How can we get him to self-settle?

It seems totally ridiculous to be asking it like this, because DS is nearly 3.5 years old.

But he will NOT go to bed without someone there with him. Of course I totally blame myself because I let him cry it out for a few weeks when he was 2 months old because I didn't know any better.

And now - he still won't "self-settle" at night.

He doesn't have a day nap anymore, so he is extremely tired by the end of the day, but it still takes him over an hour to fall asleep. DH is getting really really fed up, because he doesn't get home till 6, then by the time we do dinner, bath, and then he puts the girls to bed (who by the way, both get themselves off to sleep fine) - he then has to spend an hour or an hour and a half trying to get DS to go to sleep.

I'm needing some suggestions because he just will NOT go to sleep on his own. He has DD2 sharing his room so he's not alone anyway, he has a lamp that is on next to his bed because he can't sleep without it on, and he has music playing.

I need some suggestions before DH cracks it big time!! Oh, and I don't put DS to bed because he likes his "daddy time" since he never sees DH at all during the day. DH also spends time playing with DS from the time he gets home, but one on one time from 7.30pm to his bedtime (which is around 8pm, but usually ends up being 8.30)

My DD1 has started having trouble getting to sleep on her own at night time so I have tried a few different tactics and they all seem to work depending ...

We have always had a bedtime routine with DD1 so we have kept up with that - toilet, brush teeth, put on a nappy, read a book with Daddy, hug Mummy goodnight and then tucked into bed.

If she is unsettled I tell her that if she stays in bed, with her eyes closed, I will come back in and give her another cuddle in about 10 mins (I usually just do it in the ads of whatever is on TV so I don't have to watch the clock). This is really good for getting her to stay in bed and she knows I am coming back. There are very few nights that I have actually made it back into her room after the second time. It keeps her relaxed because she knows I am coming back and for us the most important part is keeping her in bed and keeping her still and relaxed. If she freaks out and thinks we aren't coming back to give her anothr cuddle and kiss, it stresses her out a bit and keeps her awake.

I also try to tell DD1 what we are doing the next day or after her nap and why she needs her energy. Especially at nap time she does really well with it. Telling her that after she has her nap, Daddy will be home helps her get to sleep a bit easier I think.

Gotta love little kids and nap time - we have just moved DS to a big bed and we are having all sorts of dramas getting him to stay in bed. He breaks into DD1's room which is causing all kinds of fun (especially if she has managed to get to sleep and he wakes her up).

Is there any kind of bribery that would work? Like if you said "If you stay quietly in your room by yourself and go to sleep tonight, you can have xyz in the morning". My sister used this tactic with her DS, she would have a brand new toy/game, put it in his room so he could see it and tell him he could have it in the morning if he was quiet and went to sleep. It worked really well :D.

Otherwise is there some kind of irresistible toy that you could give to him just for bedtime? You could tell him it is for bedtime only and he can play quietly with it if he stays in bed by himself?

I hope you find something that works :hug:.

I know I dont really have much experience in this but thought I'd share just in case it helps :)

I used to babysit a little boy about your DS's age and what worked really well with him was:
do the night time routine,
read 2 short books
say goodnight,
tell him I'd be back in 2 mins and leave.
Come back in 2 mins and put my head around the door to tell him I'd be back in 5 mins, 7 mins, 10mins. If he still wasn't asleep after 10mins, keep checking in 10 minutely (is that a word? Lol).

Only once did I have to check him again after the 10 minute one and most times he was asleep before the 5 min check :)

HTH :)

Well usually DH leaves after about half an hour, and says if you don't go to sleep, I'm leaving - DS doesn't go to sleep, keeps mucking around, so DH leaves. Then DS eventually comes out and says he can't go to sleep without someone with him. So not sure if he would actually go to sleep, cos he's a bit of a stubborn bugger, so would probably wait until we kept coming in and eventually sat down.. LOL

I don't know if there is any irresistable toy - he has toys he can play with once the girls go to bed (we play dominos together, or he plays with his marbles) but he wouldn't be able to play with them in the morning cos DD1 would be awake for most of the day..

