do u talk to your kids about the behaviours you want and dont want?

a friend and i do babysitting for each other to give each other breaks.

she does not beleive in behaviour modification she tells me.
I talk to my kids about what behaviours i want and dont want and i find then that when i go to the pool or take them out or to an appointment or even at home with their toys and each other they know what they are and are not allowed to do and they behave quite well.

I find her kids will
not respect poeple toys other items, will just pass and throw them , throw shoes on roofs or toys as they pass them

open the front door and go out without permission and its not safe

just jump into a pool without an adult

etc

all things that i would love the parents to chat to them and reinforce these things and i would be willing to also in a gentle way
eg just asking things like
do we....
and saying what we do or dont do and why
what we are allowed to do or not allowed to do and why
all in a non threatening way
but a few gentle reminders i feel maximises the chances of behaviours we want occuring and behaviours we dont want or that can be dangerous not occuring.

i cant force another parent or tell them waht to do

i only asked if we can both support each other to reinforce botht he good behaviours and also what we want and allow.

i felt all carers at home and school would benefit if they had improved behaiovur , rule awareness, respect.

But i cant force this parent to do it.
i tried to suggest it and she just said
that she doesnt beleive in behaviour modification.

it makes it alot harder fo rme to care for her children or anyone else.

what can i do .

I have no suggestion as to what you could do. But I understand what you are saying. My DF and I do that now with his 11yo and even with DD I talk to her about what is right and wrong- she is 3months old.

I don't believe in behaviour modification, or personality modification. I don't believe in moulding my child to be something I want rather than who he is.

Having said that, we also have rules that he can choose to keep or break. He is told the consequences and these are carried out. I am not changing who he is, just how the world reacts to him. Which he cannot control after the event, just as I cannot control how the world reacts to me. I have learnt to keep my tongue in a scabbard, so to speak, although my mind is still very scathing at times.

Consequences, to me, are not behaviour modification. They are a fact of life and something you choose for yourself. Whether you meant to or not.

I suppose you do change personality and behaviour in response to consequences. Can take years. But it's me choosing to change myself, not someone else telling me that "good girls have neat houses" then expecting me to live up to that or be branded "bad".

If I throw my shoes away, I go barefoot. No good or bad label. Just barefoot because we can't afford new shoes. That is not changing someone, just giving them a consequence.

If DS wants to stay at the pool, he holds hands and doesn't run when we are out of the pool. He is not bad for getting excited. But he has fallen and hurt himself, which made him realise WHY I want him to hold hands (he didn't understand me telling him) and voila, he holds hands and tries not to run. That's HIM modifying his behaviour to stay safe, not me changing him to fit in with my plan. Before age three, he stops me at the road and asks if there are cars coming. He is giving me rules - to keep me safe. He sees I obey "his" rules, so he sticks to them. I ask him if he feels safe, and if he doesn't how to make him safe. He modifies my actions too. But I allow it. He isn't forcing me to fit into his vision of a mother, just as I don't force him into my vision of a son. He's himself - just himself who can function in society.

By having no rules, your adult child will suffer - and every baby is an adult waiting to happen. By modifying a personality, your child suffers every step of the way. By giving loving consequences and listening to your child, I believe you bring your child up to deal with the world.

Sounds like you're doing the consequence thing, like most parents do. And you can always insist on consequences in your house, because there are some things you cannot allow. If another child from ANY background tried to destroy things, then things are removed. They are "broken" therefore you can no longer have them. You throw toys around like that, they break. You want to play, we all play together in a non-damaging way. Maybe I'm looking at this too simply, but that seems to work with me and Liebs.

Is she lazy or is there a reason behind that?
That seems really irresponsible to me....there are rules when you are an adult and if you are never thought to respect any rules or boundaries, how the heck can you manage as an adult?
Not only that, surely she can that her children behave differently (like outta control) to other children.

I think you approached it admirably. Perhaps your next chat with her suggest that the fact that they have no boundaries, particularly in relation to their own safety makes you anxious and feel unable to look after them properly? I really don't know..that's really tough.
I agree with LZ too. YOur house, your rules. If they can't follow them, they can't come.

And yes, we talk about stuff with DD in particular all the time. I even use phrases like 'not negotiable' (when it's a safety issue) and 'not acceptable' and then give them the reasons.

thanks so much. that was all very helpful

today she and her husband were much better telling her daughter not to come out the front door
telling her daughter to talk to me nicely and apologise to me
it still could be much better them preparing their kids to listen to me , and maybe promising a prize if they do
the daughter wasnt around much today and its really her that is the greatest challenge by far.

