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With the recent events happening to us lately just wondering what your thoughts are about this? For me if DS has a friend sleeping over I feel responsible for them. They are definately not allowed to roam the streets but if they were to sneak out late when we are sleeping I would be none the wiser. How can it be stopped? Would love to know what others think.
Regards,
Dianne
Definately agree, the parents and /or responsible adult. I don't get how you don't know where your kids are (unless they sneak out) or don't care!!:
We get this in our neighbourhood - they don't do anything really, just make a lot of noise. I guess they're bored.
I have to admit that I used to do the same thing as a teenager - we'd roam around talking (and probably making lots of noise and being obnoxious). It was a small town and there wasn't anything else to do.
Teenagers go out - I'm not sure what you can do except maybe try to raise your kids to be considerate and responsible.
I don't think my parents were negligent or uncaring, but they didn't know where I was a lot of the time when I went out. Must be stressful - I so look forward to having teenagers. not.
I am definitely with you Dianne. I do think if you have let your teenager stay the night at anothers house those parents are responsible for their whereabouts.
But it is also hard to put blame on parents though, you can't help it if your teenager lies about what they are doing, who theyre with and so on. They could say theyre going to....Sally's house but they really go to...Johnnys house and he has parents who don't care what he does so they get drunk.. or go out causing trouble.
I really do think it comes down to every persons parenting style, some parents really dont care what their child is doing while others really press honesty and trust into their kids. Which is what i will be doing with mine, i can't say to my kids they can't drink at 15 when i did BUT i will have it under my supervision and limited.
Now i can say that now not having teenagers.... but as a teenager my mum was strict but when it came to me drinking and going to parties she said she didnt mind as she TRUSTED me. And hearing that made me think of her if i was offered drugs i of course said no, or when they wanted to rip down street signs and other crazy things i took no part as i knew my mum trusted me to be good.
But this is a tricky subject and everyone will have different opinions..
I don't know what the answer is to this one. I mean you can try your best to make sure you know where they are at all times and if they are out then don't carry on like a pork chop and be a nuisance, but teens don't always use their brain unfortunately and sometimes they can be out without your knowledge. I know when we were teens we would hang out up the street, but same as Marcellus, small town with nothing to do so you just hung out down the street talking. We never caused trouble though, we just didn't have anywhere else to hang out.
Yep, this is exactly what DD did last year...said she was staying at a friends house...the friend told her parents she was staying here...and they roamed the streets all night. These days, we check with the parents first. But it's really hard to know exactly what they are doing every minute of the day & night.:
And yes, i did it too when I was a teenager. But I think as parents / adults we need to set boundaries. So I don't tell her what I did ;)
ETA - just thinking about this - the other thing that happens, is different parents have different ideas on what's ok. So it's good to get to know the other parents & what their ideas are, especially if there's sleepovers. I get specific now - "so, they will NOT be going out"
Why is there a need to sleep over? If the concept of trust cannot be understood or devloped in the parent child relationship then why give the opportunity?
The parent is responsible just as much as the surrogate for the night ut for different reasons.
So often at work we see young girls heading out with Country Road bags with the clothes they left in-in the bag and the outfit no one knew about on! Many a party that mum and dad didn't even know about and now some lagered kids (boys and girls) unonscious on the lawn of someone else's place. In the well to do areas I've worked in, even while mum an dad aren't even in the country!
It's so hard to corral them in with a different perpective of what constitue discipline against a healthy parent child relationship.
gotta agree with RhiChiChi on this one. Although I would vary it with taking into consideration the age of the teenager. A 13yr or 14yr old, there is definite responsibility. When you are talking about 17 and 18yr olds however, the lines start to blur abit.
The problem is that no matter what age your kid is, it is impossible to know whether the parents 'parent' and supervise in a way you would feel is appropriate anyway. I do not like some of my 'in laws' looking after my kids, because their idea of supervision does not hold up to my standard. And these are young children, I would be extremely hestitant to trust them with a teenager for the same reason (only little kids, might run off or hurt themselves, whilst teenagers can be ALOT more creative and get up to all sorts of things - at least I did when I was a teenager).
IMO you cant always blame the care giver. I was my teenage sisters guardian for 6 months last year, it got to the point where i couldnt trust her therefore she wasnt allowed to sleep over at friends houses, i got into a sleep pattern where my body would wake me every hour and id have to check she was still in the house because she would just leave when she felt like it...i did everything i could just short of tying her to her bed at night and she still disobeyed me & my partner...its not always so simple.
I guess it depends on their age. If you're talking young teens, then the parents. I think as they get older, the whole idea of parenting is to encourage independence and responsibility. So I guess - say at 16 my child would be (supposed to be) taking responsibility for themselves. And if they didn't, then the consequence would be that the parents would regain that control over them for a time.
This is all in theory of course. I agree that sometimes even with the best parenting kids will have their 'moments' and phases, and in the end each individual (even my 2 and 3 year olds at some casual level) have to deal with consequences and learn about responsibility the hard way.
So how can it be stopped? Well if they're your kids I guess you have to find something that compels/convinces them that staying home or inside is the better option. If they're other kids...unless you have a curfew law there's not much you can do.
Being the parent of a very difficult teen I can say it's dang impossible. Any parent who says they know where their kid is 24/7 is not being real IMO! One of my DD's friends is a JW & her parents are very very vigilant & gorgeous people. By chance I saw her popping into a boys house (I happen to know the boys Dad and this boy is 18!) in a very passionate clinch... I phoned the Mum and told her as I pulled over up the street (cos I would expect anyone to do the same for me). She said: "no way she is at abc's house... 15 mins later she was at the door dragging her now no longer a virgin daughter (at 14 away)... Mortified at what was happening...