Hmmm... thanks for the suggestions, I'll run them by DH tonight.

Hmm, have you or DH tried asking why he cant sleep without someone there? Is he scared, lonely, worried about something? Could he have a special night time security toy?
What about leaving the door open a little so he can hear your still around?
tried telling him "i'm just in x room if you need me dont get out of bed, just call out" (bad wording but you get my point?) or if you dont want him yelling out you could use a baby monitor or walky talky?

:dunno: lol @ stubborn, I've got one of them too, oh the things I look forward to :lol:

He doesn't really answer why - just says that he needs us there. He sleeps with 3 toys, so has lots of security items. The door is left open, but he knows he can't yell because he'll wake DD2 up. So he is respectful and quiet so as not to wake her - which is good - but its just the dropping off to sleep that sucks.

Hmm. Maybe I should give him some calming aid, just to help him drop off....

Lol well I'm out of idea's then. Cant help to give the calming stuff a go.
Hopefully someone else can be more helpful (as I'm sure they can). Good luck :)

Haha I don't know if anyone can help my boy. I'm ok with him waking up in the middle of the night and climbing into bed with us... but that PLUS the difficulty getting him to sleep is starting to do my head in....

Mel, what kind of games does DH play with him when he gets home? It sounds like he's understandably excited to see Daddy and it's taking him some time to wind-down from play time. If it is really necessary for him to stay up and play with Daddy, then I think you should have a chat about making sure this is a wind-down time for the two of them. That might help him settle better. Maybe you could hold off and DH could give him his bath and play with him there as soon as he gets home, followed by a nice quiet time with some books, a cuddle and lie down in bed with him.

It's going to be very hard for a three year old to go from 'YAY Daddy's home - let's play!' to sleep in less than an hour. It sounds like he's also over-tired, which is only making it worse.

Another thing we found was no TV after bath-time and before dinner in our household. It would wire DD up way too much, she'd be whingey and uncooperative, and that would rub off on our moods.

GL hun. :hug: I'd concentrate on toning everything down. Fine for them to play, but quiet games only. If your DH is anyting like DP, I understand that's a tricky one. ;)

is he being a bit naughty with the whole bedroom thing? As you may have to start with the whole Super Nanny tactics in 'its night time and that means sleep and then everytime he comes out ... the first time you say its night time sweet love you see you in the morning AND the second third and fourth time you dont say a thing and just keep putting him back into bed' I have done this with my ds who is 10 yr now but it worked and he learnt that once mum (it was only me back then) or dad puts me to bed that is it sleep time !

Hey Mel remember me ;)

We have been having some issues with DD who is 3 as well hun, and we are using a sticker chart for her. Our issue was initially her getting up out of bed all the time, and now its staying in bed yelling that her blankets are off etc. so we haven't exactly fixed it all but getting there. Each night we look at the chart and tell her how proud we are that she has got stickers for staying in bed and can she do it again? She has stuff on it like a lollypop/book/dress for dolly/ride on Thomas as rewards and seh can see when a line is filled up she chooses which reward. Small little things but we are hoping in time that it will help her get back into a routine of staying in bed. If he has lots of toys it could be a fun outing with the family he aims for instead??? I like the 10 minute idea too.
I feel for you because it does suck especially when you just want to lay like veg on the couch and you spend over an hour just getting them to sleep.:hug:

DD1 has just turned 4 and we have only had ok bedtimes for about the last 3/4 months. We tried a sticker chart and in the end she told me she wasn't fussed about the reward as she just wanted someone with her, which at the time did my head in. We also have a nice aquarium lamp and a night light for her also. She is quite a clingy kid and still often jumps in bed at night too. We try to have an early dinner and then have a lot of quiet time before bed happens as she seems to need quite a lot of winding down. So we dinner about 5-5.30 and then TV off and noise level down so I turn off music etc. Bath time then a play and books on the couch before bed. Into bed about 7 after toilet/teeth and then DH and I both read 1 book. Initially I had to stay in until she fell asleep and creep out....however that has improved heaps and we are now able to leave her with the doors open and say we'll check back on her. She often falls asleep in 10 mins or so.
It feels like this has taken years and to be honest I think it has had more to do with her than anything we have done. Not much help but I feel your pain! xx