Glad you've gotten some progress hun.
We think children are influenced the most by positive role models, but TBH I reckon adults are just the same.

Im like you.I run through things when i drop DS2 at school eg i say" hands and feet?" He says "to myself" i say "what choice's do we make?" he will say "Good choice's". I also pre-warm my boys when were going out. I let them know what is expected and what will happen if they do do that. I think its great to pre-pair a child.

when a child is asking why why why what what what all day for every single little things probably because they are bored and its just driving you nutes its not learning or inquisitiveness its just boredeom and exhausting,
but you are in a home that doesnt allow dvds

what do you do ?!

:

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when a child is asking why why why what what what all day for every single little things probably because they are bored and its just driving you nutes its not learning or inquisitiveness its just boredeom and exhausting,
but you are in a home that doesnt allow dvds

what do you do ?!

---

Umm... answer their questions. How old is the child?

I tend to find out why DS wants to know why. It's usually boredom. We can do an investigation around his "why". Let him find out "why" by himself. Liebling doesn't really do "why?" though, he started it so I would give him a half-hour degree-level answer and/or run-through of my risk assessment for him. He knows it's a good way of getting my attention!

FWIW, we don't bother with TV most days. Sure it can be useful at 4am when I want to sleep a bit longer. But it's always more hassle than it's worth as DS gets cross if the wrong episode is on the DVD or he won't leave the house when I need to go out. We do a lot more music: either we play the piano, or I play as DS sings along and dances, or we both sing and dance together. Best distraction ever and good exercise for me.

(And yes, this is the child who decided tonight's conversation would be "do we eat..." naming fish, pizza, pasta, chocolate, bananas, apples, bread, water, milk, cheese... poo, wee, a trump, the bin and rubbish. Finding that we can't eat the bin was nearly had him in hysterics.)

there is a normal level ofchildren asking why and whats that need to be answered and there is a bored level of constnatly asking because they are bored, that is just constnat and nagging and draining. it is not inquisitiveness. different people work differently but i personally find when a dvd is in the background then we still play chat read but at a pace that more easily allows me to also do housework, attend to baby, without a child constnatly asking why what why why why about every single thing just out of boredom. some home have dvds and some dont each parent does what they find best for their family.

Watching DVDs all day when you admit they are bored witless is hardly going to be beneficial to them in the long term.

Charlotte watches DVDs, probably one or two a day, depending on our day and the weather. But if she is bored then it is my job to engage her, find her tings to do and attempt to interact with her -- that is what she is after, my attention, some interaction.
Plonking her in front of a television all day is hardly living up to my responsibilities as a parent - she would be better off in day care all day every day - at least they play there.
The most effective learning tool you have for your children is play, that is how the learn the most, in the most effective manner - what is watching DVDs ALL day going to teach them?
Kids are draining, you need to find effective ways to deal with that that aren't detrimental to their health - and watching television all day is NOT good for kids (there are 5001 studies done on this very topic btw).

Some days you will get your housework done, some days they are more demanding.
Have you tried getting bubs engaged in the chores with you? Charlotte helps me unpack the dishwasher and put the washing on, she loves it, she gets the broom while I vacuum, and has her own spray bottle of water and a cloth to help me 'clean' - she LOVES it, keeps her entertained, gives her something to do, lets me get some housework done, and we are doing it together, which is all they want.

We walk, we go to the park and tire her out, she plays outside - a bucket or water and some cups and tubs is excellent for this, keeps her amused for ages. If she is really bad and I am losing my mind, she has a bath which she loves also.
We read stories together (which will do a hell of a lot more good than DVDs ever will) and sometimes she just needs to understand mummy HAS to do something and amuse herself with her toys.

By teaching them nothing, you are teaching them nothing. Simple.
If it was working sooo well for you, why would you bother asking in two different threads what other people do and how else you can amuse your child?


ETA: You still haven't answered how old the child is either.

hell yeah!

i don't think it's behaviour modification, because you are your childs teacher, they are learning for the first time. I would like my children to respect others, basically in my house my rules go, and if others don't like that then they can go jump. I would expect my children to respec the rules of any house they go to as well.

at our house ds is not allowed to help himself to the pantry or fridge or dvd's, or he won't get them he can play with any of his toys he likes and occasionally gets a reminder he needs to pack some up before getting anymore out, and if I have to pack them all up, they dissapear completley.
he is taught to hold hands when we go out, and that if he can't we will not go out.
he is also praised when he does these things without reminders.