

Fie - sorry about the loss of your precious angel last year and your grandmothers death. It must be excruciating working in a baby shop. Don't blame yourself..... it just doesn't help. Hope you are finding a way forward. Go gently.

Hi, thank you for your kind words, all of you have made sense. I will pop a card in and offer some support but keep a distance,
Dory, I had my meeting with the acting head at school on wednesday, the day after I found out about my friend. It was supposed to be me showing my strength and the fact that I am completely emotionally stable........ needless to say I was a quivering sobbing wreck!

Luckily the really awful boss is on long term sick, maybe never to return, at least the other one is relatively more sane.
I do have a counselling assessment coming up which could prove healing, I am trying to get the doctors to give me something to get me ovulating again and I managed to sort out a couple of bags of baby clothes and put aside a pile for charity without crying.
Life goes on and the 4 monsters in my house create enough mess!

Thanks again
Mummylion

Oh honey i am so sorry that you are still feeling so low. I think its totally normal to feel so distressed for this friend and i think that its also fine that you arent 100% together. Maybe thats what she needs, someone to be a mess with, she would have enough friends around her that are coping fine. I bet she would love to know that someone else feels her complete pain and utter loss! So sorry for both of you and i pray that a little earth bound baby is on its way for both of you!

Mummylion - to be honest my sweet - I am not sure we'll ever be like we were before. In my experience, things can just come from left field, and unexpectedly make you sad or unsettled. I think I've worked out, that's who I am now and I think I accept it. Time will tell. Just go gently and as strongly as you can on any given day.

I think you did well to put items out for charity. Not something I have done yet.

I hope that you get something to help with the big "o". It means you're wanting to try again..... thinking of you in that crazy journey and hoping for you it's a short one til you get your bfp.