It's tough. They sneak out in the night etc etc. All we can do as parents is instill good values, be good role models, be responsible for our actions and emotions & live with virtue... The rest we cannot control...
Ahhhh, there's so many variables. We used to live 50 metres away from a strip of cafes/bars/shops. Very safe walk home. We used to allow DSD to sit in a cafe late at night - so home by 11pm. Fine to take her friend too if she was having a sleepover. Not too much of a problem if she wanted to take the tram up the hill a few stops then get it home. Still only 50 metres along a brightly lit road from the tram stop to walk home. Does that constitute 'roaming the streets' - I dunno. How could we know she was in a cafe rather than a bar? Trust, lack of obvious signs of alcohol consumption.
Would I let a teenager stay out until the same times where we are now in the country? Nope. We are about a half hour walk from town. Very dark and spooky. No public transport. And I doubt whether there are any cafes that are open late anyway. So that means I would only be comfortable with a teenager actually AT someone's house, not wandering around because there ain't nothing good going to come out of wandering around here late at night.
Might seem ironic that I'd feel better about a teenager staying out late at night in a city rather than the country!
And totally agree that you just can't police them all the time. Some of you will have seen my threads about DSD and know that those bright sunny days of trusting her have long since disappeared. If they want to disappear in the middle of the night to head back to a party that their father has driven them home from at midnight, they can, will and do.
uummm, such a tough one.. but I have to say, I lay the responsibility with the parents.
I have raised good kids, but they they will (and do) follow their friends... :doh:
But I also know there friends. One of my daughters friends is a real ... well, b!tch.... and is free to do as she pleases (at 12!!!) stays home alone a LOT, talks back (yes to us too!) and we really dont like her. So my girl is not allowed over there. She can come here, but she cannot go out with her. She has other friends who are being raised simular to how we are raising our kids, so we feel safe allowing our kids to go there.
I think part of being resposible is knowing there friends, and YOU make the choice as to whether they can roam together or not. If I allow my daughter to hang with this particular girl, then I am fully aware of the trouble they could get into, making ME responsible, not the other family.
I have full access to the 2 teens mobiles and FB pages, and all thier friends mobile numbers. They know I will, and do, call them, their freinds or parents if I think something is up. They are free to visit, sleepover and have friends here, as long as they play by the rules... so far, so good.... but I dont expect it to last!!! :rolleyes:
There will be no sneaking out here... the downstairs windows are bolted shut, and we set the alarm at night... :lol: Plus with the little ones, we are up and down all night anyway!! :wall:
I am very lucky that in this house, the kids would rather have friends over here, then go to there houses. They have all downstairs to them sleves, with a bathroom, kithenette, loungeroom, tele, PC, pool table and big 8 seater spa....I love having the kids stay home and having friends come here, then have them out and about... this town is going to hell in a handbasket, and I much prefer the kids here with heaps to do, then out roaming a such a crap and dangerous town...
I think differently about that. We live on a farm 42km from town and as our times gets closer to having teens in the house, I am so grateful that we live where we do and not in town. Our kids wont be able to sneak out at night because they wont be able to just go down the road to a party and even when they do get their licenses they wont be able to just take a car either, but in town they can sneak out at will. But the problem will eventually lie with trusting the parents of our kids friends to do the *right* thing and make sure that they know where the kids are. Luckily our kids have a great bunch of friends with lovely parents at this point in their lives but that may not always be the case kwim? They might start to fall into friendships that aren't healthy or ideal or they may have parents who take a very casual approach to these sorts of things.:
I remember when I was a teen that growing up where I did that there were those of us in town and those that lived on farms and of course we all snuck out! And when the ones out of town stayed in town with friends that there were always things going on that their parents wouldn't have known about or approved of. My mum was the one that was too casual and I'm pretty sure that there would have been some people that thought badly of that but she was a product of her upbringing - Mum was pretty rebellious and often her own mum would find out where mum was and come in a taxi and drag her home (nan never drove a car) and that only caused more problems so I guess she took the approach she did with us because she didn't want to repeat the mistakes her mum made, but now HER approach has also influenced the way I feel about it LOL. I was the 'good' kid, but she did have a lot of problems with my sister and brother (the other two brothers were/are fine) and I am not going to repeat that with my kids so I'm taking the middle road LOL and being hard, but fair. Because ultimately it is our responsibility how our kids behave and when we are trusted with other peoples kids for the night, or they with ours, I would like to think that there would be enough communication between the adults to make sure that the kids don't fall into that cycle of lying about where they are going and what they are doing.
Much the same here. My mum allowed me to do things i wouldn't dream of letting my DD do! And I was ok kind of but she had dramas with my sister. I feel like it's better to set some limits.:
My almost 18 year old DD was caught out on the streets when she was 16. She was sleeping at a friends house, and I (being a responsible mother) called the parents to make sure she was staying there and also called again before I went to bed to make sure everything was ok.
Apparently the girls (there were 3 of them) snuck out after the parents went to sleep.....and knowing my DD it wasn't the first time it happened, just the first time they got caught. I don't blame the other parents, they can't sit at the end of the kids beds all night. I think it's something that is either in the kid or it's not. I honestly don't think my 15 year old DD will do it, but I am also not silly enough to think it is impossible.