OT but... Hi Tan!
Sorry Mel LOL. Quick question, what does your DH do with your DS when he is in the room with him? Natty used to want me to pat her bottom, sing to her etc. This was stringing bedtime out for a long time even though everything I was doing was low key (ie we weren't chatting or playing games). Lately though our routine is stories, tuck her in, kisses & quick chat about what's happening tomorrow then I 'sign off' by saying goodnight and I love her. Then I sit down at the end of the bed and wait. I either doze (and sometimes DH has to come in and wake me up, LOL!) or I play a game on my phone. I just relax but Natty and I don't interact at all. This seems to be all she needs and without me singing or patting her she is actually better able to get to sleep.
Not sure if this is relevant to your situation (perhaps your DH already does this or perhaps this might be a bit sad for your DS) but it has really helped our situation and Natty adjusted to the change easily.

I wouldn't blame youself about CIO when he was a bub 'cause my DS needs to have someone with him to fall asleep too and we didn't CIO - I fed him to sleep until he was 2 1/2 so I was blaming that. He's just starting to go to sleep without DH beside him in bed. DH reads him a book (or Top Gear magazine) and then tells him a story while sitting by the bed (often long and dull) and he drops off. I think in the last night or two he's left while DS is dozy but not asleep, saying he'll be back in a few mins.

So in summary, you're not the only one, its not your fault and it does get better. :hug:

DH and DS have a bit of routine at night - just a funny little thing that they say every night. DH says to DS "No crying, no play, no yelling out, just sleeping" then he repeats "No..." and DS says "crying" etc. It come about after we went through a bit of rough patch of DS not wanting to sleep without someone in his room.. It is DS's special thing that he does with his daddy and he loves it and it seems to work on him. If we have a night when he does mess around, then DH will go back in and repeat it, and then leave the room. He also has a music box that plays a light show on the ceiling and a song for 10 mins, which for us is kind of good indicator of time to go back in etc.
And although DS sleeps really well (*touch wood!!*), every Friday night DH will actually lay down on the bed with him and listen while I do the stories and then Dh will lay with him until he (yes, both DS and DH most of the time ;)) falls asleep. DS loves it - he is learning his days of the week so he knows Fridays are creche day and sleeping with Daddy in his room.

Mel: I think it's bad sleep hygine to spend so much time in the bedroom trying to get him to sleep. You should only try for 20 mins at time (this goes for adults too). My sister is a psych and she says one of the worst things you can do while you're trying to go to sleep is stay in bed and get frustrated. We do all our night time routine in the lounge. We read books, have cuddles chat about what happened today and what will be happening tomorrow. Then we walk him to bed, tuck him in, give him a kiss and promptly leave. This works really well. He knows bed is for sleep and that's all. If he calls out we go in say 'head on pillow, close your eyes mummy loves you' then turn around and walk out. We just repeat this over and over with cuddles if he is upset.

I hope this helps an you guys get a bit of your night back.

spring xx

My DD nearly always needs someone with her to get to sleep as well. Sometimes the "I will check on you in 5 minutes" will work. If she is particularly wound up from the day and having trouble getting to sleep. I turn off any noise, lights (except for her little night light) and get her to shut her eyes and then go through a guided meditation. I made one up about the golden yellow sparkley light of the sun protecting her and keeping her warm, starting at her toes all the way up to her head etc. Finishing off with the yellow light staying with her to keep her safe until morning when the it goes back into the sky. It nearly always works to put her to sleep, and when it doesn't she is normally calm enough to do the check on you in 5 minutes thing.