My Silent Miscarriage - Long
I've just returned home today from the hospital after 3 days of awaiting my body to let go of my baby.
I'm still in absolute shock that I even have to write these words but here I am.
This pregnancy had been unplanned but still very much wanted. I found out early on that things were going to be different to the others when I started to bleed at around 6 weeks. I decided to go for an u/s to check on things and have a dating scan done as I wasn't sure when it was that I had actually concieved.
The u/s showed the lovely little flicker of my baby's heart but I had a feeling something else was up as the synographer wouldnt discuss the u/s findings with me. I later found out that I had a subchorionic heamorrage beside the baby. I was told this would clear up and in a few weeks and that it did.
The pregnancy went on as usual with no more bleeding.
Sunday 20th of June I had just walked home from a reading with a local psychic and decided to go to the loo before going to hang some washing out. As i wiped i was startled to see quite an amount of browny/red/mucousy blood all over the toilet paper. I immediately call my Midwife to discuss options with her and later decide for my own piece of mind, to go to the Hospital and be checked out.
Honestly, I had no suspicion at all that the day would end as it did. I totally and utterly thought that I would go, have an u/s and be told that everything was fine. However, I knew again that something was up when the synographer wouldnt say a word. Even at that point and didn't think that my baby was gone. I thought more that there were physical deformites of some kind.
So when the Dr returned to give me my results, my world spun when she said the news isnt good and that my baby had infact died 5 weeks previously at 8 weeks. :cry:
At that point all i could do was try and understand how it was that my body could give me no signs at all that something like this was occuring. I had no bleeding at all in that 5 weeks and the only slight concern was some period pains that i had been experiencing in the weeks before I found out.
After this I was told the options of how to go from here. Proceed and "see how things go" or wait until the next day and have a D&C. Neither were suitable for me. I decided that if after 5 weeks soemthing hadnt happened, i was very doubtful that it would happen any time soon. I also decided there and then that I was not going to have my child scraped or suctioned from my body.
I've had a miscarriage and a termination in previous years. At those times, being knocked out and having my baby manually removed from me was a suitable choice. I was 17 and 19 and didnt know sh*t about sh*t. This time I was not going to detatch myself from this and i felt i owed it to my baby to "birth" him/her as naturally as possible.
The hospital I was at didn't offer Medical Management. So I asked who did and left.
The next morning I phoned the other hospital and was advised by the Early Pregnancy and Assesment Unit that I couldnt get an appointment until Wednesday. That wasn't good enoug h so I decided to rock up to the ED. I had been given a letter by the 1st hospital which explained the finding of the u/s etc. Within half an hour I had been made an appointment with the EPAU and was on my way to having things the way I wanted.
A repeat u/s was done which this time i got to see. Sure enough I didnt see any flicker. However when they located the baby and zoomed he was moving. I was hoping that somewhere, hidden his heart may have still be beating. But after checking my own pulse to the movements of the baby, it was decided that it was me moving him. Kinda like my own pulse was willing him to live. But it wasnt to be. It was good to have that scan though. Because I could then accept that I had lost my baby and I now had to take the next steps.
I was admitted to a room and the first lot of Misoprotal was interted. I had some cramping and some bleeding but nothing much at all. 24 hours later the 2nd dose was put in. That night I started experiencing some mild period type pains at about 8pm. I finally went to sleep at about 11pm and between then and 12am had 2 very stong contractions in my sleep. I got up at 12am to go the toilet and passed a large bloody clot. I went back to sleep after this.
I woke again at 3am to pains which were coming like contractions. They gradually built until I felt as if I were in labour. They were coming very close together but were'nt lasting very long. Between this time and 6am I passed 3 more clots which were laced with tissue. I would call the nurse each time a clot was passed and we would examine it together looking for my baby.
Sadly I never did identify my baby in amongst the bloody clots.
At 6.30 am I went back to sleep with a heat pack pressed against my lower abdomen. It didnt take away the pain but it helped. When I woke at 8am. There was no sign of any pain or clots. I'm guessing I "passed" my baby somewhere in the time between 3 and 6am.
This experience for me was a major contrast to my first experience of miscarriage at 17. I felt in control of the decision making and was well supported by hospital staff in my decisions. This experience like my first miscarriage, was done alone although I know I had many people thinking of me.
I have so many feelings about this. My initial feeling was obviously heartache and sadness but also embrassment. I felt silly that I had told everyone so early into the pregnancy and that I had made so many plans for my Homebirth. I had even chose the song to which I was going to do my Birth Montage too. I felt so silly for all of this.
I also felt angry that it had been 5 weeks since I had lost my baby and my own body didnt give my any sign of this. In hindsight the only suggestion that I had was 2 dreams that I had that I had miscarried. Maybe this was my bodies way of telling me....through my subconcious.
Anyways....I just wanted to get this down while its still fresh. Very fresh infact. I can't believe today is the day I birthed my 8 week old baby. So sad.
Thanks for reading....
For those of you wondering, I did participate in the trial of Medical Management and I wasnt concerned in the amount of Misoprostal I was given however I did check my Medication Chart and I was given 2 lots of 400mcg.
My Silent Miscarriage - Long
:hug: Nothing I can say can make it better, so... :hug: :(
